


Choosing Insanity

by SomeoneIMayOrMayNotBe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Albinism, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Dave and Rose just cannot stop hitting on each other, Delusions, Dirty Jokes, Family Drama, First Love, Humanstuck, Incest Jokes, Lots of Dave-Rose banter, M/M, No sadstuck!, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Please read the notes!, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Romance, Schizoaffective Disorder, Slow Build, Trigger warnings in idividual chapters, Trust Issues, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-07-15 23:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 56,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7243288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeoneIMayOrMayNotBe/pseuds/SomeoneIMayOrMayNotBe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave thinks Karkat is insane, but what would he know? After all, he's the one who's forced to see a shrink.</p><p>(Don't get intimidated by the number of chapters, they are pretty short!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. D-2 (Friday): The end of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark things are afoot!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TT: Dave (bis).  
TG: i think the world may be about to end  
TT: I see. How kind of you to let me know.  
TG: anytime  
TT: Should I fetch a paper bag to cover my head with?   
TG: sure knock yourself out  
TG: you can puke in it once the shit hits the fan  
TG: its gonna be gruesome  
TG: the fan will be so battered it will need to join a shelter  
TT: Not to cast doubt on the veracity of the news you herald, but out of curiosity: why are you so convinced of our impending doom?  
TG: bro is cleaning the apartment  
TT: ...  
TT: Those certainly qualify as dire circumstances.  
TG: you dont understand  
TG: in the months weve lived together ive never seen him pick up as much as greasy napkin  
TG: and let me tell you there are a lot of different types of paper soaked in all kinds of nasty fluids over here  
TT: This ranks near the top of the list of things I didn't need to know.  
TG: the place was a pig sty from the day i moved in but those pigs keep getting increasingly debauched  
TG: rolling around in growing heaps of dirty clothes mixed in with food wrappers and vaguely pornographic plush toys  
TG: im pretty sure the only reason we dont have cockroaches is that they took one look a this dump and said fuck this, were outta here  
TG: dire doesnt begin to cover it  
TT: No need to convince me, I wasn't being facetious. If my mom ever figured out how to turn on the vacuum cleaner, I'm fairly sure the universe would implode.  
TG: she probably knows how it works  
TG: shes just too slushed to press the button  
TT: It does require some fine motor skills.  
TT: How imminent would you say our demise is?   
TG: last i checked he was mopping the floor  
TG: id say the clock is ticking  
TG: no time for tearful goodbyes  
TG: can you lalondes even produce tears  
TG: i dont think strider eyeballs can secrete that much lubrication  
TT: I'm afraid your question must remain unanswered. It hardly seems appropriate for first cousins to discuss their secretions or respective abilities to lubricate.  
TG: i think bros gone i just heard the front door  
TG: imma go survey the damage  
TT: It's been nice knowing you.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: im back  
TG: its worse than i thought  


tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum!  


TG: rose?  
TG: shit  
TG: has the apocalypse reached NY already?  
TG: how come NY always gets hit first  
TG: why is real life perpetuating movie cliches  
TT: My apologies. I had to finish knitting this scarf.  
TG: the world is ending and youre making fashion accessories  
TG: good to know youve got your priorities straight  
TT: It was nearing completion. I wouldn't want to die with regrets.  
TG: i can see the countertop in the kitchen  
TG: did you know we have a toaster  
TG: cause i sure didnt  
TT: What a fascinating discovery.  
TG: its disturbing to be able to see the floor and furniture after so long  
TG: the place looks so empty  
TG: nary a smuppet in sight  
TT: One would normally consider that an improvement.  
TG: i bet they're all stuffed in the crawlspace and the moment i step under it im gonna get pelted with squishy plush dong  
TT: We all know your day wouldn't be complete without a faceful of smuppet genitals.  
TG: right god forbid i ever go one night without puppet nightmares  
TG: it gets even weirder listen to this  
TG: even the swords are gone  
TG: all of them  
TG: where do you even hide that many shitty swords  
TG: is there a closet about to burst and skewer me  
TT: Perhaps he has decided to act as a proper guardian and get rid of his collection of hazardous weapons?  
TG: ha!  
TG: right  
TG: new theory: my brother has been replaced with an alien  
TT: This day keeps getting more and more fascinating.  
TG: hes back im gonna go see if were dealing with an impostor or if the world is truly ending  
TT: Do keep me updated on the situation. I'd like to know if I should fret over my upcoming death or the beginning of the new school year on Monday.  
TG: suddenly im not sure which is worse  
TT: Indeed.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: this cant be my real bro  
TG: wanna know where hes been?  
TG: fucking grocery shopping  
TT: Really. I never knew this was among the telltale signs of alien parasitism.  
TT: Where do you usually get your provisions if not at the grocery store, I wonder?  
TG: i mean there is actual food in the fridge  
TG: the kind thats not even precooked  
TG: and not a single shitty sword  
TG: not even fragments of old broken ones  
TT: Are you telling me that your brother typically uses the fridge as a storage area for blades of dubious quality?   
TG: of course  
TG: where else is a badass motherfucker supposed to keep his cheap ass ninja weapons  
TT: What have you been subsisting on until now?  
TG: doritos and apple juice mostly  
TG: whatever types of food can be eaten without dishes or utensils and kept over the counter  
TG: or stashed in a closet  
TG: seeing as the counter is usually covered in random crap  
TG: now i cant stop staring at it, like  
TG: was it always this color?  
TT: I don't know why I continue to be surprised by you Strider siblings and your wacky antics.  
TG: wait i thought you said the creepy observatory you live in is "fraught with danger"   
TG: are you telling me that you dont trigger an avalanche of pointy objects every time you open the fridge door  
TG: rose what is your mother teaching you  
TG: how will you ever develop sick dodging skills  
TT: Your idea of normalcy frightens me.  
TT: Our new place is not quite as terrifying as yours. Unless you happen to have a phobia of ostentatious wizard statues.  
TT: The only thing that makes it perilous to navigate is the high motherly encounter rate outside of my bedroom. Encounters which frequently devolve into alteractions.  
TG: your mom isnt scary shes just a hilarious permadrunk milf with a phd  
TT: A what.  
TG: not milf  
TG: i mean  
TT: Did you just admit to harboring incestuous feelings towards my mother.  
TG: shes a moplf  
TG: the op stands for other people  
TG: who arent genetically related to her  
TT: I'm calling your brother right now and telling him that you need to see a psychologist.  
TG: shes young is all i meant  
TG: and an attractive woman by any objective standards  
TT: By all means, keep digging. Your grave isn't deep enough yet. Keep going until you hit lava.  



	2. D-1 (Saturday): Brain Molesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave does not enjoy being a baby bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have probably specified this in the beginning, but this story will be entirely told through pesterlogs and journal entries.
> 
> Dave's brother here is more similar to Alpha Dirk than Beta Bro, since he was neither brought up by an evil puppet, nor raised in some fishtroll dystopia. He's got his own set of circumstances. Dave and Rose are 15 here, and Dirk is eight years older, which makes him 23.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: what did you say to him  
TT: I'm afraid you'll need to be a little more specific. I speak to so many boys these days. Let's see, there's you, and... Oh, I guess it's just you.  
TG: dont play coy with me lalonde  
TG: you know what im talking about  
TT: Refresh my memory.  
TG: he thinks im like  
TG: this broken baby bird he needs to take care of now  
TT: I'm assuming this is about your brother.  
TG: no shit  
TT: Whom I haven't spoken to since June, when he helped my mom and I move into the "creepy observatory", as you so charmingly put it.  
TG: you said youd call him yesterday  
TT: That was obviously a joke. I'd sooner stab myself in the eyes.  
TG: wait i thought you guys were tight  
TT: I suspect the only reason Dirk and I get along is that we interact with each other as little as possible.  
TG: so you didnt tell him about the uh  
TG: stuff i said about your mom  
TT: Cross my heart.  
TT: I'm also desperately trying to burn that image out of my head, so if you would be so kind as to never mention it again...  
TG: but  
TG: then why  
TG: nevermind  
TT: Dave. Just tell me what the problem is.  
TG: hes making me go see a fucking psychologist  
TT: Oh snap.  


\-------------------------------------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT1] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]  


TT1: You've just made my day.  
TT2: You're welcome?  


tentacleTherapist [TT1] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]  


\-------------------------------------------------

TG: yeah yeah  
TG: go ahead and laugh at my misfortune  
TT: Trust me, I am.  
TT: I wouldn't exactly call you unfortunate, however. I think you may find the experience to be beneficial. There are few among us who wouldn't benefit from a little assisted introspection.  
TG: thats easy for you to say  
TG: youre not the one whos about to get mind-raped  
TT: You know, clinical psychologists adhere to stricter ethical guidelines these days.  
TT: I don't believe the APA condones the molesting of teenagers' brains. At least not without express consent.  
TG: so very reassuring  
TG: ill make sure not to sign anything  
TT: At the very least, do read the small print carefully.  
TG: thanks for that  
TG: i wasnt paranoid enough  
TT: My work here is done.  
TT: Seriously though, it will be fine. When is your appointment?  
TG: tomorrow  
TG: what kind of shrink works on a sunday  
TT: One whose clientele has more pressing obligations during the week, I imagine.  
TG: bro just sprang this on me like "hey lil dude i got you an appointment with the mind dr its tomorrow at 1 hope thats cool"  
TG: "dont be late or ill chop off your legs"  
TG: tell me that isnt a dick move  
TT: It does seem like a Dirk move.  
TG: holy shit did you make a pun  
TT: I couldn't resist. Sometimes the puns make themselves.  
TG: those words should be synonyms tbh  
TG: i dont get why hes making me go  
TG: i havent been acting any weirder than usual  
TT: You do realize that this was an admission of weirdness in itself.  
TG: im gonna need you to put the lid back on your inner freud  
TG: screw that shit on tight  
TG: so tight youll need to bang it with spoons to open it  
TG: not even a rubber band will do the trick  
TG: thats how tight it needs to be  
TG: and then forget it in the back of your closet forever  
TT: You mean the refrigerator.  
TG: whatever  
TT: Fine. I'll ignore this latest string of sexual innuendos, for your sake.  
TT: What is it that you're worried about, exactly?  
TG: this  
TG: this is what im worried about  
TG: snarky broads trying to pry "feelings" out of me  
TT: Goodness, you're prickly today.  
TT: Is it the lack of puppets that's got you so on edge?  
TT: I'm fairly sure your brother will lend you one of his personal marionnettes if you ask nicely.  
TG: ew fuck no i dont know where theyve been  


\------------------------------------------------------------

timeaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Yo, little bro. Did you hear me say dinner's done?  
TT: Come eat some of these weird ass vegetables.  
TG: not hungry  
TG: how come were eating real food all of a sudden  
TT: Cause you're a scrawny little fucker. C'mon. They're cooked properly and everything.  
TG: you dont need to be cooking my meals i can take care of myself  
TG: been doing it long enough  
TT: Quit sulking in your room like a little bitch and eat the food i made.  


timeaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


timeaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: There's dessert too.  
TG: why didnt you fucking say so  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: rose ill ttyl  
TG: if im not back in 40 minutes call 911  
TG: tell em ive been poisoned  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  



	3. D-Day (Sunday)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First trip to the psychologist's and a conversation cut short.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: How did it go? Tell me everything.  
TG: whats with you ladies jumping all over me to make me spill the beans  
TG: i dont know what makes you think you can wrestle them out of my grasp  
TG: it would take a crowbar to pry these hands open  
TT: You've already dropped one of the coveted legumes. So I take it your therapist is female.  
TG: yeah i was hoping for some old guy with a beard and a pipe but instead they gave me a fresh outta school hottie in her 20s  
TG: what you gonna do  
TT: That does mar the cliché just a tad.  
TG: her office doesnt even have a couch its just two chairs a desk and a computer  
TT: Who knew psychologists also lived in the 21st century?  
TG: i asked her about it she said the couches pretty much disappeared along with psychoanalysis in the 60s  
TG: they dont even ask about your dreams anymore or make you see monsters in ink blots  
TG: i was like what is this  
TG: and how long has rose been fucking with me  
TT: I would never.  
TT: That your dreams are laden with phallic symbolism is an indisputable fact.  
TT: I will remind you however that, try as I might, I have never been able to convince my mother to take me to any sort of counselling.  
TT: Not even when I convincingly faked anorexia.  
TG: yeah that was fucked up lets not go back there  
TT: Granted.  
TG: anyway not much happened we mostly talked about me not wanting to talk  
TT: You must have appreciated the irony in that.  
TG: she wanted me to tell her about my parents and why im living with dirk now  
TG: i was like i dont know you lady  
TG: that shits personal  
TG: she expects me to give it all up on the first date  
TG: what am i, a tramp?  
TT: It could be good to get some things off your chest though. I'm basically the only person you speak to and even I don't know the whole story.  
TG: i dont have anything to say about my mom and i dont even want to think about my dad  
TG: plus i wouldnt want to say anything that could get bro in trouble  
TG: but she said its cool we can start by getting to know each other  
TG: so we mostly talked about hobbies and stuff  
TG: she told me to express myself  
TG: i'm like yo lady I draw an ironically shitty webcomic on a semi-regular basis what do you make of that  
TG: she goes "thats a good start"  
TG: lmao  
TT: Clearly she hasn't seen this abomination you insist on calling art.  
TG: i should make some sbahj business cards  
TG: so she can look it up and go "this has to be the product of a deranged mind"  
TG: think theyd try to lock me up?  
TT: You never know, she might turn out to be a fan.  
TT: It takes true creative genius to come up with something as unabashedly awful as your latest installment.  
TG: im flattered  
TG: someones here brb

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

turntechGodhead  is now an idle chum!

turntechGodhead  is now offline!


	4. Day 1 (Monday, Morning): The Grossest Lemon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the beginning of the school year, but Dave has bigger things to worry about.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Are you awake?  
TG: mmnh  
TG: five more minutes mom  
TT: My real son wouldn't be this lazy.  
TG: mother how can you say this to me  
TG: youre breaking my heart i cant handle this kind of rejection  
TT: You're even more ridiculous in the mornings, I see.  
TT: I just wanted to wish you good luck at my old school. I was going to say it last night, but you never signed back on.  
TG: i know sorry i was too pissed off  
TT: Oh? What did your dear brother do this time?  
TG: bro was a fucking saint  
TG: thats not the problem  
TG: guess who came over for a surprise visit  
TT: How badly will I cringe when you tell me?  
TG: like a baby eating an especially gross moldy lemon  
TT: Anyone in our family?  
TG: worse  
TT: Uncle Scratch?  
TG: ok first it really creeps me out that you call him that  
TG: and hes not even our real uncle  
TT: He behaves like one, and his beard is really scratchy.  
TG: gross  
TG: dont let him that close even if he offers you candy  
TG: but no its not him  
TG: were talking creepy on a whole other level  
TT: Then I'm afraid it exceeds the limits of my imagination.  
TG: it was child services  
TG: fucking child services  
TG: snooping through our shit  
TG: trying to see if dirks too fucked up to take care of a teenager  
TG: or if im too "damaged" for him to handle  
TT: Oh.  
TT: That.  
TT: Is a really bad lemon.  
TG: the shittiest  
TT: Did someone file a complaint, or...?  
TG: dunno they just showed up here and started poking around  
TT: And what they uncovered didn't send them running in absolute terror?  
TG: im sure it wouldve if bro hadnt decided to go all martha stewart on the place for the last couple days  
TG: someone mustve tipped him off that they were coming  
TG: i shouldve known  
TG: dirk wouldnt clean this place unless he had a gun to his head  
TT: Metaphorically, hopefully.  
TG: who the fuck even knows  
TT: So... How did it go?  
TG: i have no fucking clue  
TG: it was akward as hell they were all up in my space asking me questions i didnt know how to answer  
TG: touching my turntables and shit  
TT: Not the turntables!  
TG: hey you dont just suddenly move in on a mans turntables  
TG: thats like squeezing his balls  
TG: you need an express invitation  
TG: it has to be on fancy cardboard and embossed with gold foil  
TT: Now that you've put this imagery in my head, rest assured I won't ever go near your sound equipment.  
TG: glad thats settled  
TT: I'm sorry, I need to get going now. Wouldn't want to be late on my first day of school.  
TT: You should get ready as well.  
TG: baby i was born ready  
TT: Ugh.  
TG: ugggghhh i know  
TT: I need brain bleach.  
TG: i need to learn to stfu  
TT: That is the most insightful thing you've ever said.  
TT: This new therapy of yours is working wonders already.  
TG: f u  
TT: Alright I'm going. Have fun at my old school.  
TT: Don't piss off Mr. McHara.


	5. Day 1 (Monday, Evening): Journal

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: There you are! I was just about to get ready for bed.  
TT: How did school go?  
TG: heh it was alright  
TG: first days are always boring its just going over the curriculum  
TG: didnt pay much attention tbh i was too worried about what id be coming home to  
TG: or if id even have a home to come back to  
TT: Any news on that front?  
TG: not really i guess these things take a while  
TG: and bros not even home right now  
TG: not that hed tell me anything even if he were  
TT: Do you want to talk about it?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: im mostly pissed that he didnt tell me anything  
TG: and angry at myself for not figuring it out i guess  
TG: i should have fucking seen it coming  
TG: i mean i knew there had to be some disaster brewing but i didnt expect child fucking services  
TT: Those are some seriously illegal-sounding services.  
TG: ha fucking ha  
TG: im rolling on the floor  
TG: im wheezing from laughing so hard rose what if i get asthma  
TT: Sorry. I don't mean to make light of the situation, I'm just not sure what to say. It may surprise you to hear but comforting others isn't my forte.  
TG: s alright  
TG: i know you dont mean to be an insensitive fuckwad its just part of our dna  
TT: To be honest I'm fairly sure that if CPS ever came to my house and found my mother passed out among all the bottles and empty martini glasses, they wouldn't hesitate to remove me from her care.  
TT: As a matter of fact, when I last saw her she had fallen asleep face first on the couch and she appeared to have lost one shoe.  
TG: how long ago was that  
TT: Couple of hours. She may have woken since. As previously stated, I try not to leave my room if it can be avoided.  
TG: i hear ya. i mean bros cool and all but hes one cryptic motherfucker and we havent been living together all that long so our conversations are kinda tense and awkward  
TT: Those are the kind of things you may want to bring up with your psychologist.  
TG: thanks for fucking reminding me  
TT: Oh, it seems my mom is still asleep after all. I can hear her snoring from here.  
TG: aunt roxy snores?  
TT: Like the spawn of Fluthlu.  
TG: thats hilarious  
TT: Not when you're trying to sleep in the room just above.  
TG: speaking of which  
TG: im gonna turn in im fucking exhausted  
TT: You would abandon me to this cruel fate?  
TG: yup  
TG: g'night  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

turntechGodhead  is now offline!

TT: Goodnight. You traitor.  
TT: May the smuppets haunt your dreams.  


turntechGodhead  is now online!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: fuck i just remembered something i have to do  
TG: the shrink gave me homework  
TT: Since when have you cared about doing your homework?  
TG: since one bad note in my file might lend me in a foster home  
TG: duh  
TT: ...Good point. Not that I should be encouraging your assignment-shirking habits in any case.  
TT: So why are you pestering me instead of getting it done?  
TG: im supposed to write a journal  
TG: youre the writer of the family  
TG: tell me how these work like what am i even supposed to talk about  
TT: It doesn't have to be anything important. Just talk about your day.  
TG: alright i think i can manage that  


turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file journal1.txt

\------------------------------------------------------------

Day 1 (Monday)

I guess this is my first journal entry. I've never had a journal before, so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write about. I mean I've read my cousin's journal before, or at least I've tried to. It was a lot of pretentious bullshit and I stopped paying attention around the second paragraph to be honest. Also she came in at some point and started throwing balls of yarn at my face, and some of them still had knitting needles stuck in, so.

I guess I'm supposed to talk about my day. What was the great Dave Strider up to on Monday, while the rest of the nation sat on their couches and wept because the good tv shows don't start till mid-September? The fans simply must know. My apartment is teeming with paparazzi as we speak. I can't take a leak without a photo of my dick ending up on the cover of some celebrity gossip mag. Teens all over the country are taping it to their bedroom walls.

Am I allowed to use words like dick? Or is that gonna reflect badly on my bro. Are we being graded on this, cause I have to tell you I've never had a written assignment before that could result in me getting shipped to a foster home. That shit kinda dampens creativity.

For that matter, am I allowed to use the word shit. Or to insinuate that the shit's moisture content is anything but desirable. No shortage of fiber in the Strider household. Our fridge is filled to the brim with nutritious ingredients which we totally know how to cook.

DS

\------------------------------------------------------------

TT: What a lovely introduction.  
TT: Are you aware that this doesn't give the reader any sort of information about your day whatsoever?  
TG: what no i totally talked about it  
TG: second paragraph  
TT: Read it over.  
TG: ...  
TG: fml  
TG: should i start over or  
TT: It's fine like this. It addresses some of your insecurities.  
TG: what  
TG: where??  
TT: The foster home part.  
TG: ah shit  
TT: Leave it that way.  
TG: im starting over  
TT: Leave it. You can't go through therapy without exposing some vulnerabilities.  
TG: forgive me if i dont like to expose my bruised bits for all the scavengers to pick at  
TT: David Jay Strider.  
TG: yes mom  
TT: Don't make me spank you.  
TG: ...ugh  
TT: Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhh.  



	6. Day 2 (Tuesday): Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Karkat appears!

Day 2 (Tuesday)

Is there a rule that says journals have to be written at the end of the day? Cause I'm sitting in class right now waiting for the bell to ring and I'm bored out of my mind.

It's only my second day at this school and someone already hates me.

It actually started yesterday during third period. Three of us were wearing shades, and our biology teacher asked us to take them off. I have a doctor's note for mine cause my eyes are sensitive to light, so she let me keep them. It wouldn't really have been a problem to take them off because the classroom didn't have any windows and indoor light isn't that bright, but I wear these babies so much I'd feel kind of naked without them. Also I don't like people seeing my eyes. They always make a huge fuss about it and it's a pain having to explain albinism to everyone I meet. Plus my shades are cool so I don't see why they would ever have to leave my face.

Anyway, this short middle-eastern-looking guy got all pissed off that he had to take his off while I got to keep mine. He started this whole tirade about the "firey orb of doom" and how it would get us all blind. It was pretty funny. The teacher ended up confiscating his cheap plastic sunglasses because he wouldn't shut up. He kept shooting me dirty looks after that.

The other guy took his shades off when the teacher told him to, but he went about it all nervous and stiff and ended up crushing them in his hands. The whole class was laughing at this point, myself included, though I did feel kinda sorry for the guy cause he got all embarrassed and started to sweat like crazy. He's actually a pretty tough-looking guy though so he's probably not gonna get picked on. Plus I'm sure he's not the only guy in class who felt nervous. I mean, Ms. Harley is pretty hot.

DS

\------------------------------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Sup lil' bro.  
TG: hey  
TT: You still in class?  
TG: nope bell just rang  
TG: they are setting us free  
TG: no parole  
TT: I picked up a late shift so I'm not gonna be home for dinner tonight.  
TG: dj gig or bouncer gig?  
TT: Bouncer. It's my last night so some of the girls are probably gonna want to go out afterwards.  
TG: holy shit you got fired?  
TG: whatd you do  
TT: I quit, dumbass. I don't think your case worker wants me to keep working at a strip joint.  
TG: shit  
TG: im sorry  
TT: Don't worry about it. I've got something else lined up.  
TT: You gonna be ok for dinner?  
TG: sure i spotted a lone box of kraft dinner in the pantry yesterday  
TG: im gonna get all up on that  
TT: You dont have to eat that crap, I think we still have actual cheese.  
TG: sweet ill mix it with the powder stuff  
TG: its gonna be decadent  
TG: cheese sauce all over the place  
TG: some of it made from real cow juice  
TT: At least put some broccoli in it.  
TG: what no that would be sacrilegeous  
TG: you cant healthify kd  
TG: then its just... regular mac n cheese  
TT: Dude I paid for the broccoli. You can't just leave it to spoil in the fridge.  
TG: psh  
TG: i used to think you were cool  
TT: And I thought kids liked regular mac n cheese.  
TG: point  
TT: Alright I'm gonna peace out. Don't set the kitchen on fire.  
TG: wait  
TT: What?  
TG: just  
TG: random question  
TG: why would someone want to change their name?  
TT: Lots of reasons? A sex change, for instance. Why do you ask?  
TG: but if someone had a relatively normal name  
TG: why would they want to change it to something weird?  
TG: i mean normal as far as foreign-sounding names go i guess  
TG: you know what nevermind  
TT: If you want a helpful answer out of me I'm gonna need a little more to go on.  
TG: gah  
TG: ok  
TG: theres this kid in my class  
TG: his name is kareem but he keeps insisting that we call him karkat  
TG: like  
TG: not as a nickname  
TG: he throws a fit whenever the teachers use his real name  
TG: is he just doing this to get attention or what  
TG: what kinda name is karkat  
TG: sounds like what youd name a fruit bat or something  
TT: Maybe he just doesn't like the name Kareem?  
TT: Or maybe he doesn't want an arabic name because he knows you're all racist assholes.  
TG: wtf  
TG: since when am i racist  
TT: Whatever you say. Enjoy your white privilege.  
TG: you  
TG: wait  
TG: was that an albino joke  
TT: Yes.  
TG: you suck  
TT: Are you saying you don't? I'm dissapointed, bro.  
TT: A little mutual oral satisfaction is par for the course nowadays.  
TG: omfg  
TT: I thought I raised you to be a gentleman.  
TG: dude  
TT: Let me know if you need some pointers on how to deep-throat.  
TG: stop  
TG: my eyes are bleeding  
TT: Sorry. I forgot you teenaged virgins are so easily scandalized.  
TG: just get lost already  
TG: dont you have nude college undergrads to go supervise  
TT: Right.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: as if id let you give me "lessons"  
TG: perv  


timaeusTestified  is now offline!

\------------------------------------------------------------

Day 2 (continued)

I just realized I got sidetracked again with my last entry and didn't end up saying much about the guy who hates me. In my defense, I had to cut it short because school ended then I had to walk home and then my brother started pestering me. I don't really have ADD. I don't think.

So yeah: angry kid. His name is Kareem, but for some reason he totally flips his shit whenever people call him that. He makes everyone call him Karkat which sounds like something an alien would name its pet dog. The only reason I know how to spell it is that he wrote it on the board in huge block letters.

The other thing about "Karkat" is that he's in most of my classes. I only had him in bio yesterday but today I had to be with him in English, gym and drama class, which I got as an elective even though it was like my third or fourth choice. It just figures he would take the same one. Actually he'll probably be good at it. Because, you know. Drama.

One thing I didn't mention is in this school they make us sit by alphabetical order. That means he and I are never very far from each other, since his last name is like... Ventas? Vendas? Vandice? Anyway it starts with a V. Which means when he spends all his time glaring at me, it's really not subtle. And then I really can't help but joke about how he can't keep his eyes off me, cause I'm a smug asshole. But at least I know when I'm being a douche. His whole "acknowledge me as a special snowflake or I'll throw a tantrum" thing really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it just reminds me of the kind of stupid shit I used to pull to draw attention to myself. I used to care way too much about being cool.

"But Dave, you're still cool!" protest the fans. Well yeah, but that's not my fault. It just stuck that way. Like a grimace on Jim Carrey. Is this guy even still around?

Oh hey, look at that, I was all introspective there for a moment, two paragraphs ago! Does that mean I'm cured yet, doc? 

DS


	7. Day 3 (Wednesday): Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RIP, Nanna. May your cookies always live on in our hearts.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose  
TG: rosie  
TG: roselyn  
TG: rosemary  
TG: rosetta  
TG: take your pick  
TT: I'll go with Rosemary.  
TG: good choice  
TG: a fine vintage  
TT: Now what has you so desperate for my attention? Is the world ending again?  
TG: nah im just bored  
TG: whats new in observatoryland  
TT: My dear mother has switched from gin to vodka. Otherwise it's business as usual.  
TG: is she at the fun tipsy stage or like  
TG: the one where you have to hold her hair back  
TT: At the moment I would describe it as "T. rex on a rampage". She has taken the feather duster out and is brandishing it like some sort of weapon.  
TG: hahaha i love that woman  
TT: Would you like us to switch guardians? I'll quite happily subject myself to chips and videogames in your stead.  
TG: are you sure you want to live with bro  
TG: the strifing can be pretty intense  
TG: dude thinks hes a ninja  
TG: and its his sensei duty to train all the little runts in the village  
TG: the village being this apartment  
TT: From what I hear he's been mellowing out lately.  
TG: hes been into naruto since like  
TG: probably before he was even conceived how long has that fucking show been on  
TT: Did he finally get you to eat broccoli?  
TG: how did you hear about that  
TT: I have my sources.  
TG: ive got nothing against food shaped like mini-trees i just find his sudden insistence suspicious  
TT: It concerns me that you can't even trust your guardian to feed you unaltered vegetables.  
TG: hey a little dose of suspicion can be healthy  
TG: possibly healthier than the vegetables in question  
TG: bro left me to fend for myself for most of my life its a little hard to believe he would suddenly turn into mary poppins  
TT: He was a child, though.  
TG: the same thing could be said about your mom when she had you  
TT: She was legally an adult.  
TG: who wasnt old enough to drink  
TT: Well she sure makes up for it now.  
TG: yeah  
TG: lets just  
TG: do whatever shit needs to be done so that we dont turn out like any of our family members  
TT: I'm contemplating integrating the hardcore straight-edge subculture.  
TG: awesome ill be a vegan hipster  
TG: we need to make some kind of blood pact  
TG: no wait  
TT: Aw, I was just getting my razor ready.  
TG: lets move together for college so we can keep each other in line  
TT: In other words, you would like me to take on the responsibility of keeping you out of trouble.  
TT: I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle such a tall order.  
TG: the order is definitely on the tall side  
TG: but  
TG: i know you lalondes cant resist a challenge any more than the rest of the world can resist the strider charisma  
TT: At least I am immune to the latter. I presume your new classmates have all fallen for your charms?  
TG: ...you could say that  
TT: I sense a story.  
TG: nah  
TG: just a boy whos kind of obsessed with me   
TG: no big deal just another swooning fan  
TT: Has he crammed your locker full of love notes?  
TG: not yet  
TG: though he has made some lewd gestures to my attention  
TT: Was he showing his middle finger?  
TG: ...maybe  
TT: Dave! How did you make an enemy in your very first week of school?  
TG: i guess i just have a natural talent  
TT: You need to turn on your webcam so you can hear me sigh and see me shake my head at you.  
TG: alright but turn down the brightness on your monitor first  
TG: wouldnt want to burn your retinas by being too dazzling  
TT: Your concern for my well-being is so very touching.  
TT: Ah. Forget the webcam. Mom switched on the parental settings again.  
TG: cuz  
TG: you need to start putting passwords on your shit  
TT: I do! She keeps brute forcing them.  
TG: thatll teach you to spawn from a 1337 haxx0r chick  
TT: I have paid dearly for that lapse in judgement.  
TT: Anyway. Tell me about this mysterious admirer of yours. Does the boy have a name?  
TG: yeah but were not allowed to use it  
TT: Who's "we"?  
TG: the entire human population  
TG: if you say his real name out loud a demon accidentally gets summoned or something i dunno  
TG: he insists that we call him karkat  
TT: Interesting choice.  
TG: at first i thought he was just desperate for attention but now i'm starting to suspect that hes an actual weirdo  
TG: like ok theres a kid in class whose grandmother just died  
TG: so this girl felicity who thinks shes class president or something goes "everyone!!! lets all sign a card for john!!!!111!"  
TT: John? What's his last name?  
TG: egbert  
TT: Ah. That's unfortunate.  
TG: ikr way to make your kid sound like the planets biggest dork  
TG: shouldve gone with the wifes surname  
TG: unless it was some southern monstrosity like hicks or cox or sweat  
TT: There's that, but I meant it in the sense that I know him. I'm sad to hear that his nanna passed away.  
TG: i legit knew someone in tx named slaughter  
TG: slaughter-egbert, thatd be hilarious  
TT: They were very close. I suspect she was his only mother figure.  
TG: why what happened to his mom  
TT: Died in childbirth, I believe.  
TG: what  
TG: i thought this only happened in historical dramas  
TT: Pregnancy and childbirth-related complications are still very much a thing, killing some 800 women a day across the globe, according to Wikipedia.  
TT: Who knew babies were so murderous?  
TG: thats it  
TG: no mini-striders for me  
TT: Aw, but think about how adorable they would be with their tiny little katanas.  
TG: ...damn  
TG: you got me  
TG: i totally have to see that  
TG: fine ill adopt how bout that  
TT: You might need to, if you continue to be a magnet for boys' attentions.  
TG: ill have you know that i used to have to fight texas girls off with a stick  
TG: the female population of washington just hasnt had a chance to discover me yet  
TT: Or they haven't yet recovered from the initial shock of meeting you.  
TG: exactly  
TG: give them time to realize why theyre suddently walking around making wet sneaker noises  
TG: im told it can be disorienting at first  
TT: There's my cue to disengage from this line of conversation.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TT: Hello John.  
TT: I guess you're busy. I just wanted to tell you I was deeply saddened to hear of your grandmother's passing.  
TT: I know she meant a lot to you. I hope you are doing well, despite the circumstances. I'll try to catch you online later.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TT: I notice we have strayed from the subject of Karkat again. You mentioned something about a card for John?  
TG: oh right wait till you see this  
TG: karkats note was so weird i copied it down  
TG: hang on lemme find it  
TG: ok it goes DEAR JOHN HUMAN. SORRY TO HEAR YOUR ANCESTOR GOT FLATTENED BY A JOKE BOOK. 38 SWEEPS IS PRETTY YOUNG FOR A BLUE BLOOD. -KARKAT  
TT: ...  
TT: Wow.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

GT: hi rose! i haven't see you online in a while.  
TT: I've been around, but I guess we keep missing each other. Different time zones, you know.  
GT: what time is it over there?  
TT: A little past midnight.  
GT: your mom lets you stay on the computer past midnight? on a wednesday?   
TT: Heh. Let's not talk about that. How are you holding up?  
GT: ok, i think? it kind of hasn't sunk in yet. i keep expecting her to come over with a fresh batch of cookies.  
TT: I remember you brought some of her cookies to school once.  
GT: her cookies were the best!  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: so whats your professional opinion  
TG: is my newest admirer a total psychopath  
TG: is it safe to keep antagonizing him or should i start filing for a restraining order  
TT: There's so much to pick apart here, I don't know where to start.  
TT: Wait. John's grandma got killed by a book???  
TG: man i have no idea  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TT: Do you mind telling me how it happened? I heard it had something to do with a book.  
GT: a big heavy one... it's kind of a family heirloom. she was trying to reach it, she fell off a stepladder and broke her hip.  
GT: then she died from complications before she could get surgery.  
GT: i'm not too clear on the details... i didn't really want to hear that stuff when it was too late already you know?  
GT: it happened really fast, i didn't even have time to visit her at the hospital.  
TT: I'm so sorry, John.  
GT: how did you even hear about this? i didn't think the news had travelled all the way to new york!  
TT: My cousin told me. He's in your class.  
TT: He is the pale-skinned brat in aviator shades who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut.  
GT: dave???  
GT: haha, i can kind of see the resemblance now that you mention it!  
TT: I take offense to that. I am not nearly that obnoxious.  
GT: hehehe.  
GT: it sucks that your cousin would move into town just as you move out, though.  
GT: doesn't the timing seem strange?  
TT: Not really? Dave's brother has been living in the area for the past couple of years. My mom found a better paying job which forced us to relocate across the country, but she kept the house we had in Maple Valley so Dirk could use it. Being a hard-headed mule, he chose to remain in his unsanitary sardine can, but he's renting out the house so he at least gets some steady income out of it, which helps him cover Dave's expenses. I believe he entertains the idea of paying us back at some point, but mom won't hear of it.  
GT: i didn't know dave had a brother. how old is he?  
TT: About 23? He goes to UW. He's also Dave's legal guardian, though I would recommend not prying too much into those circumstances. Dave moved in with him at the end of the last school year, so this is still a fairly new and precarious arrangement.  
GT: jeez, i had no idea your family was so complicated!  
TT: The scary thing is that Dave and Dirk are among the most well-adjusted members of the Strider-Lalonde clan.  
GT: :o  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: what are you doing  
TG: are you ignoring me  
TG: youre talking to egbert arent you  
TG: trying to sink your crusty talons into some juicy details  
TT: Are you calling me a gossip or a vulture?  
TG: both  
TG: whats a gossipy bird that feeds off old grody carcasses  
TG: like a crow  
TG: no wait crows are cool  
TG: im the crow you can be a racoon  
TT: I was merely expressing my condolences.  
TT: Please stop mentioning carcasses.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TT: John, do me a favor and pester turntechGodhead, would you?  
GT: uh...  
TT: Dave needs to make friends. And I need to not have my attention sollicited every second of the day. Especially since I now live three hours in the future.  
TT: Besides, I'm sure the two of you will get along splendidly. To be fair, you could probably get along with anybody.  
GT: aw, thanks.  
TT: You two can bond over the cryptic message Karkat left in your card.  
GT: haha, he told you about that?  
GT: ok, i'll give it a shot.  
GT: here goes.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GT: hi dave! this is john.  
TG: sup egdork  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: rose why is your friend pestering me  
TG: are you trying to set me up with him  
TG: cause i already have enough boy troubles at the moment  
TG: what if karkat gets jealous  
TT: Be nice to him, he just lost his poor grandmother.  
TG: right  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: sorry about your grandma bro  
GT: yeah you already said that in the card... thanks.  
GT: did you see what karkat wrote??  
TG: yeah man what was up with that  
GT: that's just karkat! you should know. you two are friends, right?  
TG: what are you crazy the guy clearly hates my guts  
GT: haha, karkat doesn't hate you!  
GT: or i guess he does, but, kind of in a funny way?  
GT: he's always either talking to you or about you.  
TG: more like always grumbling in my general direction  
GT: i dunno, i think he kinda likes you!  
TG: he called me a bulgemunching waste of exoskeleton today  
GT: heheheh.  
TG: at least his insults are creative ill give him that  
GT: i love when he calls me john human!  
TG: lmao  
TG: wtf is a sweep  
TG: why 38  
GT: haha, i have no idea!  
TG: and whats with the blue blood thing  
GT: oh, uh...  
GT: that one kind of made sense.  
GT: cause my nanna owned the betty crocker brand, so... she had a lot of money.  
GT: and her grandma was a baroness or something.  
GT: and my house is pretty big and my dad is a pretty successful businessman.  
GT: please don't tell the whole school?  
TG: what can you buy me in exchange  
GT: uh...  
TG: just kidding  
TG: your secret is safe with me your majesty  
GT: ass : P  



	8. Day 5 (Friday): Cleaning Supplies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat share some intimate space.

tentacleTherapist is now online!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose hey  
TG: i just finished writing a journal entry you have to read it  
TG: this has been the weirdest day i might have to make it a yearly holiday in commemoration  
TG: nationalize it and dedicate it to the clinically insane  


turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file day5.txt

\------------------------------------------------------------

Day 5 (Friday)  
  
I forgot to do the journal thing yesterday, sorry. Today's entry will be extra entertaining though, so that should compensate a bit.  
  
Karkat is by far the weirdest guy I've ever met (and my brother likes ponies and puppets, so that's saying something), but I'm starting to realize that the rest of my class is also full of weirdoes...? Seriously was there a radioactive spill around these parts, or is this a "special school" and no one thought to inform me?  
  
This morning I had bio class again. There wasn't any drama about eyewear because today is rainy so Zack (the sweaty guy, some people call him Equius I haven't figured out why) and Karkat (the mascot of this poorly disguised asylum) left their shades at home like normal people.  
  
Ok I guess this was an admission of my own abnormality but wait till you hear this. My albinism and family circumstances are mundane compared to what's going on with these people, I swear.  
  
Ms. Harley (hot bio prof) was trying to explain the scientific method (even though we've all known about it for years and it's getting really stale at this point). She said a hypothesis is based on observations, so as an example she pointed to this girl Tereza (who gets to sit in the first row because she wears glasses even though her last name starts with P) and said that if we looked at her arm, we might see that her veins are looking kind of bluish, and come up with the hypothesis that Tereza's blood is the color blue, but then by conducting an experiment, we could easily see that the hypothesis is wrong.  
  
Sounds harmless enough, right? But then of course Karkat started freaking out, practically screaming that Tereza has teal blood and teal is nothing like blue (isn't teal basically a kind of blue? Not that that's the biggest problem here). Tereza started laughing like a mad chicken, and she said she doesn't like teal because it tastes like metal(??) and she prefers red blood which tastes like candy(???) and then Karkat just got up and ran out of the room. And Ms. Harley just shrugged it off like, oh well, that was a very Karkat thing to do! It was surreal.  
  
Then Tereza started explaining to the class that she has synesthesia which means she can taste and smell colors. Also she associates some letters and numbers with colored shapes which makes her really good at calculations apparently? It sounds like more attention-grabbing bullshit to me but apparently synesthesia is an actual thing documented in real scientific papers and everything. And then Ms. Harley made us watch some youtube videos about it and I was like ok this is great and all, but is anyone gonna try to figure out where Karkat went?! I mean I wouldn't put it past him to go up to the roof and decide he can fly, the guy obviously has a few screws loose. Shouldn't someone have gone to check up on him? If I'm the most concerned person for someone's safety in this school, that should be enough to tell you that there's something seriously wrong with it.  
  
Since no one was doing anything I ended up raising my hand and asking for permission to go to the washroom (turns out you don't need a permission slip here, that's one point in favor of the school at least) so I walked around for a while and I eventually found the guy hiding in a janitor's closet and freaking out because "the drones are coming". I'm thinking of giving him your business card, the boy clearly needs his head examined.  
  
DS  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TT: I have to say, school seems to have gotten a lot more entertaining since I left.  
TT: I remember Tereza. She is quite the character, although your Karkat seems to leave her in the dust.  
TG: hes the undisputed champion  
TG: gonna represent us at nationals  
TG: youd better be in the bleachers cheering lalonde hes gonna make us so proud  
TT: I'm starting to wonder if he isn't schizophrenic. Apparently high school is when it begins to manifest.  
TG: either that or hes on acid or something idk  
TG: whatever kind of drugs makes you hallucinate im not too familiar with that shit ive barely even touched the kiddy stuff  
TT: If you were inclined to experiment, this should make you think twice.  
TG: i dunno i still think hes probably faking it  
TT: If it is a ploy for attention, he certainly seems committed.  
TT: Perhaps the poor boy just needs to be hugged. In the interest of science, I say you should volunteer.  
TG: yeah uh  
TG: theres actually more to the story  
TG: first i didnt find him in the janitors closet per se  
TG: the door was slightly open when i walked by and he just grabbed my shirt out of nowhere and pulled me in there with him  
TG: scared the everliving shit out of me  
TG: dont tell bro hed never let me live it down i swear i just about pissed my pants  
TG: he was hiding in there from the drones i didnt make that up he legit thought some kinda robots were gonna come in and try to kill us  
TG: like  
TG: me and him specifically  
TG: because he thinks were both mutants  
TT: Harsh.  
TG: i dunno if this is about my albinism or what  
TT: Dave, the kid is completely off his rocker. I doubt it meant anything at all.  
TG: right  
TG: so i decided to ditch the rest of bio class to hang out in a dark closet with the mad hatter  
TG: and then he backed into a bucket and knocked a mop over which knocked some other cleaning stuff off the shelves and he got so flustered  
TG: like he hadnt realized this was a storage space for cleaning supplies and he legit thinks those are obscene  
TG: it was so hilarious i was in tears  
TG: which only got him more embarrassed and defensive about it  
TG: he kept saying its "not what it looks like" he just hates me "in a platonic way"  
TT: As opposed to the regular lustful manner?  
TG: thats what i figure  
TG: i was like dude did you expect me to start macking on you just cause were standing inside a dark closet  
TG: i know im irresistible and all but that shit only works when the doors locked havent you ever seen a 90s movie  
TT: I'm surprised this kid hasn't yet punched you in the face.  
TG: ikr it must really be true love  
TT: Or he thought you might perceive it as a romantic overture.  
TG: lmao  
TG: the funniest thing was he would cling to me whenever we heard someone walk by  
TG: then hed spend the rest of the time telling me how awful I am and how he hopes the drones kill me first  
TG: im starting to think this kid is either gay or a serial killer  
TT: One does not necessarily preclude the other.  
TT: But if you two start dating, please don't bring him over for Thanksgiving. I think adding this amount of crazy to the rampant insanity already plaguing our family might cause tears in the fabric of space-time.  
TG: possibly even in the fluid sense  
TT: Reality itself will weep.  
TG: ...  
TT: No.  
TG: now i kinda need to see that  
TT: Dave, no.  



	9. Day 6 (Saturday): Moives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things Dave doesn't need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: If you are very sensitive to themes of physical abuse / family violence, you may want to skip over the last conversation between Dave and Dirk. It will be preceded by a double line.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: fuck saturdays  
TG: and fuck my brother  
TT: Thanks, but I'm going to have to pass. From what I've seen of his movies, he would be liable to wreck my fragile little frame.  
TG: his what  
TT: Oh shit.  


tentacleTherapist is now offline!

TG: get back here  
TG: argh  


\------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TG: hey  
GT: hi dave!  
TG: can you pretend to be rose for a second  
GT: uh..?  
TG: i need to rant about my bro   
TG: and she just ran away like the little weasel she is  
GT: oh! sure, i can do that.   
GT: let me just grab my pen and clipboard so i can psycho-therapify you while you vent!  
TG: man youve really got her pegged  
GT: (cough) mr. strider, what seems to be the problem?  
TG: saturdays suck  
GT: haha what!  
TG: they suck major balls  
TG: elephant-sized  
GT: do elephants have balls? that's kinda... hard to visualize.  
TG: youre not supposed to visualize them egbert  
TG: why would you want to  
TG: youre googling that shit right now arent you  
GT: hey! i'm on your side remember? all sass should be directed towards the elephants! they're the ones making your saturdays miserable.  
GT: but you should have told me that earlier. i would have invited you over for cake and videogames.  
TG: why cake  
GT: there is always cake in this house.  
GT: you cannot escape the cake!  
TG: ah like i cant escape gross sweaty elephant genitals at my place got it  
GT: do you always vent using gross metaphors?  
TG: most of the time  
GT: i'm not as good as rose at reading between the lines, so...   
GT: do you want to just tell me what this is about?  
TG: my brother just kicked my ass  
TG: like he does every saturday  
TG: just flattened it like a pancake  
TG: pour some syrup on me this ass aint going nowhere  
TG: wont be able to walk for at least a week  
GT: whoa.  
TG: sorry that was another metaphor  
TG: i cant hold onto them  
TG: the little bastards are slippery  
GT: well.  
GT: i'm an only child, so i'm not sure, but... i think it's normal for brothers to fight?  
GT: i mean as long as he's not landing you in the hospital or anything.  
GT: ..are you ok?  
TG: mostly?  
TG: he normally makes me wear protection gear but today i was only allowed to defend with puppets  
TG: and he just kept throwing more puppets at my face  
TG: just pelting me with little furry bastards  
GT: hahaha!  
TG: its not funny man these things are disturbing  
TG: all leering at me with their asses kind of  
TG: jutting out and impudent or whatever  
TG: also the eyes are plastic  
TG: they sting  
TG: but yeah the damage is mostly psychological  
TG: i mean he uses swords too but theyre duller than a nic cage movie  
GT: hey! no one disses nic cage in my presence.  
TG: dude are you serious  
GT: just for that im making you watch seeking justice when you come over next saturday.  
TG: when did i agree to come over?  
GT: it's either seeking justice or another muppet ambush! :)  
TG: oh god  
TG: what have i gotten myself into  
GT: hehehe.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG1] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG2]

TG1: aunt roxy  
TG2: heyi it;s little dj!@   
TG1: oh great youre slushed  
TG2: *wonk* ;)  
TG1: ill just come right out and ask you then  
TG1: is my brother a porn star  
TG2: hahahahhahha  
TG2: hahahahaahahhahah  
TG2: hang on a second sweertie  
TG2: dirk  
TG2: psttt  
TG2: dirk ur brothers got u all figured uot  
TG1: ...still me  
TG2: haha omg sorru sweetyie ill brb  
TG1: yikes  


\------------------------------------------------------------

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: dk?  
TT: Yes?  
TG: heyyy ifound him! *crowd cheers*i  
TT: Who?  
TG: u ;)  
TT: Was I supposed to be hiding?  
TG: ....maaaaayyyyyybe  
TG: *wink*  
TG: *wonk  
TT: Been hitting the sauce again I see. Is it time to stage another intervention?  
TG: aw  
TG: ur no fun :c  
TT: What do you want, Roxy?  
TG: i waaaaaaaaaant.....  
TG: lol  
TG: i forgot  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG2: what were we yalking about/  
TG1: my brother  
TG1: the porn star  
TG1: so i guess i should take that as a yes?  
TG2: it;d a.... ssseeeeecret! sjjhhhh  
TG1: meh  
TG1: nevermind ill just ask him  
TG2: aw u striders alwaus ruin my fun  


\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: oh yeah  
TG: btw  
TG: ur brother thinsk ur a star!  
TT: ...What?  
TG: ur moives  
TG: *movies  
TT: Ah.  
TT: Shit.  


============================================================

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: bro  
TT: Sup, kiddo.  
TT: Wanna go for a rematch?  
TG: youd better be joking  
TG: im barely able to stand  
TG: what happened to going easy on me  
TT: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  
TG: i dunno if cps will see it that way  
TT: I'm not going to coddle you forever just because they're a looming threat.  
TG: whatever  
TG: i dont care  
TG: just tell me one thing  
TT: I'm not a star.  
TG: what  
TT: Just because I've appeared in a few pornos doesn't make me an underworld celebrity.  
TG: how did you know what i was gonna say  
TT: I presume you've seen them.  
TG: what??? no  
TT: Just do me a favor and don't jerk off to them in this house, it would disturb the hell out of me if I walked in on that.  
TG: wtf   
TG: first of all i have never beaten it to your apparently massive shlong nor will i ever  
TT: Alright.  
TG: second eww you guys are all insane perverts  
TG: why am i the one followed by a psychiatrist when i'm surrounded by so many loose cannons  
TT: Psychologist.  
TG: who cares  
TG: third just KNOCK before entering my room  
TT: That reminds me.  
TT: Don't freak out if a cop comes over tonight.  
TG: what! why would a cop come over  
TT: To make good use of that monster you say you've never fapped to.  
TG: wait  
TG: a male cop???  
TT: ...I guess you really haven't watched them.  
TG: omg  
TG: barf  


turntechGodhead is now offline!


	10. Day 7 (Sunday, Early Afternoon): Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nonexistent user sends an ominous message.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: did you know my brothers gay  
TT: Dave. The whole world knows your brother is gay.  
TG: im being serious  
TT: So am I. The man is a rainbow butterfly. Glitter falls out of every flower he humps. You can't tell me you failed to notice the sparkle.  
TG: i dont know i thought the giant unicorn posters were ironic  
TT: That's adorable.  
TT: So what made you come to realize the painfully obvious? You didn't actually search for his videos, did you?  
TG: ew no  
TG: his latest flower is a screamer is all  
TG: barely got any sleep last night they kept banging against the wall  
TG: literally  
TT: Sucks to be you.  
TG: i still cant believe you watched my brothers porn  
TT: I thought it would be funny. Or at the very least, make good blackmail material.  
TG: blackmailing a strider are you suicidal  
TT: I do make ill-advised decisions on occasion. You would do well not to follow in my footsteps. Some of Dirk's kinks are rather disturbing. There are things which cannot be unseen.  
TG: omg hes doing gross things with puppets isnt he  
TG: dont answer that  
TG: i dont want to know  
TT: All I can tell you is that the images are seared into my brain forever.  
TG: thatll teach you to look up your cousins on youporn  
TT: I'll have you know that the questionable material in question was hidden in plain sight on my mother's laptop.  
TT: In a folder labeled dirkiebby<333!3  
TT: It seems her hobby is to edit each video to add in poorly hand-drawn cats.  
TG: why are our guardians so weird  


\------------------------------------------------------------

twin Armageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: hey 2hiit2taiin.  
TA: quit me22iing wiith karkat iif you know what2 good for you.  
TG: da fuk  
TG: whos this  
TA: dont talk two hiim, dont even look at hiim.  
TG: or what  
TA: youll 2ee.  
TG: its a little hard to understand you dude  
TG: are you typing with a lisp is that what this is  
TA: con2iider your2elf warned.  


twin Armageddons [TA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: alright thanks for the pep talk colonel mustard

error - invalid chum handle  
twinArmageddons doesn't exist!

TG: wtf???

error - invalid chum handle  
twinArmageddons doesn't exist!

\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: some nonexistent fucker just popped on to warn me away from krazykat  
TG: do you know a twinArmageddons?  
TT: Can't say it rings a bell.  
TG: hes not even listed on my chum roll i dont get how he was able to message me in the first place  
TG: or why he would feel the need to  
TG: did someone snap a picture of us hiding in the cleaning supplies and send it to the school newspaper  
TG: why would anyone care  
TT: Maybe not everyone is as oblivious to couples coming out of the closet as you are.  
TG: very funny rose you should do standup  
TT: Thank you, I try.  
TG: your material is so fresh you can see morning dew on it if you zoom in real close  
TT: My career options aside, perhaps you two were seen hugging at some point?  
TG: id describe it more as a violent terror squeeze  
TT: I'm sure you make a very comforting squeaky toy.  
TG: thats exactly what i am  
TG: a slobbery piece of rubber for some coked up chihuahua  
TT: As fascinating as that image is, I will leave its interpretation to the professionals.  
TT: Which reminds me, don't you have an appointment to get to?  
TG: fuuuuuuuuuuck  
TG: im gonna be late bro is gonna kill me  
TT: Maybe he'll just slice off a finger or two.  
TG: you are just the best at reassuring people  
TT: Go on, run. Don't forget your journal.  
TG: thx i was about to  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

turntechGodhead is now offline!


	11. Day 7 (Sunday, Evening): Red Means Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! All aboard the Karkat wagon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been deviating quite a lot from my original plan for this story, hence the title change. I'm just having more fun with the "I'm not crazy, you're crazy!" theme. With that said, you still get a little taste of "red is for freaks" here.
> 
> Enjoy : )

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: STRIDER.  
TG: hello sweetheart  
CG: SPARE ME THE BANTER. LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.  
TG: already? don't you want to buy me dinner first?  
CG: WHY DID YOU FOLLOW ME TO THE MIND DISSECTOR'S OFFICE. AND WHY DID YOU INSTRUCT THE RECEPTOBSTRUCTIONIST TO HAND ME YOUR TROLL TAG.  
TG: receptobstructionist holy shit  
TG: you come up with the best names for things  
CG: I DO NOT "COME UP" WITH THEM. THIS IS THE TERM ANY INTELLIGENT SPECIES WOULD USE TO DESIGNATE A PERSON WHOSE ROLE IS TO DELAY AND FRUSTRATE ANYONE WHO ENTERS WHETHER THEY HAVE A PRIOR APPOINTMENT OR NOT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU PAN-ADDLED MILK SECRETERS LACK THE COMMON SENSE TO LABEL ANYTHING PROPERLY.  
TG: to answer your question i wasnt following you  
TG: you and i just happen to get our brains picked apart by the same mad scientist  
TG: nothing suspicious about that  
CG: OH! WELL, WHEN YOU PHRASE IT LIKE THAT IT SOUNDS TOTALLY INNOCUOUS.  
CG: I'M BEING SARCASTIC, IN CASE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO TELL. HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE SAME THERAPROPAGANDIST?  
TG: saw you come out of the docs office while i was waiting my turn  
CG: THAT IS A STEAMING PILE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT. I WOULD HAVE SEEN YOU IN THE WAITING ROOM.  
TG: you would have if you hadnt been rushing to the washroom to dry your widdle tears  
CG: THOSE WEREN'T TEARS. I HAVE ALLERGIES. AND ALSO FUCK YOU.  
TG: and i left you my chum handle because i was bored  
CG: YOUR *CHUM HANDLE*. SERIOUSLY?  
CG: NO, WHAT AM I SAYING. OF COURSE YOU WOULD USE AN ARCHAIC CHAT CLIENT DESIGNED FOR WIGGLERS.  
TG: dude wtf is a wiggler  
CG: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A WIGGLER IS?!  
CG: DID YOUR LUSUS NOT TELL YOU ABOUT THE FEATHERBEASTS AND DATA BEES?  
TG: english please  
TG: this is giving me a headache already  
CG: DON'T MAKE ME HAVE THIS TALK WITH YOU. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOUR VARIOUS MATING BITS HAVE TO INTERMINGLE IN THE FERTILIZATION PROCESS.  
CG: IT'S A WONDER YOUR SPECIES MANAGED TO SURVIVE THIS LONG WITHOUT A MOTHER GRUB OR ANY BASIC KNOWLEDGE OF REPRODUCTION!  
TG: wait so you seriously think youre from a different species  
CG: THAT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WITH A FUNCTIONAL PAIR OF GANDERBULBS.  
CG: DID YOU THINK THE HORNS WERE JUST A DECORATIVE HEAD ATTACHMENT?  
TG: thats hilarious bro  
TG: where are those horns of yours  
TG: did they get eaten by that poofy mess you call your hair  
CG: MY HORNS MAY BE NUBBY AND SHORT BUT THEY ARE STILL HARD ENOUGH TO PIERCE THROUGH YOUR RIDICULOUSLY SOFT HUMAN STERNUM.  
TG: aww are you sensitive about their size  
TG: its ok i wont tell anyone about your tiny horns  
CG: FUCK YOU. THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T IMPALED YOU WITH THEM YET IS THAT I DON'T WANT YOUR DISGUSTING BLOOD SPLASHING ON MY FACE.  
TG: are you supposed to be a demon  
TG: or one of those mischievous little imps  
TG: do you walk around with a pitchfork  
TG: is it a tiny pitchfork is that why i havent seen it  
TG: oh i know  
TG: are you a chupacabra  
CG: I'M A TROLL, ASSHOLE.  
TG: arent those the ugly giants  
TG: they turn to stone or something  
TG: i cant remember im pretty sure i fell asleep halfway through lord of the rings  
CG: QUIT TRYING TO PROVOKE ME. I'VE ALREADY SAID I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU IN A PITCH WAY.  
TG: is that a pitcher-catcher innuendo  
TG: are you saying youd rather play out in the field  
TG: catch my fly ball  
TG: witness the grand salami  
CG: YOU'RE EVEN MORE AGGRAVATING ONLINE THAN IN PERSON.  
CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT SO WE CAN ALL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.  
TG: i already told you  
TG: i was just bored  
TG: and wanted to see if you were alright i guess lets not make a federal fucking issue over it  
CG: OH.  
TG: i mean  
TG: you were pretty freaked out on friday  
CG: YOU WOULD HAVE FLIPPED YOUR SHIT TOO IF YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION.  
TG: dude why would a bunch of killer robots come to our school  
TG: why would they target you and me specifically  
CG: BECAUSE OF WHAT WE ARE. YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED IT.  
TG: what  
TG: a couple of teenagers with psychological issues  
TG: everyone has those  
TG: just look around us  
TG: try to find one person who isnt fucked up  
CG: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INNER WORKINGS OF OUR THINK PANS, DUMBASS.  
CG: IT'S ABOUT PHYSICAL DEFECTS.  
TG: alright lets not pretend were not good looking dudes  
TG: were a pair of fine motherfuckers  
TG: wed have half the school after us if we werent acting like a pair of hostile and smug assholes respectively  
TG: women would be lining up for a shot at bearing our children  
CG: NO THEY FUCKING WOULDN'T.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.   
CG: WE'RE MUTANTS. YOU AND I. A DISGRACE TO OUR RESPECTIVE SPECIES. FREAK GLITCHES TO BE ERADICATED FROM THE GENE POOL. THE ONLY REASON SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO COLLECT OUR GENETIC MATERIAL WOULD BE TO PRESENT IT AS PROOF SO THEY CAN GET US EXECUTED.  
TG: how am i a mutant  
TG: do you think im hiding a pair of tiny horns under my hair  
TG: youre welcome to feel my scalp if you dont believe me  
TG: might as well give me a massage while youre at it  
TG: i might purr for you if you get it right  
CG: TRYING TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU IS LIKE PULLING FANGS. I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BEING FLIRTY OR ANNOYING ON PURPOSE OR IF YOU'RE JUST TOO STUPID TO GET IT.  
CG: I HEARD THE RUMORS. I KNOW YOU'RE AN ALBINO.  
TG: what about it  
CG: YOUR EYES ARE RED, AREN'T THEY? THAT'S WHY YOU HIDE THEM.  
TG: thats just speculation  
CG: YOU'RE NOT DENYING IT.  
TG: maybe i just like to keep people guessing  
CG: EVEN IF THEIR "GUESS" GETS YOU CULLED???  
TG: yeah youve lost me again  
TG: why is my eye color such a big deal  
CG: SIGH. I'LL TRY TO DUMB IT DOWN FOR YOU:  
CG: RED IRISES MEAN RED BLOOD.  
CG: RED BLOOD MEANS DEATH.  
TG: what  
TG: dude wtf are you on  
TG: everyone has red blood  
TG: red blood is normal  
CG: LISTEN. WHOEVER HAS BEEN FEEDING YOU THIS LIE WANTS YOU DEAD.  
TG: are you serious with this shit  
TG: is this some elaborate prank or are you honestly worried about getting murdered for having the same blood color as everybody else  
CG: STRIDER.  
TG: youre not a big troll monster dude  
CG: DAVE LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS SERIOUS.  
TG: take a look in the mirror for gods sake  
CG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW SOMEONE BLEEDING.  
TG: is this a joke?  
TG: you see people bleeding in movies all the time  
CG: THAT'S BECAUSE THE PEOPLE YOU SEE BLEEDING IN MOVIES ARE LOWBLOODS, IDIOT!  
TG: you cant seriously think all these people are mutants  
TG: you do know the actors dont actually get murdered on set, right?  
CG: FORGET ABOUT THE ACTORS, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE CHARACTERS! THEY GET KILLED BECAUSE THEY ARE LOWBLOODS. THEY BLEED RED BECAUSE THEY ARE LOWBLOODS. HOW IS THIS NOT GETTING THROUGH YOUR THICK MONKEY SKULL?!  
TG: jesus fucking christ  
TG: how do YOU not get it  
TG: there are no highs or lows dude  
TG: everyone  
TG: bleeds  
TG: red  
CG: FINE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU BELIEVE ME.   
CG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND AVOID FLAUNTING YOUR BLOOD COLOR. I'll TAKE CARE OF THE RUMOR. I'LL... THINK OF SOMETHING.  
TG: no you listen to me  
TG: i dont care about the stupid rumor  
TG: im safe  
TG: youre safe  
TG: nobodys after us  
TG: were as safe as anyone can be in a school full of immature jerks  
TG: which means the worst were likely to get is a couple insults highlighting the fact that im pinker than a baby pig and you act like a big weirdo all the time  
TG: and if anyone wants to escalate that ill take care of it  
TG: i know how to take punches and i know how to throw them alright?  
TG: ive got your back man so just  
TG: fucking chill  
CG: ...  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER TRYING TO REASON WITH YOU.  
CG: YOU POOR NAIVE WRETCH.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


	12. Day 8 (Monday): Boom.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux is not messing around.

Day 7 (Monday)

Sup, doc. 

Yesterday was our second "session" or whatever you call it. Remember how you told me that my journal was mostly about Karkat so far and that I should "write about Dave Strider"? Well I figured out why the bits about Karkat are pretty redundant to you. Seeing as he's your patient and all.

I get that you've got confidentiality issues to take into consideration but isn't there anything at all you can tell me? I really need to know what his deal is. At least give me some pointers on how to handle him. I thought it was funny at first but now I'm seriously concerned about him. I don't know if he talks about me as much as I talk about him, probably not I guess, but he's totally convinced that we're both going to get killed and I don't know how to deal with him. He thinks he's somehow responsible for my safety since I'm the weaker species or something. Confronting him doesn't seem to help but neither does playing along and I'm worried that if he keeps this up he's gonna get suspended from school or they're gonna try to lock him up or something. I can't tell if he likes me or hates me or what, but I feel tangled up in whatever is going on. Between him and my brother trying to play mommy with me one minute and reverting to being a stone cold hardass the next I'm just totally confused.

I mean I get that bro is trying hard for my sake and this is all new to him too. I'm not complaining. I still want to live with him. It's just. I'm realizing that I don't really know him that well.

Yeah... I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'm just gonna stop here. 

DS

\------------------------------------------------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: what the fuck diid you do?  


error - user could not be blocked  
twinArmageddons doesn't exist!

TG: goddammit  


\------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose i need to talk to you about karkat  
TG: hes not right  
TG: i thought he was just fucking with me but  
TG: i think something is actually wrong with him  
TG: like in a major way  
TG: its like he lives in a d&d world he thinks hes like an orc or some shit  
TG: also we have the same psychologist  
TG: and hes convinced that were both in mortal danger  
TG: hes got these dark circles under his eyes like he hasnt slept in days and im worried that hes gonna try to do something stupid  
TG: what do i do  
TA: here2 what youre gonna do.  
TA: youre gonna 2tay away from karkat ju2t liike ii told you two.  
TG: where the hell did you come from  
TA: youre gonna 2tiick your head back up your a22 and pretend thii2 wa2 all ju2t a dream.  
TG: are you e-stalking me  
TA: and youre gonna wake up and go about your karkat-free bu2iine22 liike any regular lo2er.  
TG: ok first of all, rude  
TG: this is a private conversation  
TA: ii2 iit? look2 more liike the monologue of a whiiner two me.  
TG: second im not gonna start pretending the guy doesnt exist so why dont you fuck off  
TA: well iim not goiing anywhere eiither 2o you can ju2t 2uck iit.  
TG: is this about us spending time in a closet together  
TG: are you worried that im gonna steal your boyfriend  
TG: i cant help it if im irresistible to men women and alien monsters alike  
TA: huh.  
TA: are you 2ayiing you beliieve iin aliien2?  
TG: totally bro  
TG: i usually wear a tin foil hat but they wont let me bring it to school  
TA: typiical. youre one of tho2e 2elf-centered a22hole2 who thiink the uniiver2e revolve2 around them.  
TA: there are biilliion2 of habiitable planets iin thii2 galaxy alone, but no! of cour2e you thiink thii2 ii2 the only one which 2upport2 iintelliigent liife form2. otherwii2e you wouldnt be part of the mo2t 2peciial race iin the uniiver2e!  
TA: you know what, fuck you. fuck you 2iideway2 and then agaiin from the other 2iide for good mea2ure. you dii2gu2t me.  
TG: sorry bro maybe next time  
TG: i just finished doing your troll bf  
TG: need to take a break or my dick is gonna fall off  
TG: those sentient alien life forms have a lot of stamina  
TA: that2 iit. you a2ked for iit.  


twinArmageddons sent the file boom.ath

turntechGodhead's computer exploded!

TT: ...  
TT: What the hell just happened?  



	13. Day 9 (Tuesday, Afternoon): Principal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets caught pestering in class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some sober Roxy!

turntechGodhead [TG1] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG2]

TG1: hey aunt rox  
TG2: heyyy theres my favorite nephew!  
TG1: favorite  
TG1: why what did dirk do  
TG2: that punks been givin me attitude  
TG2: sides ur the baby so ur the cute one!:3  
TG1: well im not gonna argue with you  
TG1: i am pretty damn adorable  
TG2: fo realz  
TG2: so why u pesterin me n why arent u in class?  
TG1: i am  
TG1: had to install pesterchum on my phone  
TG1: some douchewaffle sent me a virus yesterday  
TG1: now my computer wont do anything  
TG1: it boots up fine but if i try to run anything it starts flashing oversaturated colors and making old modem noises  
TG2: lol  
TG2: u gotta appreciate tha noise its a classic  
TG1: not helping  
TG2: ;)  
TG2: what does ur antivirus say?  
TG1: how would i know  
TG1: i cant fucking run it  
TG2: nice  
TG2: did this kid program that himself i mightve to take him under my wing  
TG2: or her?  
TG1: pretty sure its a him  
TG1: also pretty sure that he coded this shit trap for my sake  
TG1: i guess i should feel special   
TG2: congrats! u mustve really pissed him off  
TG1: im all sorts of popular in the hate department these days  
TG1: mostly in the platonic way though  
TG2: ???   
TG1: you dont wanna know  
TG1: i dont even know tbh  
TG2: so how do u know the virus came from that guy?  
TG1: cause he sent me the file through pesterchum  
TG1: literally seconds before everything went to shit  
TG2: and u just opened it like a chump?  
TG2: no dessert for u young man  
TG2: go 2 ur room etc  
TG1: i didnt even click on it  
TG1: it just opened on its own  
TG2: haha not bad 4 a script kiddie  
TG1: yes bad  
TG1: me getting owned is bad  
TG1: whose side are you on here  
TG1: focus pls  
TG2: sorry! lol  
TG1: also this shithead has been eavesdropping on my private conversations with your daughter what do you think of that  
TG2: i think  
TG2: thats hella rude  
TG2: we need to show that little ruffian whos boss!  
TG1: thats what i thought  
TG1: think you could track him down for me?  
TG2: i prolly could but  
TG2: why didnt u ask dk 4 help?  
TG1: why would i ask him when ive got an auntie whos badass with this stuff  
TG2: cause im all the way in ny and hes got physical access to ur machine?  
TG1: yeah but  
TG1: youre the whiz kid  
TG1: and im not sure he can even copy-paste  
TG2: lmfao  
TG2: what do u think ur brother does all day?  
TG1: no idea  
TG1: prolly wanders around the neighborhood marking his territory  
TG1: getting into fights with the other tom cats   
TG2: ...i can totes see that tbh  
TG2: perched on the fence n screechin  
TG1: serenading the females  
TG1: well the males i guess  
TG2: lmfao  
TG1: dont laugh im still adjusting to that revelation  
TG2: *snort*  
TG2: (im holding it in)  
TG1: seriously though all i know is he leaves before me and comes home after me  
TG1: thats if he comes home at all  
TG1: though to be fair hes been cooking dinner more often lately  
TG1: and he usually calls if hes gonna be late  
TG2: aw  
TG2: u boys need 2 speak 2 each other  
TG1: but thats not the strider way!  
TG1: what about tradition  
TG1: whos gonna preserve our family values  
TG2: ur so f'n cute i just wanna squeeze ur face!!<3  
TG2: but i gtg im at work ppl are startin to give me looks  
TG1: tell them this is top priority shit  
TG1: and that if you leave im totally gonna pout  
TG2: such a sweet manipulative little shit  
TG2: did ur brother teach you that trick?  
TG1: busted  
TG2: ask him to take a look at ur computer  
TG2: im sure he can hunt down that script kiddie 4 u  
TG1: meh...   
TG1: if you say so  
TG2: ;)  
TG2: luv u  
TG1: yea  


turntechGodhead [TG1] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG2]

\------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: bro  
TG: you busy tonight?  
TG: ........  
TG: text me when you get this i guess  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
TG: thats cold bro  
TG: i thought we were tight  
CG: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE LECTORTURER.  
CG: HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU THAT I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENT?  
TG: i would hope so  
TG: you suck at lap dances  
CG: WHEN DID I EVEN  
CG: NEVERMIND. I'M NOT GOING TO HUMOR YOU BY GOING DOWN THAT ROAD. MY ASS IS STAYING FIRMLY SEATED IN THIS AWFUL PLASTIC CHAIR THAT SQUEAKS EVERY TIME I MOVE AND IS ATTACHED TO THE DESK AT JUST THE OPTIMAL DISTANCE TO MAXIMIZE DISCOMFORT.  
TG: paying attention in class is overrated  
TG: paying attention to me is a lot more fun  
CG: IF YOU'RE A SELF-PAILING MASOCHIST, SURE.  
TG: got a question for you  
TG: been making my think sponge itch  
CG: FINE. YOU WON ME OVER WITH YOUR UNCHARACTERISTIC USE OF PROPER TERMINOLOGY.  
CG: SO TO REITERATE: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
TG: is a troll supposed to be some kind of alien?  
CG: HEY LOOK! THE MONKEY FINALLY PUT ON ITS THINKING SKULL COVER.  
TG: i cant take all the credit  
TG: your friend tipped me off  
CG: THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS. WHICH "FRIEND" WOULD THAT BE.  
TG: some mystery kid whos been really pissy with me ever since our closet escapade  
TG: he threw a tantrum yesterday and infected my computer with some kind of virus  
TG: its down for the count  
CG: OH. THAT GRUBFISTING SACK OF GASTRIC JUICE.  
TG: sounds about right  
TG: and the odd choice of text color suddenly makes sense  
TG: btw im using my iphone now so can you make sure pukeboy doesnt infect this one  
TG: im not sure how long i could last without it  
TG: im a kid of the 2000s this is basically my life support system  
CG: I'M ON IT.  


\------------------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: HEY YOU PESTILATING CROTCHBLISTER.  
CG: LEAVE LORD MCDOUCHE AND HIS ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION DEVICES AL0NE OR I'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE SHAME GLOBES.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

\------------------------------------------------------------

CG: THERE. THAT SHOULD DO IT.  
TG: thanks bro  
CG: SURE. CAN I GO BACK TO THE LECTURE NOW?  
TG: absolutely  
TG: knock yourself out  
TG: i wont say another word  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
TG: so...  
CG: SIGH. I CAN SEE IT'S JUST GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.  
CG: ALRIGHT JUST SPIT IT OUT, ASSHOLE.  
TG: what planet do trolls come from  
CG: OUR SPECIES ORIGINATED ON BEFORUS.  
CG: BUT I'M FROM ALTERNIA.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: and where is that  
CG: REALLY FUCKING FAR IS WHERE. WHY DO YOU CARE.  
TG: how did you get to earth  
CG: ON A SPACESHIP, WHAT ELSE WOULD WE TRAVEL ON. METEORITES?  
TG: was it a flying saucer  
TG: did you make a sweet crop circle  
TG: probe some farmers  
TG: mix their dna with some of their cows  
CG: GREAT IDEA, LET'S CROSS TWO OF THE DUMBEST SPECIES ON THIS CROTCHSTAIN OF A PLANET AND SEE JUST HOW MUCH WORSE WE CAN MAKE THEM!  
CG: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO CREATE MAMMALIAN HYBRIDS? AS IF THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH OF YOU PATHETIC LIVEBEARERS OUT THERE. COMING OUT OF THE NOOK HALF-BAKED, PISSING AND DROOLING ALL OVER YOURSELVES. YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE A MINUTE IN THE BROODING CAVERNS.  
CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE TALKING TO YOU. THIS IRRITATED FONDNESS I SEEM TO BE DEVELOPING IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT HARDER ON ME WHEN THE CULLING DRONES INEVITABLY FIND AND DESTROY YOU IN THE MOST GRUESOME MANNER IMAGINABLE.  
TG: idk man my bros been training me pretty hard  
TG: if they fight with cheap swords and plush toys i might stand a pretty good chance  
CG: YOU'RE STILL NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.  
TG: nope  
CG: YOU SHITSMOKING PILE OF SEEDFLAP RESIDUE.  
TG: ...go on  


carcinoGeneticist blocked turntechGodhead

carcinoGeneticist unblocked turntechGodhead

CG: QUIT THROWING BITS OF PAPERS AT ME YOU SPONGEFUCKED BULGEGOBBLING APE!  
TG: hey  
CG: WHAT NOW?!  
TG: everything alright?  
CG: IT WAS BEFORE YOU STARTED SHOWERING ME WITH GARBAGE!  
TG: you sure?  
TG: they just called you on the pa  
CG: WTF IS A PA.  
TG: public announcement system  
CG: WHY CAN'T YOU CALL IT A SHOUTBOX LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?  
TG: pretty sure youre the only one who does bro  
TG: ...  
TG: arent you gonna get going  
CG: NO.  
TG: is this because they called you kareem  
CG: THEY CAN USE MY TROLL NAME OR LICK MY WRITHING BULGE. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.  
TG: dude security's gonna come and drag your ass to the principals office  
TG: wouldnt you rather walk there on your own  
CG: HA! IF THEY THINK THEY CAN DRAG ME OUT OF HERE AGAINST MY WILL THEY'RE IN FOR A SURPRISE.  
TG: alright i get it bro youre a big tough alien but maybe you should cooperate just this once  
TG: it would suck if you got expelled over this  
CG: YES HOW SAD WOULD IT BE IF I COULDN'T SEE YOUR GROSS HUMAN FACE EVERY FUCKING DAY.  
CG: I'M LEAKING DISMAY FLUID JUST CONTEMPLATING THE THOUGHT.  
CG: WAIT NO I'M NOT.  
CG: AND BY THE WAY.  
CG: GUESS WHO'S BEEN STANDING BEHIND YOU FOR A WHILE.

turntechGodhead is now offline! 

CG: WHO'S OFF TO THE PRINCIPAL'S NOW, SHITSPONGE?

carcinoGeneticist is now offline!


	14. Day 9 (Tuesday, Afternoon): Peachy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's dad is very active on tumblr.

Day 9 (Tuesday)

My computer has a virus so I'm writing this on my phone. I'm waiting outside the principal's office right now and I just overheard some stuff that kind of... answers some questions about Karkat by raising even more of them...? 

I guess I should start by explaining what I'm doing here. Karkat got called in first, because his dad was already there talking to the principal. He wasn't technically in trouble then, except he kicked up a fuss when they called him by his "human name" so two people had to grab him by the arms and drag him there.

Oh, right. Karkat told me he's a troll, I guess I should have mentioned that at some point. Heh. Not that it will be shocking news to you or anything.

Anyway, I warned him that if he didn't go on his own they would take him there by force. I shouldn't have bothered -- we just argued back and forth until I got caught texting in class. So in the end I had to follow Karkat to the principal's, since apparently we are both "disruptive influences" on the class. But at least they didn't confiscate my phone. I've been waiting out here for a while so I would have been really bored without it.

\------------------------------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Sup bro.  
TG: hey there you are  
TG: ive got a favor to ask  
TT: I'll take at look at your computer when I get home.  
TG: get out of my head dude  
TG: how do you always know what im going to say  
TT: Just got off the phone with Roxy.  
TG: ah  
TG: alright then  
TG: thanks  
TT: How much do we know about our little script bunny?  
TG: pretty much diddly squat  
TG: doesnt like to share his toys  
TG: adds 2s everywhere  
TG: writes in a particular shade called pantone vomit c  
TG: the c stands for chunks  
TT: Anyone bothering you at school?  
TG: nah  
TG: everythings fine here  
TG: everybody loves me im in no trouble whatsoever  
TG: totally peachy  
TT: Alright.  
TT: Burgers and Doritos for dinner?  
TG: hell yeah  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\------------------------------------------------------------

No one has said anything to me yet. I've just been sitting here with the secretary and listening to a long argument between the principal and Karkat's dad. It's mostly Karkat's dad talking actually, the man monologues like the villain of a superhero movie. There's also the occasional protest from Karkat, who's mostly just insulted that the others keep talking about him as though he weren't there.

From what I understand, Karkat was diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder but his dad disagrees with the diagnosis because he says it can't be a disorder if the person is not in distress. (Personally I'd say that living in fear of imaginary murder drones counts as distress, but what do I know?)

So basically the school is arguing that Karkat's behavior is disruptive and that we shouldn't be encouraging his delusions. And Karkat's dad's position is that if Karkat identifies as a troll, he should be allowed to live as a troll. Which is kind of fucked up but also kind of makes sense when you consider that a troll is basically like a quirky human, as in they wear normal clothes and go to school and brush their teeth and stuff, only they call it bodily attire, getting schoolfed and scrubbing their fangs. Apparently Karkat gets good grades and has plenty of friends, so that means he's not really maladjusted? But if those are the criteria, then I'm the one who's really in trouble because my grades suck and I don't particularly want to make friends.

Kardad had some good arguments too. Like if Karkat identified as a human female we would allow him to live as one, right? And no one would be allowed to question it because that would be discrimination. So if someone can be biologically male and psychologically female, why not biologically human and psychologically something else. Like, who are we to know.

But, y'know... If Karkat could take a pill and stop hallucinating horns on his head when he looks in the mirror, wouldn't that be better? What if acting like we believe him is what makes him confuse his fantasies with reality in the first place?

DS

\------------------------------------------------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: we need two talk.  
TG: not interested  
TA: chiill, ii'm not gonna break your preciiou2 phone. but way two hiide behiind kk, you chiicken2hiit.  
TT: Is this the guy?  
TG: yup  
TG: also jesus stop creeping up on me you cyberfreaks  
TT: Care to tell me why you're bothering my bro here?  
TA: miind your own busiine22 you taiintliickiing a22whiiffer.  
TT: Wrong answer.  
TG: oh you done fucked up now  


timaeusTestified sent the file glitterstorm.ath

twinArmageddon's computer exploded!

TG: holy shit  
TG: did  
TG: did that file really blow up the guys computer?  
TT: Nah. That's just what Trollian says when the software crashes for one of the users.  
TT: He won't be signing back on for a while, though.  
TG: whats trollian  
TT: Chat client, irc-based. Like Pesterchum with group chat features.  
TG: huh  
TG: so you actually know your way around a computer  
TT: I do alright.  
TG: i guess i don't really know much about you  
TG: i mean  
TG: obviously i don't know much about you we've only been living together for a short time  
TG: like  
TG: what do you do all day?  
TT: You'll find out tomorrow.  
TG: huh?  
TT: See you at home.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: why do you always have to be such a cryptic ass  



	15. Day 10 (Wednesday, Afternoon): Computer science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk inadvertently creates a rainbow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who have never used irc commands, it may help to know that /msg [username] is the command for private messages.
> 
> Also, clearly I am insane for attempting this.  
> x_x

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: wtf are you doing here???   
TT: Take a seat, kid. Instructions are on the board.   
TG: this is so fucked up   
TT: Switching off my phone now.

\------------------------------------------------------------

You have joined the board INTRO TO COMPUTER SCIENCE.

You have joined room #EVERYBODY GET IN HERE as an observer.

Instructors  
Dirk K. Strider (@instructor)

Observers  
Sheridan Ampora (@sheridan)  
Pollux S. Castor (@pollux)  
Arcadia Megiddo (@arcadia)  
Stavros Nitram (@stavros)  
Felicity F. Peixe (@felicity)  
Zack E. Quies (@zack)  
David J. Strider (@david)

instructor: I see a lot of you figured out how to get the software running. If the person next to you is not logged into the chatroom yet, I want you to give them a hand. Once everyone has joined the channel, we can get started. Luckily, this is a small group. Once all 14 of you are logged in, I will give you permission to start posting.

Nikeeta Lejeune (@nikeeta) has joined the room!  
Ramsey McHara (@ramsey) has joined the room!  
Mariska Secret (@mariska) has joined the room!

instructor: Schoodle is pretty similar to popular chat clients like Pesterchum and Trollian. It supports standard irc commands - the list is on the blackboard for those who aren't familiar with them, which I'm guessing is the vast majority of you millenials. I expect you to use them, especially the one for private messages.

John Egbert (@john) has joined the room!  
Kareem Vantas (@kareem) has joined the room!  
Tereza P. Ropey (@tereza) has joined the room!

instructor: The chat window will blink when someone mentions your name or sends you a private message. It will also blink whenever I post something. Pay attention, because I will be using this chatroom to provide you with instructions throughout the course. You can also use it to ask me general questions. For questions which are specific to you, message me privately or raise your hand.

Kanya Mariam (@kanya) has joined the room!

instructor: Now that everyone's here, you may start posting.

You are now allowed to participate in the discussion!

felicity: )(I ----EVERYBODY! 

david: <instructor> _you sneaky bastard_

instructor: <david> _Surprise._

sheridan: hey fef hows it goin

john: hi!

pollux: @instructor can i take the final exam now and get credit for the course?

mariska: /ms tereza Isn't that DK Stri????????

tereza: OMG Y3S >:O

sheridan: nice privvate message

pollux: way to miss the g there spiderface.

arcadia: @p0llux why are y0u dr0pping y0ur quirk

arcadia: i mean @pollux

tereza: Y3S WHY 4R3NT YOU WR1T1NG 1N D3L1C1OUS K3Y L1M3 P13 F1LL1NG

pollux: jegus, get off my bulge you guys.

john: haha, did you steal that from karkat?

tereza: ONLY TH3 BULG3 P4RT, TH3 J3GUS TH1NG 1S FROM M3

instructor: @pollux - This is a good example of a question which should be sent privately.

tereza: 1 D1S4GR33, TH3 4NSW3R COULD POT3NT14LLY B3N3F1T TH3 R3ST OF TH3 CLASS >:] 

kareem: THAT'S RIGHT, IMAGINE *NOT* HAVING TO PUT UP WITH HIS GRIPING FOR AN ENTIRE SEMESTER.

pollux: because figuring out whether our teacher transforms into dk stri on the weekend is of such public interest.

dave: @pollux now youre getting it

felicity: W)(o's DK Stri? 38D

tereza: H3'S 4 DJ TH4T M4R1SK4 H4S 4 HUG3 CRUSH ON

john: and our new computer science teacher apparently!

mariska: <tereza> _You 8itch!_

tereza: <mariska> _H3H3H3H3 >:]_

mariska: What8ver. I'm not em88rassed to ask him dir8ctly!

stavros: uH, aRE WE GOING TO GET A SYLLABUS, OR,,, 

instructor: @mariska, @terezi - Aren't you a little young to be frequenting night clubs?

sheridan: wwhys he usin ~dk~ instead a ~dj stride~

instructor: @sheridan - Obviously, those initials were already taken so I went with my own.

david: <instructor> _if the whole school starts calling me dj im gonna murder you in your sleep_

david: <instructor> _im not even kidding ill take your dullest-looking sword and bludgeon you to death with it_

instructor: As fascinating as my personal life is, let's try to keep the questions course-related, guys. If you're so curious about my hobbies, we can discuss those after class.

pollux: @instructor so can i skip this course or what. these guys are obviously all noobs.

david: <instructor> _if youre really going to discuss your hobbies with them you might want to omit the more questionable ones_

instructor: @pollux - If you can show me that you're able to program more than mediocre viruses, I might consider it.

john: haha, @pollux he's got you pegged already!

pollux: _< john> do me a favor and 2tfu_

pollux: @instructor i dont know what youre alluding two.

pollux: *to

john: <pollux> _haha! smooth, bro._

david: <instructor> _omg this is the guy_

tereza: <pollux> _WH4T D1D YOU DO >:P_

david: <instructor> _did you know about this already_

pollux: <tereza> _none of your bee2wax_

kareem: @SOLLUX WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THIS, IT'S CREEPING ME OUT.

david: <instructor> _is that why youre here did you infiltrate the school like were in some kind of shitty detective movie_

tereza: K4RK4T YOU H4V3 TO WR1T3 @POLLUX

instructor: <david> _Of course I did. Why do you think I cultivate these rad ninja skills?_

kareem: THIS SYSTEM IS DUMB. HOW DO WE CHANGE OUR USERNAMES. 

instructor: @kareem - Great question, Karkat. Figuring that out will be this week's hacking challenge.

john: heck yeah! hacking challenge :D

david: <instructor> _whose bright idea was it to put you in charge of a group of impressionable teenagers_

kareem: PLEASE, EGBERT. YOU COULDN'T HACK YOUR WAY OUT OF A CARDBOARD BOX.

instructor: <david> _Relax, the kids are safe. The administration made me leave all my weapons at home._

david: <instructor> _the scary thing is i cant even tell if youre fucking with me right now_

kanya: Can Someone Show Me How To Change My Text Color

john: is it me or is the conversation getting really difficult to follow?

arcadia: it really is 0_0

felicity: @instructor I )(ave one list personal question fore you! Are you Dave's fat)(er?! 38O

david: rotflmao

tereza: WHY 4R3 YOU W34R1ING PO1NTY SUNGL4SS3S 4ND WH3R3 C4N 1 G3T 4 P41R

kareem: DAVE. WE CAN SEE YOU, YOU HUMONGOUS NOOK SMEAR. YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT ROTFLYAO. YOUR A HAS NOT MOVED FROM THAT CHAIR AND YOUR FACE IS EVER FROZEN IN THAT CALCULATED INDIFFERENT EXPRESSION YOU LIKE TO PRETEND IS "COOL" RATHER THAN DEPRESSINGLY DULL.

instructor: <david> _You weren't kidding about this one, hot damn._

instructor: @felicity - Obviously Dave is my younger sibling, otherwise he would have inherited my good looks. @kareem (Karkat) - Please use private messages to char my little bro with all these sick fires.

david: <instructor> _isnt he adorable_

instructor: <david> _Sure, in a bite-your-head-off kind of way._

kanya: Nevermind I Figured It Out

david: <instructor> _can we keep him_

instructor: <david> _Hmm, I don't know. Pets are a big committment._

john: @david i didn't know your brother was a teacher! 

david: <john> _neither did i_

john: <david> _really? :/_

instructor: @john - That's probably because I wasn't one, until today.

kareem: NOT BAD FOR A FIRST DAY. YOU TOOK AN EDUCATIONAL PLATFORM AND TURNED IT INTO THE RAINBOW RUMPUS PARTYTOWN FOR ASSHOLES AND THE DIFFERENTLY ABLED.

john: heheheh

instructor: <david> _Fine, you can keep him. But he sleeps in your room and you're the one who has to feed him and pick up his poop._

ramsey: I lIkE tHiS sYsTeM. EvErYoNe AlL uP aNd GaThErEd In OnE vIrTuAl SpAcE. 

david: <instructor> _you drive a tough bargain_

ramsey: MaKeS a BrOtHeR fEeL lIkE gEtTiNg HiS sPiRiTuAl On.

pollux: @instructor what are your qualifications to teach this class?

instructor: My background is in robotics, which involves a lot of programming. I'm currently doing a PhD on artificial intelligence.

david: <instructor> _WHAT_

ramsey: CaSh In On SoMe WiCkEd MyStIcAl CoMmUnIoN wItH tHeSe FiNe MoThErFuCkErS.

david: <instructor> _but you dropped out of high school_

zack: @instructor D --> Would you mind taking a 100k at my roboti% projects

david: <instructor> _didnt you live on the streets???_

instructor: <david> _It's a long story._

zack: D --> Althought they are rather crude and unworthy of your time, for I am a mare beginner

instructor: @zack - Send me a private message about that and we will discuss it.

instructor: <david> _Are all of your classmates this entertaining?_

david: <instructor> _who the fuck ARE you_

david: <instructor> _im so fucking confused_

instructor: <david> _Calm down, lil' bro. We'll talk after school._

instructor: @ramsey - School rules still apply in this holy virtual space my friend.

ramsey: RiGhT oN, mY bRoThEr.

zack: @ramsey D --> He means you should restrain your 100d language

tereza: 1 THOUGHT H3 W4S D4V3'S BROTH3R >:?

kareem: TEREZI PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING. YOU NEED TO STOP HANGING OUT WITH THE CLOWN, WHAT VILE SUBSTANCE HAS YOUR SPONGE BEEN SOAKING UP?

tereza: 1T W4S 4 JOK3

felicity: @kareem You're t)(e one w)(o's t)(ree s)(eets to the wind!

david: whos the clown

kareem: GAMZEE.

pollux: he mean2 ramsey

pollux: *means

arcadia: l0l

pollux: dammit

sheridan: @kareem do you havve nicknames for evverybody

john: everyone except me :c

felicity: w)(at's mine? 38D

david: pollux dont hurt yourself trying to fix your quirk dude we all know who you are nobody cares

pollux: fiine, you wiin. a22hole.

zack: D --> Why must you filthy foreigners use such disgraceful language.

pollux: why must YOU be 2uch a gro22 racii2t douche.

instructor: Keep it above the belt, children.

kareem: THIS IS ASININE. HAS IT FAILED TO OCCUR TO ANY OF YOU THAT WE HAVE GOTTEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR? HALF THE CLASS IS CHECKING THEIR FACEBOOK WHILE KANAYA STILL STRUGGLES TO USE HER MOUSE.

kanya: I Am Getting Better At It

***nikeeta :33 < nik33ta nods furryously***

nikeeta: :33 < oh this doesnt look right

zack: @kareem D --> I didn't know you felt so STRONGLY about computer science

nikeeta: :33 < how do i get rid of the first "nikeeta" there

***nikeeta :33 < nik33ta growls at the impawstor***

instructor: Do you have any more questions or can we get started?

david: <instructor> _i have a fuckload but theyll wait till we get home i guess_

tereza: NO FURTH3R QU3ST1ONS YOUR HONOR

instructor: Great! Let's get started on our first class test. I want you all to go to http://www.skills-assessment.net/home/frmIndex.aspx?e=25 and complete the questionnaire. You have 20 minutes.

kareem: WHAT.

felicity: )(ey! 38C

john: bluh

mariska: Yeeeeeeeeah I don't think I like you anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formatting this was an absolute nightmare so if you spot any mistakes, please let me know!


	16. Day 10 (Wednesday, Late Afternoon): Responsibilities

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: I need to talk to you.  
TG: can it wait? im @ work  
TT: No, because I need you to be sober for this conversation.  
TG: :c  
TG: r u gonna lecture me about my drinkin  
TT: That is one of the things I was planning to do, yes.  
TG: its not like im gettin drunk every night  
TT: No... Not the ones where you have to work overtime, I imagine.  
TG: :c  
TG: im just really lonely here  
TG: i dont know anybody all i do is work  
TG: and rosie wont speak to me  
TT: Did you know that your drinking is hurting your daughter? She is worried that you can't look after her, or yourself.  
TG: did she tell u that  
TT: No. I read Dave's chat logs.  
TG: ungh  
TG: dont make me talk abt this now i dont wanna cry @ work  
TG: i still got stuff to do here  
TG: big responsibilities n all  
TT: Alright I'll let you do your grownup stuff but message me as soon as you get home, ok? We'll talk about our respective fuck-ups and brainstorm ways to fix them. I'm gonna need your help too. Alright?  
TG: fiiine  
TT: Don't make me wait too long, ok? I gotta have a talk with Dave when he gets home and i'm not looking forward to it.  
TG: now u no how i feel :P  
TT: I'm counting on you, Rox.  
TG: i miss u  
TT: Miss you too, babe.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG: le siiiign.  



	17. Day 10 (Wednesday, Evening): Awkward

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Hey. Where are you? Dinner's getting cold.  
TG: john invited me over were having pizza  
TG: i should have told you  
TG: sorry  
TT: What time do you think you'll get home?  
TG: uh actually i was thinking of sleeping over at johns tonight  
TG: is that cool  
TT: It's a school night, are you sure his parents are ok with it?  
TG: his dad is away on business but john says hes allowed to have people over  
TT: Any other adults present?  
TG: um  
TG: john says a maid will be there in the morning  
TT: So none at the moment.  
TG: no but were 15 its not like we need a babysitter  
TT: ...  
TT: Alright.  
TG: so thats a yes?  
TT: Yes, you can spend the night. Do you need me to give you the sex talk?  
TG: oh god  
TG: please dont  
TT: There's no need to get embarassed. I just want to make sure you and John are safe.  
TG: were just friends!  
TG: id tell you if i was dating somebody  
TT: Would you?  
TG: well i would if you asked  
TT: Then I'll ask. Are you dating anybody?  
TG: no  
TT: Ever hooked up with anyone?  
TG: none of your business!  
TT: I imagine that's a no.  
TG: look were just two dudes getting ready for a night of videogames and no-homo broship  
TG: quit trying to make it awkward  
TT: No, I get it. You're just friends.  
TT: Just two 15-year-old virgin boys having a sleepover without adult supervision.  
TG: what are you getting at  
TT: Friends experiment.  
TG: ah  
TG: i dont think john is the type to uh  
TG: you know what this is ridiculous  
TG: gimme one sec ill ask him directly  
TG: haha yeah i thought so  
TG: he says hes "not a homosexual" and that you have nothing to worry about  
TG: and now his face is so red, his green shirt makes him look like a christmas ornament  
TG: so i guess thanks for the entertainment  
TT: Ok then. Enjoy your no-homo game night. Just remember that when you do need advice, my door is open.  
TG: you should probably close it before child services shows up again and sees something inappropriate poking out of your bedroom  
TG: ...  
TG: it was a joke  
TG: bro?  
TT: I'm here, yeah. Sorry about that. So when do you plan on coming by?  
TG: huh?  
TT: Don't you need to pick up some clothes and a toothbrush and shit?  
TG: oh thats alright johns gonna lend me some  
TT: Are you sure? You would be more comfortable in your own clothes. It would also give us a chance to talk. You wanted to ask me questions, didn't you?  
TG: yeah uh  
TG: maybe some other time  
TT: What's the matter? I thought you wanted to hear how I managed to get into college without our family's support.  
TG: yeah im sure theres a really neat story behind that  
TT: Not really.  
TG: but im not sure if im ready to  
TG: i mean i dont know if i really want to know how youve been spending all this time  
TG: um  
TG: i mean  
TG: shit  
TG: now i feel like an asshole  
TT: No, it's ok. I get it. I wasn't sure if i should to talk about it either.  
TT: Maybe it's better to just kind of...  
TG: ignore it?  
TT: I was going to say "move forward".  
TG: yeah  
TG: maybe  
TT: You sure you don't want to come get your stuff? I could drive you back.  
TG: nah  
TG: im good  
TT: Ok then. Have fun. Call me if there's anything.  
TG: yeah  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\------------------------------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT1] began pestering tentacleTherapist[TT2]

TT1: Sup cuz.  
TT2: Hello Dirk. To what do I owe the pleasure?  
TT1: Is your mother home?  
TT2: I am under strict instructions to tell you that she is not.  
TT1: ...Right. On a scale of one to ten, how plastered is she?  
TT2: She keeps repeating the word "bazooka" and giggling.  
TT1: Ok. That's not so terrible.  
TT2: No. We still have a good hour or two before the sobbing starts. Shall I tell her you tried reaching her?  
TT1: There's no need. She's avoiding me on purpose.  
TT2: Color me intrigued.  
TT1: How are you holding up?  
TT2: A deft subject change. Unfortunately I'd rather not discuss my internal states at the moment.  
TT1: Ha  
TT1: Hahaha  
TT1: We really are the most emotionally constipated family there ever was.  
TT2: If only prunes sufficed.  
TT1: Indeed.  
TT2: Is David giving you trouble?  
TT1: The kid is a goddamn angel compared to when I was his age.  
TT2: If you're looking for a way to bond with him, just get him talking about Karkat.  
TT1: Thanks, but it's a little more complicated than that.  
TT2: Whatever it is, I'm sure a dash of Karkat will help. It's the magic ingredient these days.  
TT1: I'll keep that in mind.  
TT1: Hey, do you have an orange pen or marker?  
TT2: Let me check...  
TT2: Would a color pencil do?  
TT1: Sure.  
TT2: Are we writing my mother a note?  
TT1: And pinning it to the fridge, if you don't mind.  
TT2: What should I write?  
TT1: 3  
TT2: You just want me to write the number three?  
TT1: That's right.  
TT2: Wow, Dave was right. You are one cryptic motherfucker.  
TT1: So I'm told.  


tentacleTherapist[TT2] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT1]


	18. Day 11 (Thursday, Evening): Zombies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: depression and reference to past physical abuse / child abuse.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: sup cuz  
TT: Must you Striders always begin conversations this way?  
TG: havent seen you online in a while  
TT: Through no fault of my own.  
TG: yeah i know my computer was messed up for a little while and yesterday i slept at johns  
TT: I take it your friendship is progressing in a satisfactory manner.  
TG: yeah hes pretty cool as far as huge dorks go  
TG: abysmal taste in movies notwithstanding  
TG: also his house is basically a palace filled with videogames and cakes  
TG: i ate so much cake  
TT: That's great.  
TG: we played some games online with sollux and karkat  
TG: theyre kind of hilarious when theyre playing together  
TG: sollux tries to be all tactical but then karkat just barges in all leeroy jenkins style so john and i reap the all spoils while theyre busy insulting each other  
TT: You don't say.  
TG: they come up with the most ingenious insults  
TG: i guess theyre the kind of best friends who pretend to hate each others guts or something idk how it works  
TG: but it turns out john has known them since they were kids  
TG: they all went to this fancy elementary school for rich brats  
TG: apparently karkat got kicked out when he started acting weird in the fifth grade  
TG: then sollux started acting out and they kicked him out a short time later  
TG: john says they were homeschooled together after that  
TG: until now i guess  
TG: rose?  
TT: What?  
TG: making sure youre still there  
TT: I am.  
TG: everything ok? youre pretty quiet today  
TT: Sorry, did you need me to keep punctuating your monologue with "hm-hm"s and "I see"s? There are only so many things I can say about these people I don't know.  
TG: if youre so bored with my stories why dont you offer up some of your own  
TT: Oh I don't know, maybe because I was never invited to?  
TG: yikes  
TG: careful with those claws  
TG: youll have sombodys eye out  
TT: When was the last time you asked me how my day went, or whether I'd met anyone new at school?  
TG: i dont recall you ever needing me to  
TG: whats going on  
TT: All you ever do is talk about how weird Karkat is or complain about your brother's clumsy efforts to take care of you.  
TG: you never seemed to mind before  
TT: Maybe I'm tired of the conversation always being about you.  
TG: hey i cant help it if im such a fascinating topic  
TG: im joking! dont leave  
TG: you obviously feel like crap im not sure what im supposed to say  
TG: you know i care about you  
TT: Do I?  
TG: youre kidding right  
TG: are you seriously fishing for reassurance right now  
TG: youre my best fucking friend how do you not know that  
TT: It seems to me that you have plenty of new candidates for the role.  
TG: ok this is bullshit  
TG: youre the one who introduced me to john  
TT: I know.  
TG: he only started hanging out with me because YOU asked him to  
TT: I didn't think you knew about that...  
TG: the guy cant keep a secret for shit  
TG: look you obviously wanted me to make new friends  
TG: so here i am telling you about my new friends and youre acting all annoyed  
TT: I suppose I feel a bit left out.  
TG: why dont you tell me what is really going on  
TG: is it your mom  
TT: It is, and it isn't.  
TG: do you not have any frends in ny  
TG: are your classmates being shitheads do you need me to go knock some sense into them  
TT: I don't have any classmates.  
TG: what do you mean  
TT: Like your new gaming buddies, I am homeschooled.  
TT: We live in the middle of nowhere. School buses do not typically traverse the woods to collect children in remote observatories.  
TG: why doesnt your mom drive you  
TT: Because she's either at work or hungover around that time.  
TG: that is so much bullshit  
TT: The company she works for is providing me with a private teacher. It was one of the perks of her transfer, along with the huge pay raise.  
TT: My mom kept it a surprise, it seems she sincerely thought I would like it. My getting upset over it sent her back into her "I'm a terrible mother because I gave birth at 19" depression.  
TT: Honestly if she weren't so convinced of her total lack of parenting skills she might develop some.  
TG: you think thats what got her drinking again?  
TT: I don't think that's the whole reason. She's not allowed to talk about her new job, but whatever she does... It doesn't seem to sit right with her. She comes back completely defeated and goes straight for the liquor.  
TT: It just adds to the feeling that this place is our new prison. We've been here for three months and I can count the number of times we've left the woods on one hand.  
TG: she leaves to go to work though  
TT: Didn't I tell you about the creepy research facility next door?  
TG: dont you live in the middle of the woods?  
TT: We do. There's our house, which is built atop a river and has an observatory tower for some reason, and then there's the lab itself, this huge gloomy structure which also overhangs the river. There are no roads leading to it - only dirt paths in the forest. I still haven't seen any employees leave the building. How suspicious is that?  
TG: holy shit your mom works for umbrella corporation  
TG: no wonder shes fucking depressed  
TT: So you can see how the ambience would take its toll after a while.  
TG: no kidding  
TG: you should be making preparations to deal with the zombie hordes  
TT: Let's hope their skulls are soft enough to be punctured with knitting needles.  
TG: jesus christ no wonder youve been stressed  
TT: I shouldn't have taken it out on you, though. I'm sorry.  
TG: dont worry about it  
TT: You're the last person I should be lashing out against. You're one of the few sources of stability in my life.  
TG: same  
TG: i dont know how i would have coped if you hadnt been around when everything went to shit  
TT: Which time?  
TG: haha  
TT: Remember when we first started exchanging letters?  
TG: duh  
TG: snail mail was a pain in the ass  
TT: Sometimes I miss those days.  
TG: i dont  
TG: i had to ride my bike to the post office and buy the stupid stamps  
TG: where do you think trailer trash kids find change  
TT: The sidewalk? Wishing wells? Mugging the homeless?  
TG: at first i stole my dads empty beer bottles so i could return them and use the change  
TG: then once he realized there were bottles disappearing he started accusing me of drinking them  
TT: Too drunk to keep track of how many he's had? Sounds like someone I know.  
TG: he said next time he caught me with one of his bottles he was gonna stick it up my ass  
TG: i never touched another one after that  
TT: I sure hope that was an empty threat!  
TG: have you met my dad  
TG: he doesnt make empty threats  
TT: I'm sorry.  
TG: have you ever been spanked with a beer bottle  
TG: i have  
TG: these things can take a lot of damage  
TG: more than my ass can thats for sure  
TT: Okay stop, you've made your point.  
TG: caught a blow to the head once  
TG: hit me right on my temple  
TT: Dave please stop  
TG: i went straight down  
TG: bottle didnt have a scratch  
TT: You're making me cry  
TG: theres nothing to be nostagic about  
TG: every day we get a little older and we gain just a little bit more control over our lives  
TG: which means we have just a little bit less bullshit to put up with  
TG: one day you wont have to worry about your mom drinking herself to oblivion and i wont have to worry about child services removing me from the only family ive ever wanted  
TT: I wanted to live with you so badly.  
TT: It's stupid but I thought...  
TT: When I learned you would be moving to Washington I thought you and Dirk would move into our house and we would   
TT: We could form something resembling a real family  
TT: Then my mom wouldn't be so lonely and miserable all the time  
TT: And I would have my best friend with me  
TT: We'd be like brother and sister and I would show you my school and the city and you would meet my friends  
TT: Instead I'm stuck all the way out here and you're hanging out with them without me.  
TT: It sucks.  
TG: im sorry you had to move before i even got here  
TT: I'm sorry for getting all jealous because you got to hang out with John.  
TT: And he got to hang out with you.  
TT: And you had too much fun to sign onto Pesterchum.  
TG: im really sorry about that  
TG: i didnt know you were going through a rough time  
TG: i wouldve been there for you every night i swear  
TT: I know.  
TG: you should have said something  
TT: I didn't want to burden you with it.  
TT: You were just starting to get your shit together.  
TG: what! my shit is bundled up so tight i could slap an address on it and mail it to my mom  
TG: if i knew where she lived  
TG: fuck im not helping am i  
TG: let me call you  
TT: Can't.  
TT: I hate it here. I just want to go home.  
TG: i wish you were here too  
TG: why arent you picking up  
TT: Cause I'm crying like an idiot and I don't want you to hear that.  
TG: rose youll always be like a sister to me  
TG: please dont cry its gonna make me cry  
TG: come on you know my coolkid image cant take that  
TG: what will the fans say rose think of the fans  
TT: Blegh. Trying to stop.  
TT: I hate crying. Now I have a headache and my nose is all stuffy.  
TG: i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better  
TT: Just  
TT: Tell me about your stupid boy shenanigans.  
TT: But not about John. That just makes me miss him.  
TT: Tell me about Karkat. His special brand of crazy is actually kind of refreshing.  
TG: you literally just got done chewing me out for talking about him too much  
TT: I was being a bitch.  
TG: i dont know if i have any new stories to tell in any case  
TT: Come on, I'm sure you can think of something.  
TG: oh i know  
TG: wanna play a game?  
TG: its called spot the alien  


turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file bunchaweirdoes.jpg

TT: What am I looking at, here?  
TG: a photo i took during computer science class  
TT: Why is Dirk there?  
TG: hes our teacher  
TG: i knew you wouldnt believe that without photographic evidence  
TT: I'm still going to run it by a Photoshop expert.  
TG: come on, guess  
TG: which one do you think is karkat  
TT: Is he the skinny guy with the mismatched eyes who's snarling at the camera?  
TG: no thats sollux  
TG: i mean pollux  
TG: sollux is what karkat calls him he has a habit of deforming everyones names  
TT: What does he call you?  
TG: usually bulgesniffing fuckmuffin or something along those lines  
TG: im a special case  
TT: Aren't you lucky!  
TG: youve got two more guesses  
TT: Well, seeing as the other two males in this picture are my older cousin and a boy I've known for many years, I'll say it's the one with messy hair and a scowl. He's shorter than I had imagined.  
TG: yeah hes not exactly what comes to mind when you think of a big fierce troll is he  
TT: He looks more like a kitten whose nap just got rudely interrupted.  
TG: the grumpy kitty look is his most dangerous weapon  
TG: opponents just keel over from the cuteness  
TT: Speaking of which...  
TT: Who's the girl who looks like Mellisa Clarke?  
TG: had to google the name  
TG: i guess you mean kanya  
TG: that girl is more computer-illiterate than all of our grandmas  
TT: I don't understand how Karkat can hold so much of your attention when you have such a pretty girl in your class.  
TG: meh  
TG: im not into goths  
TG: youd probably like her though she speaks like a book  
TT: You have to admit this style looks flattering on her.  
TG: if youre into vampires, sure  
TT: If you boys can't appreciate her properly, maybe I'll swoop in and steal her for myself.  
TG: youre into women now?  
TT: Not usually.  
TG: ...but?  
TT: There's a reason vampire themes are prevalent in young adult erotica.  
TG: this has been by FAR the weirdest conversation weve ever had  
TT: Haha, it has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.  
TG: speaking of weird  
TG: bro just asked me to ask you to switch the 3 to a 2  
TG: does this make sense to you because to me its just the usual bunch of question marks getting tangled like a pile of hangers  
TT: Oh my god. Yes, I think it does.  
TT: David! Are you seeing your psychologist this Sunday?  
TG: i hate how you start calling me that when you get excited  
TG: yes im still seeing her  
TG: why  
TT: I have to go. I have a plan to hatch!  


tentacleTherapist is now an idle chum!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occured to me after writing this that Texas doesn't have a bottle bill. Oops.


	19. Day 12 (Friday, Evening): Zoo

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: ready two talk now?  
TA: fiine.  
TA: let me know when you deciide two 2top beiing a biig baby.

twinArmageddons is now an idle chum!

\------------------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: STRIDER.  
TG: yes honey  
CG: ...WHAT.  
TG: i dont know dude  
TG: youre the one who pestered me  
CG: OK, FIRST, I DID NOT "PESTER" YOU, BECAUSE PESTERCHUM IS A CRAP SANDWICH AT A THREE-NIGHTS-OLD BUFFET.  
TG: i bet you only use trollian because it has troll in the name  
CG: I USE IT BECAUSE IT'S SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY.  
CG: AND BECAUSE IT HAS TROLL IN IT. SO SUE ME.  
TG: is suing people a thing even in alien culture  
CG: ASK A LEGISLACERATOR.  
TG: i think ill pass  
TG: the name makes it sound about as fun as snuggling with crocodiles  
CG: I'LL ASSUME THOSE ARE EITHER EXCRUTIATINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE OBJECTS OR SOME KIND TERRIBLE EARTH BEASTS.  
TG: how do you not know what a crocodile is  
CG: DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERY HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED CREATURE ON THIS LUMP OF TURD YOU CALL A PLANET?  
TG: bro  
TG: we need to take you to a zoo  
CG: A WHAT.  
TG: a park for animal-viewing  
CG: I KNOW WHAT A ZOO IS, YOU POMPOUS MESS OF A SHITBOMB CLUSTERFUCK.  
TG: nice  
CG: ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT ON A DATE???  
TG: ha  
TG: shit lets do it  
TG: its gonna be the most ironically bromantic outing  
TG: you can marvel at the anatomical diversity all these mysterious earth beasts  
TG: and i can marvel at all the weird names you give them  
CG: WHICH QUADRANT?  
TG: which what  
CG: YOU BEGIN THE CONVERSATION BY INSULTING ME, THEN YOU MENTION SNUGGLING, THEN YOU SUGGEST AN OUTING TO AN ARCHETYPAL FLUSH DATING SPOT. ARE YOU GOING TO FLIP ASHEN FOR ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?  
TG: yeah i have no idea what that means  
TG: how did i insult you  
CG: ARE YOU TOO PAN-RATTLED TO REMEMBER AND TOO LAZY TO SCROLL UP? YOU FUCKING CALLED ME *HONEY*.  
TG: oh that  
TG: i was just messing with you  
TG: and honeys not an insult its a term of endearment  
CG: MIND HONEY IS A VILE SUBSTANCE THAT SHOULD NEVER GO NEAR ANYONE'S SMACK FLAPS!  
TG: i guess it is technically bee puke  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT AND YOU STILL INGEST IT?!  
TG: humans will do anything for something sweet man  
TG: havent you ever seen a klondike commercial  
CG: I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF IT WAS THE CAUSE OF SOLLUX'S AMNESIA. PSIONICS ARE ESPECIALLY SENSITIVE TO SUGAR.  
TG: sollux has amnesia?  
CG: MOST OF US DO.  
TG: whos "us"  
CG: TROLLS.

\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: im ready to talk


	20. Day 12 (Friday, Evening): Voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minutes in the past, but not many...

apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

AA: are the v0ices b0thering y0u  
TA: a liittle. not a2 much a2 you, ii iimagiine.  
AA: full m00n t0m0rr0w  
TA: ii fiigured.  
AA: wanna get t0gether and watch m0vies all night  
TA: miight a2 well 2iince were not gonna get any 2leep.  
AA: d0 y0u want me t0 ask j0hn if we can have m0vie night at his place  
TA: no way, hii2 moviie2 all 2uck. a giiant turd ii2 2tiil a giiant turd even iif you watch iit wiith a fancy projector.  
AA: what if i rent a c0uple 0f h00r0r films  
TA: 2old. tell hiim iill briing the popcorn.  
AA: 0u0

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

\------------------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: I THINK DAVE JUST ASKED ME ON A DATE.  
TA: you thiink?  
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE? HE MENTIONNED GOING TO THE ZOO.  
TA: that doe2 2ound liike a date-liike actiiviity.  
CG: IN AN IRONICALLY BROMANTIC WAY.  
TA: ...oh.  
CG: WHY, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IS IT BAD?  
CG: WAS THAT FUCKER JOKING?  
CG: I MEAN OBVIOUSLY HE'S ALWAYS JOKING. I JUST CAN'T TELL IF IT'S THE KIND OF JOKING PEOPLE USE TO BLUNT THE EDGE OFF OF WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN TO SAY, OR IF HE'S JUST BEING A SARCARCASTIC DOUCHE CANOE BECAUSE HE'S GUNNING FOR THE GLITTER NUGGET IN SOME PANGALACTIC CONTEST FOR THE TITLE OF MOST INSUFFERABLE.  
TA: diid he tell you iif he2, uh. iinto guy2.  
CG: I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN.  
TA: do you thiink he2 attracted to you, like. phy2iically.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW. HE KEEPS FLIRTING BUT I CAN'T TELL WHAT ANY OF IT MEANS, IF IT EVEN HAS MEANING AT ALL.  
TA: well. are you iintere2ted?  
CG: I'M NOT SURE. BUT. THE THING IS.  
TA: whiich quadrant?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW! HE JUST GETS UNDER MY SKIN.  
CG: I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME.

\------------------------------------------------------------

TG: im ready to talk

\------------------------------------------------------------

TA: do you want me to a2k hiim?  
CG: NO. THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING.  
TA: he ju2t pe2tered me.  
CG: WHAT! WHY?  
TA: two talk about you, obviiou2ly.  
CG: OH.  
TA: are you talkiing two hiim two?  
CG: I WAS, BUT. HE HASN'T REPLIED SINCE I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOU BEING A TROLL.  
CG: SHIT, WHAT IF HE WAS ONLY INTERESTED IN ME BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS ONE OF A KIND.  
TA: you are one of a kiind, iidiiot.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WHAT IF HE WAS ONLY TALKING TO ME BECAUSE HE'S CURIOUS ABOUT ALIENS, AND NOW THAT HE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE OTHERS...  
TA: then he2 an a22hole and he doe2nt de2erve your attentiion.  
CG: AW.  
CG: FINE. YOU CAN TALK TO HIM. I'LL JUST... GO CHECK ON MY LUSUS OR SOMETHING.  
TA: wanna make iit a group chat?  
CG: ...MAYBE LATER.

\------------------------------------------------------------

CG: DAVE. I NEED TO GO FEED MY LUSUS.  
TG: right  
TG: see you later bro  
CG: UM. YEAH.

carcinoGeneticist is now offline!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for teasing you with these really short chapters! I promise Dave and Sollux will get their talk next time ; )


	21. Day 12 (Friday, Evening): Memories

TA: alriight. let2 talk.  
TG: i hear youve been friends with karkles since you two were sperms in your daddies testes  
TG: whats his deal  
TA: ...karkle2?  
TG: i dunno man  
TG: tereza calls him that  
TG: its cute  
TA: do you thiink karkat ii2 "cute"?  
TG: what does that have to do with anything  
TA: 2hee2h, ii wa2 ju2t a2kiing. no need two get defen2iive!  
TG: im totally chill bro who do you think youre talking to here  
TG: penguins ring me up constantly like yo were running low on chill can we borrow some of yours  
TG: and i have to tell them sorry that shits in high demand im gonna have to put you on a waiting list  
TG: break their little penguin hearts  
TG: petas on my ass like you wouldnt believe  
TA: oh my god. ii dont know why KK even put2 up wiith you.  
TA: do you ever lii2ten two your2elf?  
TG: honestly?  
TG: i tend to drift in and out  
TA: ju2t tell me what you want two know.  
TG: ok  
TG: why does he think hes a troll  
TG: why does he think youre a troll  
TG: do YOU think youre a troll  
TG: is everybody a fucking troll except me  
TG: are you all part of some secret society  
TG: does it involve sacrificing virgins because for the record im nowhere near pure enough for whatever rituals you have in mind  
TA: ii2 that all?  
TG: what happened in 5th grade why did he suddenly switch to this alternate persona  
TG: or alternian i guess  
TG: is alternia the mystical planet for people with multiple personalities or something  
TG: is that what he has, some kind of fight club thing  
TG: does he ever go back to being kareem  
TA: ...  
TA: anythiing el2e?  
TG: well  
TG: the fight club thing was a joke but i heard his dad and the principal arguing about karkats "disorder"  
TG: so i guess  
TG: ive been wondering what he was diagnosed with  
TG: but if thats too personal and he doesnt want people to know i can respect that  
TA: what would you do iif you knew?  
TG: look it up on wikipedia for starters  
TG: see if i can find ways to help  
TA: do you liike karkat?  
TG: whats that supposed to mean  
TG: i dont dislike him...?  
TA: do you thiink you would 2tiil liike hiim iif he "went back two normal"?  
TG: probably  
TG: why  
TA: youve never met "kareem". the one john and ii grew up wiith.  
TA: he wa2 a quiiet kiid. people u2ed two tea2e hiim becau2e he kept two hiim2elf mo2t of the tiime.  
TG: karkat used to be shy?  
TA: ii wouldnt 2ay 2hy. depre22ed, maybe, iif you can iimagiine a depre22ed fourth-grader.  
TG: sure thats easy  
TG: 4th grade sucked  
TA: the adult2 we knew back then di2agree wiith me on thii2. iim ju2t giiviing you my per2pectiive on what happened.  
TG: gotcha  
TA: they thiink he changed 2uddenly, but ii dont thiink 2o. iit wa2 more gradual than they know. ii thiink he wa2 alway2 thiinkiing of alterniia.   
TG: thats real deep bro  
TA: 2hut up and lii2ten.  
TG: im clamming up so tight  
TA: we werent friiend2 at fir2t. we werent even iin the 2ame cla22. ii ju2t heard 2ome giirl2 makiing fun of hiim duriing rece22 and ii 2tarted yelliing at them. then KK 2tarted yelliing al2o, and the giirl2 ran cryiing two a teacher. 2tupiid biitche2.  
TG: sounds familiar  
TA: anyway2, we all got iin trouble, whatever. after that KK ju2t 2tarted followiing me around. the 2ummer between fourth and fiifth grade, he 2tarted telliing me about our liive2 on alterniia. ii diidn't take iit 2eriiou2ly, ii ju2t thought we were playiing. pretendiing two be aliien2.  
TA: that2 when we 2tarted calliing each other karkat and 2ollux. we made our famiiliie2 play along. KK got really loud and bo22y. he kept 2hootiing down my iidea2 but he wa2 haviing 2o much fun, ii ended up lettiing my2elf get bo22ed around.  
TA: when 2chool 2tarted agaiin and the game diidnt 2top, ii realiized iit wa2nt a game two hiim. iit wa2 more liike he wa2 fiinally comiing out a2 a troll. and iit made hiim happy. iit wa2 2o iimportant two hiim, and ii diidnt want two diisappoiint hiim. 2o ii kept playiing along, a2 a troll turned human whod lo2t mo2t of hii2 memoriie2.  
TG: and they kicked you out of school just for that?  
TA: ye2 and no. KK kept cau2iing iinterruptiion2 iin cla22 and the teacher2 got up2et about that. they got hii2 dad iinvolved, iim not 2ure what happened there but apparently iit wa2nt pretty. KK 2tarted 2neakiing out of hii2 hou2e all the tiime, he practiically moved iin wiith me.  
TG: and your parents didnt care?  
TA: were a fo2ter famiily. what2 one more kiid around the table?  
TG: ah  
TG: didnt know that  
TA: and my brother miitch ha2 tetrapare2ii2 2o feediing hiim and 2tuff take2 up mo2t of theiir tiime and attentiion.  
TG: guess i should get on your good side in case i end up moving in  
TA: what?  
TG: nothing  
TG: just talking to myself  
TA: well 2top. do you want two hear thii2 2tory or not?  
TG: yeah man im dying to know if the princess and the prince get together in the end  
TG: do they have children or not i cant remember how this goes  
TA: they u2e biirth control liike rea2onable adult2.  
TA: welcome two the 212t century.  
TG: the what  
TG: oh  
TG: damn your typing quirk is annoying  
TA: fuck you two.  
TA: 2o two make a long 2tory 2hort the teacher2 were alway2 on our ca2e and 2o were the other kiid2 and we both got 2u2pended for fiightiing. then KKs dad pulled hiim out of 2chool and my parent2 diid the 2ame after ii came home pretty beat up and we both got home2chooled wiith the re2t of my dii2abled 2iibliing2.  
TA: and now ii have two take a pii22.

twinArmageddons is now an idle chum!

TA: alright iim back  
TA: do you beliieve iin god?  
TG: no  
TG: why, did one make an appearance while you were on the can  
TA: what about gho2t2? 2piiriit2?  
TA: the notiion that the body ii2 2eparate from the iimmortal 2oul?  
TG: not really  
TG: never had a reason to  
TA: ah fuck now the phone2 riingiing  
TA: hang on  
TG: aw baby dont leave me again  
TG: ill change

twinArmageddons is now an idle chum!

TA: iim back  
TG: i missed you so much  
TA: you need two get your head examiined.  
TG: says the guy who pretends to be a troll  
TA: ii dont pretend two be anythiing, and your attempt2 at trolliing are a2 pathetiic a2 your giiant bug-eye 2hade2.  
TG: dude you did NOT just diss the shades  
TA: you look liike ben 2tiiller iin 2tar2ky & hutch  
TG: your point being?  
TA: nothiing, man. iif you get off on knowiing that your eyewear probably touched hii2 weird, 2ort of gaunt face at 2ome poiint, that2 your thiing.  
TG: damn straight  
TG: lets go back to the epic saga of your and karkats childhoods  
TG: did the anecdotes and existential questions have a point  
TA: the poiint ii2, there mu2t be biilliion2 of potentiially liife-2u2taiiniing cele2tiial bodiie2 iin the uniiver2e. iit ii2nt 2o diifiicult two accept that troll2 would have liived on a planet named alterniia at 2ome poiint.  
TA: karkat2 "delu2iion2", a2 the p2ychiiatrii2t termed them, are remarkably coherent and con2ii2tent.  
TA: you could quiizz hiim on miinute detaiil2 concerniing liife and culture on alterniia, YEAR2 after he even mentiioned them, and he would giive you the 2ame an2wer2 wiithout faiil. ii beliieve hii2 memoriie2 are real.  
TG: the guy thinks he has horns and fangs  
TA: and gray 2kiin, pupatiion 2car2 and hemolymph.  
TG: things we can clearly see are not there  
TA: not riight now, no.  
TG: and you believe he what  
TG: turned into a human somehow?  
TA: ii beliieve iin liife after death and reiincarnatiion  
TG: o...kay?  
TA: ii thiink karkat ha2 vivid memoriie2 of a pa2t liife iin whiich he wa2 a troll.  
TA: a liife whiich wa2 liikely cut brutally 2hort due two the har2hne22 of alterniian culture.  
TA: and ii have rea2on two thiink that ii wa2 pre2ent when iit happened.  
TG: thats all beginning to sound a little too esoteric for me bro  
TA: ii thought 2o. ii wouldnt beliieve iit eiither iif iit werent for the voiice2.  
TG: youre hearing voices?  
TG: buddy you might want to get that checked out  
TA: iive been communiicatiing wiith the dead 2iince ii wa2 fiive.  
TA: iim not the only one who can.  
TG: yeeeah  
TG: thats a lot of disbelief youre asking me to suspend here  
TG: im not sure the clothesline will hold  
TA: iim not a2kiing you two do anythiing. you a2ked me que2tiion2 and ii an2wered. ii told you thii2 wa2 only my take on iit. other people have diifferent opiiniion2.  
TG: alright  
TG: what does the medical profession have to say about this  
TA: iim not 2ure ii 2hould tell you.  
TG: why not  
TA: you miight 2tart two treat hiim diifferently.  
TG: oh dont worry about that  
TG: being an obnoxious douche is my default  
TA: iif youre aware of that, do 2omethiing about iit! iidiiot.  
TG: pan-rotten nookfest  
TA: nub2lurpiing fuckpod  
TG: taintchafing thingamajigger  
TA: 2tiiller wor2hiipper  
TG: haha  
TA: hey.  
TA: next tiime you want two talk about thii2, let2 make iit a group chat so KK can partiiciipate. ii dont liike two feel liike were 2ayiing thiing2 behiind hii2 back.  
TG: fair enough  
TA: al2o you 2hould probably a2k hiim about alterniian romance.  
TG: why would i want to do that  
TA: becau2e iit2 confu2iing a2 hell. tru2t me. iif you dont want two acciidentally a2k hiim two bear your chiildren, youll need ba2iic le22on2.  
TG: aw but some of the greatest discoveries in life are accidental  
TG: we could be starting our own hybrid freakshow  
TG: i bet the little monsters would be fucking adorable  
TA: all ii can piicture ii2 your face on 2ome kiind of gro22 bug larva, 2cuttliing around and gettiing 2liime everywhere.  
TA: ok maybe ii DO want two 2ee that ju2t for the 2quiik factor.  
TG: and im the one who supposedly has "issues"


	22. Day 13 (Saturday, Late Morning): Buttsex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I were writing for any other fandom, I would have to apologize for this chapter.

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GT: hi dave!  
GT: ...dave?  
GT: daaaaaaaave!  
TG: ugh  
TG: curse you morning bird scum and your chipper greetings  
GT: haha, were you still asleep? it's almost noon!  
TG: say what  
TG: ah fuck  
GT: weren't you complaining that your bro never lets you sleep in on saturdays?  
TG: he doesnt  
TG: somethings up  
TG: shit what if hes dead  
GT: whoa, why???  
TG: i seriously cant think of any other reason for him to let me skip training  
GT: wow. he must be really into fitness!  
GT: i guess he did seem pretty fit for a computer guy...  
TG: egbert i know you like to check out the teachers but im begging you  
GT: i wasn't checking him out! i just noticed, is all.  
TG: please dont start making googly eyes at my brother in class  
TG: i dont think i could take it  
TG: it was creepy enough seeing mariska and tereza drooling all over him  
GT: haha, you're forgetting zack!  
TG: oh god  
TG: dont remind me  
GT: hey, i'm gonna send you an invitation! just click the link, ok?

ectoBiologist invited you to join M0VIE NIGHT @ J0HN'S H0USE

TG: whos ectoBiologist  
TG: youre not going to rick roll me are you

\--------------------------------------------------------

apocalypseArisen [AA] opened memo on board M0VIE NIGHT @ J0HN'S H0USE.

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.  
TG: sup  
EB: hello again! this is john, i'm using my trollian account so we can have a group conversation.  
CG: HI.  
AA: were all g0ing t0 j0hns t0night  
GT: wanna come watch movies with us?  
CG: THE GOAL IS TO NOT SLEEP.  
TA: fiir2t one two fall a2leep get2 drawn on.  
TG: sure  
GT: awesome!  
TG: just gotta tell my bro  
TG: assuming hes still alive  
TG: brb  
AA: why w0uldnt he be  
GT: he let dave sleep in  
TA: ...ii dont get iit.  
GT: shrug.  
TG: OH HOLY FUCK i almost had a heart attack  
GT: what happened??  
TG: theres a cop in my living room i thought it was one of those cps assholes  
TA: why would cp2 be at your hou2e?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?  
TG: long story  
CG: GET OUT OF THERE YOU MORON! HIDE!!!  
TG: whoa buddy calm down  
TG: its just jake no need to burst a ventricle  
AA: wh0s jake  
TG: my bros boyfriend  
GT: your brother has a boyfriend?!?  
AA: 0_0  
TG: well i dont know  
TG: maybe theyre just butt buddies  
GT: ew.  
TG: whats the matter johnny boy  
TG: you being judgey with my bros bedroom habits  
GT: no!! it's just the way you put it!  
AA: the h0m0ph0bia is str0ng with this 0ne  
CG: THE JOHN HUMAN HAS A FEAR OF BUTTS???  
TA: hahahaha.  
GT: uh, karkat, that's not...  
TA: he2 only afraiid of butt2ex.  
GT: i am not!  
TG: rotflmao  
CG: *GROAN*. NOT THIS AGAIN.  
CG: WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY DOING ANY OF THE THINGS THE ACRONYM SUGGESTS.  
TG: no no i really am this time  
TG: i just laughed so hard my ass literally rolled right off  
TG: try not to start humping it john  
AA: y0u kn0w what they say ab0ut h0m0ph0bes  
TG: they all secretly want to grope me?  
TA: admiit iit, you want two fondle dave2 2eat cu2hiion2.  
GT: augh! i'm not interested in dave's butt!  
TA: methiink2 the lady doth prote2t too much.  
GT: you guys suck!!!  
CG: ARE YOU SAYING HUMANS HAVE SEX WITH THEIR BUTTS? AS IN. THE BUN PART???  
AA: l0l  
TA: nah man.  
TA: bulge up the fart tunnel, 2ame a2 troll2 do iit.  
GT: ewwwwwwwww!  
AA: except its n0t c0nsidered a kismesis m0ve  
CG: YOU MEAN MATESPRITS DO IT TOO?  
TA: and teenage giirl2 who want two keep calliing them2elve2 viirgiin2.  
CG: THAT'S EQUAL PART REVOLTING AND HILARIOUS.  
TG: to be fair butt buddies was the wrong term  
TG: i should have said sphincter partners  
CG: WHAT ABOUT POOP CHUTE CHUMS?  
AA: b0tt0m c0mpani0ns  
TA: a22 a22ociiate2.  
TG: anal pals  
CG: PROSTATE PLAYMATES.  
TA: hahahaha ye2.  
TG: a winner is karkat  
GT: oh my god...  
TG: now the question is   
TG: why would my bros prostate playmate be sitting on our couch and drinking coffee alone at noon on a saturday?  
AA: ...  
GT: ...  
TA: yeah, theyre boyfriiend2.  
TG: fuck it im just gonna ask him  
TG: brb  


\--------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: you bitch

tentacleTherapist is an idle chum!

TG: you knew didnt you  
TG: thats what the fucking countdown was about

\--------------------------------------------------------

TG: it turns out the boy toy is BABYSITTING me  
GT: wheres your brother? is everything ok?  
TG: that fucker left for the weekend  
TA: and he left you alone wiith hii2 boyfriiend? that2 kiind of funny.  
TG: hes in rainbow falls, new york with my aunt and cousin and didnt think to ask me if id like to tag along  
GT: he went to see rose???  


\--------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: im pissed at you btw  
TT: I'm aware.  
TG: im gonna hide all your sex toys  
TT: Suit yourself. That means you'll have to touch them.  


\--------------------------------------------------------

CG: SO YOUR LUSUS IS OFF FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS. WHO CARES, THAT'S ONE LESS MOUTH TO FEED.  
TA: iive already explaiined that here iit2 the lu2iiii who do the feediing and not the other way around.  
TG: wtf is a lusus  
TG: and im pretty sure theres some pangalactic law against using the letter i that many times in a row  
TA: iit2 a biig whiite mon2ter.  
TG: well that explains everything  
TA: and you can 2tiick your law2 up your a22 canyon along wiith your baby2iitter2 gro22 poliiceman diick.  
GT: dude!  
TG: im pretty sure bro would DECAPITATE me  


\--------------------------------------------------------

TG: youre right maybe ill touch jake instead  
TG: the friendly neighborhood strait-laced cop  
TG: corrupted by sexy jailbait  
TT: Hahahahahahaha.  
TG: wouldnt that make a nice headline  
TT: I will hang you by your testicles.  


\--------------------------------------------------------

TG: yup  
TG: very VERY bad idea  
TA: 2peakiing of decapiitatiion...  
AA: is it 0k if s0llux and i ch00se the films? 0u0  



	23. Day 13 (Saturday, Evening): Movie Night

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Yes, the number represented the remaining days before Dirk's arrival. Mom took almost as long as you to figure it out. It was quite amusing to watch her vacuum in a panic once the countdown hit zero.  
TG: wait i thought the universe was gonna implode if she ever did that  
TT: Unfortunately, it hasn't.  
TG: if you knew what it meant why didnt you tell me  
TT: I wanted to keep it a surprise.  
TG: thats the shittiest surprise ive ever received  
TG: hey dave your brothers on his way to ny, surprise! youre not invited  
TT: I also knew he wouldn't let you miss your Sunday appointment.   
TG: the doc can fucking wait  
TG: if youd said something i would have found a way to convince bro  
TT: No offense, darling. His head is much harder than yours. You might as well try to drill through diamond with apple sauce.  
TG: i wouldve hidden in the fucking trunk if i had to  
TT: You realize he came here on a plane.  
TG: suitcase then  
TG: same difference  
TT: Not according to airport security.  
TG: werent you the one crying about how much you missed me?  
TG: what happened there  
TT: You're exaggerating. I merely got a little misty-eyed.  
TT: Besides, this isn't the surprise. You'll need to wait a bit longer for it.  
TG: if its as terrible as this one ill gladly wait forever  
TG: whats he doing there anyway  
TT: At the moment? I do believe I hear him rapping.

\--------------------------------------------------

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GT: hey, did you get lost on your way to the kitchen?

ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: where are the 2nack2, grubface?

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: rapping wtf  
TG: is that what he went to ny for  
TG: i thought he was going to stage an intervention and dump all your moms booze down the toilet  
TG: or toilets i guess  
TG: how many fucking bathrooms does your place even have  
TT: Technically, there are only two, as the others do not contain bathtubs.  
TG: ridiculous  
TT: He did get rid of the booze, however. I caught him switching the contents to no-name orange soda while my mom was in the shower.  
TG: thats good i guess  
TG: that stuff tastes like shit and probably causes cancer but whatever  
TT: Or diabetes at the very least, but it's as you say. This is preferable.

\--------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: COME ON YOU HIVE-CARRYING SLIME WORM, WE'RE WAITING ON YOU TO UNPAUSE THIS MONSTROSITY. I THINK THE BLONDE WITH THE HIGH-PITCHED VOICE IS FINALLY ABOUT TO GET KILLED.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: did he wink at you when you caught him  
TT: Don't remind me! I'm still shuddering.  
TG: those are the gods punishing you for hiding shit from me  
TT: He did it really slowly, too.  
TG: he can be such a fucking creep  
TT: I didn't know one could make the gesture so unsettling.

\--------------------------------------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: arcadiia ii2 fiightiing karkat for the la2t chee2e puff2.  
TA: thii2 i2 2tartiing two look liike a black try2t, iif you dont hurry up you miight get replaced!

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: hey rose our friends keep bugging me to go watch dumb teenagers get terrorized by a serial killer  
TT: Let me guess. Movie night with John and Arcadia?  
TG: and sollux and karkat  
TT: Have fun. Enjoy the cheese and gore.  
TG: ill be back when the movies done  
TG: or when i get bored i guess  
TG: thanks, you have fun too  
TG: enjoy my brother

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: You don't ever bother reading your own words before hitting the send button, do you.


	24. Day 13 (Saturday, Night): Horror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of past abuse (physical and sexual, domestic violence and child abuse). If you're easily triggered by those themes, please skip ahead to the double line.

Day 13 (Saturday)  
  
I'm at a friend's house and I'm hiding in the bathroom. I can't stop shaking, I'm so freaked out. You'll have to forgive the handwriting.  
  
I came here to watch movies with a couple of friends. We just finished the second one so we had to take a bathroom break. I used the upstairs bathroom so I wouldn't have to wait my turn. I didn't think anyone followed me, but when I got out I saw Arcadia standing in the hall. She was kind of swaying like my dad used to when he got really drunk so I got closer and asked if everything was okay. The she gave me this creepy smile and her eyes were all empty and she said my name in this soft voice that made me think of my mother somehow, even though I can't remember what her real voice sounded like. She put her hand on my cheek like a mom would and said "you're such a big boy now". I think I just froze on the spot, I could feel my hair standing. Then she kind of just shook herself off and walked away as if nothing happened.  
  
I don't believe in ghosts but that was the freakiest thing I've ever experienced. If I hadn't just peed I think I would have wet my pants, no joke. My heart is still pounding. My mom is not dead, as far as I know. She just left with another dude when I was two and Dirk was ten. Dad says she was a junkie whore and we're better off without her. No way of knowing if that's true or not, like I said I don't really remember her. For all I know my dad probably beat her. Can't blame her for leaving him but I wish she'd taken us with her, junkie or not. She had to know the situation she was leaving us in, especially Dirk.  
  
Maybe she did die in a dirty alley somewhere and no one ever told us. It's not like I was holding out hope of ever reuniting with her anyway. I wouldn't trust myself not to spit in her face. What kind of monster would leave two boys behind with a drunk pedophile?  
  
Holy shit I can't believe I just wrote all of that. Don't count on me to repeat any of it out loud.  
  
DS

==================================================

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WHERE DID YOU RUN OFF TO? IF I NEED TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS POINTLESSLY GORY TRASH, SO DO YOU.  
TG: hiding upstairs  
TG: not from evil drones or anything so dont go flipping out on me  
TG: i just decided ive had enough horror for one night  
CG: NOT A FAN OF SCARY MOVIES?  
TG: no  
CG: YEAH, ME NEITHER. EARTH MOVIES ARE SO PREDICTABLE, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME FORMULA.  
CG: START WITH A HANDFUL OF HORMONALLY CHARGED TEENAGERS IN SOME ISOLATED HIVE IN THE WOODS. EVERYONE TAKES WAY TOO LONG TO REALIZE THAT THERE'S A ROGUE THRESHECUTIONER OR SOME DEMENTED LAUGHSASSIN ON THE LOOSE, EXCEPT THE ONE NERDY CHARACTER NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO. THE DUMBEST FEMALE GETS KILLED FIRST AFTER A CHASE DURING WHICH SHE TRIPS AND FALLS AT LEAST TWICE. THEN THERE'S A CONVENIENT RAIN STORM, THE ELECTRON FLOW GOES OUT, THE ARCHAIC TELECOMMUNICATIONS LINES ARE CUT AND OF COURSE NO ONE THOUGHT TO BRING OR CHARGE THEIR FUCKING IPHONES. SOME IDIOT GOES DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND BLOCK AND NEVER COMES BACK. OTHER CHARACTERS GO MISSING AND THEIR BODIES RESURFACE HERE AND THERE.  
TG: sounds about right  
CG: THE MAIN CHARACTER, MOST LIKELY THE ONE SINGLE VIRGIN FEMALE, GETS CHASED BY THE VILLAIN AND HIDES IN SOME TOTALLY OBVIOUS PLACE, BREATHING HEAVILY. THE KILLER KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE SHE IS BUT DECIDES TO SLOWLY PACE IN FRONT OF HER TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE FRET. IN THE END THE GIRL SURVIVES DUE TO SEVERAL CHANCE INTERRUPTIONS AND A SINGLE ACT OF HEROISM ON THE PART OF HER ROMANTIC INTEREST, WHOM SHE EITHER THOUGHT WAS DEAD OR ERRONEOUSLY SUSPECTED TO BE THE KILLER FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF THE FILM. THEY HUG AND GET GROSS MUTANT BLOOD ALL OVER EACH OTHER.  
TG: dont forget to breathe son  
CG: THERE'S SOME UNSETTLING MUSIC AT THE END AND A ZOOM ON SOME CREEPY OBJECT OR FACIAL EXPRESSION, INDICATING THAT THERE MIGHT BE A SEQUEL IF THE FIRST MOVIE MAKES ENOUGH PROFIT.  
TG: you need to start a blog  
CG: OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T PREVENT JOHN FROM WATCHING IN FASCINATION WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN. AND SOLLUX AND ARADIA ARE MORE ENGROSSED IN EACH OTHER THAN THIS OVERFLOWING SHIT BUCKET OF A PLOT. MAYBE I CAN SNEAK OFF WITHOUT ANY OF THEM NOTICING.  
TG: is arcadia  
TG: how do i ask this  
CG: YOU COULD START BY FINISHING YOUR SENTENCES SO YOU CAN END THEM WITH A QUESTION NOODLE.  
TG: is she looking normal  
CG: AS NORMAL AS ONE CAN LOOK WITH A GIANT SARCASTIC ASSHOLE GLUED TO THEIR SIDE?  
CG: WHY. WHAT DID SHE DO.  
TG: nothing man nevermind  
CG: IT'S ALRIGHT, YOU CAN TELL ME. I'M USED TO HER WEIRD SPOOKY SHTICK.  
TG: i dont want to talk about it

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: JUST THOUGHT I'D UPDATE YOU ON THE FACT THAT THIS MOVIE CONTINUES TO BE SHIT.  
TG: ill probably come down soon, the bathroom floor is starting to get uncomfortable  
TG: maybe ill go explore the rest of the house  
CG: WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON THE FLOOR.  
TG: no reason  
TG: was tired of standing  
CG: AND YOU DECIDED TO GO REST NEXT TO THE LOAD GAPER.  
TG: yes  
CG: ...  
TG: seriously im fine  
CG: OKAY.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: JOHN FELL ASLEEP AND THE CONJOINED TWINS ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH. SAVE ME.  
TG: did you know john has a room with a pool table  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	25. Day 14 (Sunday, Late Afternoon): Ice Cream

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: Miss me yet?  
GT: Hi Dirk! Dont worry about me. Your little brother is keeping me QUITE entertained! He is one cheeky little bugger.  
TT: No fucking way. Did that brat really try to put the moves on you? I didn't think he had the balls.  
TT: Or the inclination. It's hard to say for sure.  
GT: Im sure i dont know what youre referring to! We are just out enjoying a refreshing frozen treat after a little bout of fisticuffs. I had the pleasure of being introduced to your private training space on the roof. You know youre not allowed to go there right?  
TT: How did you get Dave to train with you? He always bitches when I try to teach him self-defense. Or force him to do any exercise at all.  
GT: What can i say. I must have the magic touch!  
TT: Oh you do babe, I can attest to that.  
GT: Not THAT kind of magic you big sap! But in all seriousness his enthusiasm probably had more to do with the presence of his pal.  
TT: His what now?  
GT: Oh come now surely youre aware that your brother has friends! Hes quite the personable lad.  
TT: We must be talking about different kids. My little bro is cocky as shit.  
GT: I kinda find his brash attitude endearing.  
TT: I suppose I should be grateful for that, considering he gets it from me.  
GT: I do seem to have a soft spot for the cocksure and foolhardy!  
TT: The cocksure or the cock?  
GT: Sakes alive! I am in the presence of children sir!  
TT: Right. I'll save that thought for later. So who's the friend? Is it that Egbert kid? Dave slept over there once.  
GT: Twice actually! I dropped him off last night and picked him up in the morning. Did you know that john is my younger cousin? Second cousin actually. My grandma was an egbert on my mothers side.  
TT: Small world.  
GT: Small town rather!  
TT: That too. Now are you gonna tell me who's with you, or do I need to hire a PI?  
GT: Oh hes a boy of middle-eastern origin whose name I cant pronounce. One of your bros classmates. Hes an entertaining little fellow! Good fighter too. I hear hes quite skilled with sickles.  
TT: Sickles.  
GT: Yes unfortunately we had none on hand. I let him borrow one of your swords. You know theyre going to rust if you leave them up there!  
TT: I couldn't think of a better hiding place for them. I thought your collegues might frown upon my keeping ninja weapons in the house.  
GT: Oh. Yeah they probably would.  
GT: Hey im gonna have to go soon. I offered to take the boys to the movies after this. Hope you dont mind me spoiling them a bit in your absence!  
TT: Nah, knock yourself out. Take them out for pizza or something for dinner, I'll pay you back when I get home.  
GT: Hogwash! Save your rubes. It will be my pleasure to treat them!  
TT: Alright, we can settle this later. Do you mind putting the lil' guy on?  
GT: Sure.  
GT: hey  
TT: Dave?  
GT: one sec  
GT: yeah  
GT: whats up  
TT: Nothing man just chilling with the girls.  
GT: how are they  
TT: We can talk about that when I get home. How was your psychologist's appointment?  
GT: it was fine  
GT: karkat was there too so we hung out afterwards  
TT: Everything going well with Jake?  
GT: everythings great  
GT: im wooing him slowly but surely  
TT: No you're not, you little shit. I hear you just got your ass kicked.  
GT: maybe i have a fetish for old dudes who can benchpress me  
TT: Yeah? Mine is for teens who can't stop spewing bullshit.  
GT: heh  
GT: busted  
GT: so when do you get back  
GT: i thought you were just gonna spend the weekend  
TT: Yeah. That didn't stop being a thing that was true or anything.  
GT: but jake said you wont be home till tomorrow  
TT: It takes time to travel cross-country, you know. I only got there yesterday evening, and I'm leaving tomorrow morning. It's an 8 hour flight. I'll be home around dinnertime.  
GT: seems like a lot of money for such a small amount of time  
TT: You don't have to worry about money. That's my job.  
GT: youre a full time student  
TT: So?   
GT: lets not pretend were rolling in dough  
TT: Again, that's not for you to worry about. Don't you trust me to keep the roof over our heads? I think I've done a pretty good job so far.  
GT: that reminds me  
GT: the roofs been leaking  
TT: Seriously?  
GT: yeah its been raining nonstop  
TT: You're out eating ice cream in the rain.  
GT: yeah i thought that was strange too but your boyfriend was all "wheres your sense of adventure???"  
TT: That does sound like him. How big of a leak are we talking here?  
GT: on a scale from sad old mans trickle to horse piss   
GT: id say were on the more respectable end of the trickle range  
TT: Ok, just put a bucket underneath and I'll deal with it when I get home.  
GT: yeah i did that earlier  
GT: you should have seen karkats face  
GT: hes got this thing about buckets its fucking hilarious  
TT: Good to know. I'll be sure to mop the floor while he's around.  
GT: hey bro jake is pacing in front of the door like a chihuahua who needs to tinkle  
GT: i think this means we need to go   
TT: Alright. Would you mind passing the phone back to him?  
GT: sure  
TT: Hey, Jake.  
GT: Yes snookums?  
TT: Let the boys choose the movie, would you?  
GT: Im offended by your insinuation that my choice of movie could be anything less than first-rate!  
TT: You are the most indiscriminate fucker who ever lived. You literally like everything.  
GT: You dont complain about that when were in the bedroom.  
TT: Touché.  
GT: Think we will have time for a roll in the hay when you return?  
TT: It will be difficult to find time alone. But I'm sure we can be creative.  
GT: Roger that!  
TT: Have fun.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


	26. Day 15 (Monday, Afternoon): Backlash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam! Self-aware Dave!  
> The therapy must be bearing fruit.

Day 15 (Monday)

News that Karkat and I were invited to John's movie night spread through school this morning. A group intervention was staged at lunchtime. It's not like I'm totally ignorant of social dynamics, I had a feeling this was coming. I knew there would be some sort of backlash. I'm partly at fault for letting them get close, I shouldn't have let Rose meddle. I didn't need friends, I've been saying this from the beginning. Don't build people up and they won't let you down. Anyone will shoot if you give them the ammo. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

Mariska was the one who confronted Sollux and John. Made them see what would happen if they didn't stop associating with freaks. The rest of the class was standing behind her. John got a new hat made of spaghetti and milk. I didn't see what happened to Sollux, but I imagine his lunch followed a similar fate, based on the stains he now has on his shirt.

Aradia got insults written on her locker. Karkat got shoved into his. 

No one laid a finger on me, of course.

Rumors are a wonderful thing. You barely have to do anything to make them work for you. Mariska is such a complete bitch, and she's friends with Tereza who can't keep her mouth shut. I knew I could count on them to make this circulate. The "Dave has red eyes" thing. I didn't even need to nudge them in the right direction. They work it out from the shades, the doctors' note, the way some teachers look at me in disgust. They tell themselves stories and get themselves scared. I barely have to lift a finger at all. Just one photo I keep in my wallet, in case anyone decides to go through my stuff. Red eyes. Bad luck. Probably possessed. Maybe not even human at all.

Not my problem if they don't bother to fact-check.

It was like this at all my previous schools. On the surface everyone pretends to get along with me, because I'm cool. I'm not saying that to brag. Being cool is just being aloof. It's easy for me because I don't want to associate with them. They like it that way because it means they don't really have to associate with me. The implied agreement is that we keep our distances. They nod to me in the hall, I nod back. Stick to small talk. Keep the poker face on. 

It works for me. The scared ones just avoid me. The ones who want to feel tough fist bump me and we pretend we're friends without having to actually do anything or talk to each other. I get rid of the curious ones by flirting and making fun of them. It's a really effective combo. Normal people don't want to date red-eyed freaks. Freaks and rejects don't want to be made fun of.

The others will probably stop talking to me now. That's fine, we barely knew each other anyway. They probably won't abandon Karkat since they've all known him for so long. I'm the extra variable here. It's best to just remove me from the equation.

Karkat... Karkat may prove to be a problem. He's likely to take my side. Maybe even stir up trouble. He's the exception. The other monster. 

Honestly, I'm out of my depth with him. Nothing works to keep him at bay. He's not afraid of me, he's afraid FOR me. He talks shit to me. He flirts back WHILE telling me off. It's confusing as hell. I can't get rid of him. The worst part is, I don't even want to. Riling him up is fun. Getting him flustered is fun. Talking to him is fun, because he's so weird and I never know what he's gonna come up with next, but it also kind of all makes sense in a Karkat kind of way. It's kind of great and also terrifying. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I think he's starting to have a crush on me. I should really nip this in the bud. I just don't know how to go about it. 

And. This is the most embarrassing shit I've ever written, but... I'm not sure if I really want to. I'm not sure what that says about me, and I'm not really in the mood for an existential crisis right now. I already know I'm a narcissistic fuck, so I'm fine with chucking this whole thing under that umbrella.

Any chance you can burn this after reading it?

DS


	27. Day 15 (Monday, Evening): Cold Shoulder

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GT: hey! are you okay?  
GT: i can't believe mariska and tereza did that, that was such bullshit!  
GT: i'm dissapointed, i thought they were cool.  
GT: dave?  
GT: is everything okay?  
GT: are you really away or are you just ignoring me?  
TG: you shouldnt talk to me anymore

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GT: are you really going to start avoiding us over this?  
GT: hello???

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked ghostyTrickster [GT]

\--------------------------------------------------

twinArmaggedons [TA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TA: hey 2triider, how about droppiing the martyr act for a 2ec?

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: niice try!

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: haha.

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: dude youre ju2t tiiriing your2elf out.  
TG: dammit

\--------------------------------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, WTF.

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: DID YOU JUST TRY TO BLOCK ME???  
CG: THAT DOESN'T WORK ON TROLLIAN, IDIOT.  
CG: YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?  
CG: ...  
CG: FINE. I CAN TAKE A HINT.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: why did you block me on pesterchum??  
EB: you don't need to do this.  
EB: you're just letting the bullies win!

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB]

EB: :c

\--------------------------------------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TT: Don't mind him, he's being a huge baby.  
GT: are you talking about dave? how do you know??  
TT: I'm standing right behind him and reading over his shoulder.  
GT: you're at his house???  
TT: Yes, his brargbaiugaweb 3et4ujd  
TT: Hang onater  
GT: ???  
TT: oijhg

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TT: Okay, I have retreated to the safety of the bathroom for now.  
TT: As I was saying...   
TT: Yes, his brother brought me back as a souvenir from his trip to New York. Surprise!  
GT: that's awesome! how long are you here for?  
TT: Two weeks. I would have liked to stay longer, but it took a lot of arm twisting to get my mom to agree to this much.  
GT: how did you manage that? i could never convince my dad to let me take a two-week break from school.  
TT: I put both her and Dirk before the fait accompli. My plane ticket was already purchased, my luggage packed and my schoolwork sorted out by the time Dirk arrived.  
TT: Then I enlisted his help to convince my mother that she could use this time alone to sort a few things out for herself.  
GT: well, it's good that you're here. dave was really bummed that he couldn't go visit you! i think he misses you a lot.  
TT: If that's the case, he might want to show it! He's been in a bad mood ever since I got here. Something happened at school, didn't it? He refuses to talk about it.  
GT: we, uh... may have gotten into a bit of a scrape with the classroom bully.  
TT: Who's "we"?  
GT: everyone who's been talking to dave, pretty much. do you know mariska? long black hair, kind of bossy? she went to junior high with us.  
TT: Wasn't she the one who injured her eye at some point and had to wear an eyepatch?  
GT: yeah, man i forgot about that! she got everyone to talk like a pirate.  
TT: Aye, I remember the lass.  
GT: well, apparently she doesn't approve of us making friends with an albino.  
GT: or me. i think it might have been aimed at me specifically.  
TT: Oh? Why is that?  
GT: because, we were kind of... gosh, i don't know how to explain this.  
GT: we'd been getting closer lately. talking on pesterchum and stuff. playing online games, those kind of things.  
TT: You and Dave?  
GT: i guess that's true with dave too, but i meant me and mariska. we've been chatting basically every night since school started. and i thought she maybe had a crush on me? or, uh, karkat thinks she does, but i don't know. she never said she liked me that way, she just likes to boss me around and stuff.  
GT: i mean i don't mind it, usually. she's fun. and i think she means well? but she went too far this time.  
TT: What kind of things does she tell you to do, exactly?  
GT: well, usually if we're playing a game she takes care of the strategy and i just do what she says. and it's fine, we make a good team you know?  
TT: What about real life?  
GT: well. sometimes she says i'm "l8me" and she wants to help me power up or something. like, become cooler, or more assertive or something. so i should take more risks to get what i want. or what she thinks i should want, i guess.  
TT: I have to say, John... That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.  
GT: but she's not really making me do anything! she's just giving me advice. good friends are supposed to give advice, aren't they?  
TT: Don't you think a true friend would like you the way you are?  
GT: i guess i just... never really thought about it. today was the first time she really tried to force me to stop doing something. she said mean things about dave, and that i shouldn't be hanging out with him, and then she ruined my lunch and my clothes. and then her friends did it to sollux. then some other people started bullying karkat and aradia. all because of what she said.  
TT: And how do you feel about that?  
GT: it sucks!!! before all this, don't laugh but i was actually kind of thinking of asking her out. like, on a real date, to find out if we had feelings for each other or what. i thought it might be nice if she were my girlfriend... but not if she's going to hurt my friends! or ask me to choose between her and them.  
TT: Aw, John. I'm sorry your romantic interest turned out to be a bully.  
TT: For all it's worth, I think this is for the best. You deserve a girlfriend who won't try to control you.  
GT: it was sad to see how the other people were backing her up. everyone got along fine with dave and they all suddenly decided to hate him, just like that. because of some dumb thing he can't even control.   
GT: and now dave won't talk to us. he probably feels like this is all his fault.  
GT: but we wouldn't stop being his friends just because someone tells us to! tell him, he's just being stubborn.  
GT: i don't care if he has red eyes. i still want to be his friend.  
TT: What makes you think his eyes are red?  
GT: there have been rumors going around school. about him being an albino, and that's why he gets special permission to hide his eyes and stuff... and dave pretty much said that was true already.  
TT: Really. Did he say "I am an albino"?  
GT: uh. pretty much?  
TT: Did he say "my eyes are red"?  
GT: i guess... not in those exact words?  
TT: Did he imply that you shouldn't approach him or that he was dangerous?  
GT: no!   
GT: well...  
GT: sort of, but that's just because he's concerned about us, right? after what happened today.  
TT: Right...  
TT: Thank you. I think I have a better understanding of the situation, now. This is also partly Dave's fault. I'll talk to him.  
GT: but he didn't even do anything!  
TT: Don't worry about it, John. I'm sure this will be resolved soon.  
GT: i hope so :c


	28. Day 16 (Tuesday, Morning): Wet Cat

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: is bro gone?  
TT: Uh, yes? He left for school about five minutes after you did. Why?  
TG: cause im hiding downstairs  
TG: come get the door for me i dont have my keys  
TT: Why aren't you at school?  
TG: im not going today  
TT: You've just randomly decided to skip.  
TG: yes  
TT: And this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're not speaking to any of your friends.  
TG: nope  
TG: you gonna let me in or what  
TT: Hmm. No, I don't think I will.  
TG: what  
TG: why the fuck not???  
TT: First, because you will find it very boring here. I'm just doing homework and emailing back and forth with my teacher.  
TG: dont care ill just play with my turntables  
TG: come on  
TG: its my house  
TT: And second, because this is very stupid.  
TG: its not stupid  
TG: its about freedom  
TG: and gaining some sort of control over my life  
TT: No it isn't. It's about how you purposely sabotaged your new friendships for the sake of maintaining your "cool" persona.  
TG: hey i didnt start the rumor  
TT: No, but I bet you encouraged it.  
TG: i didnt tell anyone to go through my stuff  
TG: and im not the one pushing people into lockers  
TT: That could have easily been avoided if you weren't so intent on playing the black sheep.  
TG: youre bonkers if you think guilt-tripping me is gonna make me want to go to school  
TG: rose come on  
TG: the only reason im stuck down here is that i gave you my keys   
TG: all so you could come and go during the day  
TG: see what a gentleman i am  
TT: I see you're no stranger to guilt-tripping, yourself.  
TG: i made you breakfast!  
TT: You put a pop tart in the toaster.  
TG: i let you have my bed  
TT: You said the couch was more comfortable.  
TG: i was lying  
TG: let me innnnn

\--------------------------------------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT1] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]

TT1: There's a feral cat scratching at the door. It's all wet and pitiful and missing a piece of ear. Do I let him in?  
TT2: I'm allergic to cats.  
TT2: And it's not even raining...?  
TT1: I see. Would the answer change if the cat were a teenage boy playing hooky?  
TT2: Hell no. I'm even more allergic to those.

tentacleTherapist [TT1] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]

\--------------------------------------------------

TT: Daddy says no.  
TG: you snitch!!!

\--------------------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Get your ass to school, punk.  
TG: why  
TT: I'm the one footing the bill. The least you could do is show up.  
TG: cant you just let me skip for today? i promise ill go tomorrow  
TT: You'd fucking better! Tomorrow is my class!  
TG: wouldnt miss it for the world  
TG: come on let me stay home just this once  
TT: Why today?  
TG: wanna hang out with rose  
TT: Rose is busy with her own schoolwork.  
TG: i got a sore tummy  
TT: You're about to get my foot up your ass.  
TT: Tell me the truth and I will consider letting Rose open the door.  
TG: some things happened yesterday and I want to let the dust settle  
TT: What kind of things?  
TG: the people getting bullied for the crime of befriending me kind  
TT: ...  
TG: come on bro  
TG: its chilly out today  
TT: Fine. You have my permission to skip your morning classes.  
TG: yesss  
TT: But you and I are having lunch together and I want you to tell me exactly what happened.  
TG: groan...  
TT: Once I have all the facts I will decide whether you're going to school this afternoon or not. And if I say you're going, you're going. There will be no bitching or pleading. Do we have a deal?  
TG: i guess  
TT: I need a firm answer.   
TG: sir yes sir!  
TT: That's better.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT1] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT2]

TT1: Fine. Let the damn cat in.


	29. Day 16 (Tuesday, Morning): Culture Clash

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY.  
TG: go away  
CG: I GUESS YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A CLUCKBEAST TO FACE THE FOUR PEOPLE YOU'VE MIDLY INCONVENIENCED BY INADVERTENTLY GETTING ON VRISKA'S RADAR.  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO SKIP YOUR SCHOOLFEEDING. WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE ACTION.  
TG: why what happened  
CG: I NEVER DREAMED I'D GET TO WITNESS THE MOMENT WHEN THE JOHN HUMAN FINALLY GREW HIMSELF A POSTURE POLE. IT IS A MOMENT THAT SHOULD BE IMMORTALIZED WITH CARVINGS OF PRECIOUS STONE. AND CELEBRATED EVERY SWEEP THEREAFTER WITH SOME SORT OF FREAKISH PARADE.  
TG: what did he do  
CG: YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY HE HANDLED SPIDERBITCH. HER ASS GOT SERVED ON A SILVER NUTRITION PLATEAU LIKE A FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRE AT A FANCY FUNDRAISER. THE ENTIRE CLASS WAS IN AWE.  
TG: whos spiderbitch  
TG: sounds like a cartoon supervillain  
CG: VRISKA.   
CG: SHE BASICALLY IS ONE. SHE HAS KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN THE REST OF US COMBINED. AND SHE BUILDS DOOMSDAY DEVICES AS A FUCKING HOBBY.  
TG: sounds legit  
TG: is vriska some troll name for mariska  
CG: GATHER THE SCIENTISTS, THE EARTHBEAST IS LEARNING!  
CG: YES, IT WAS HER NAME BEFORE SHE FORGOT HER OWN FUCKING IDENTITY LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.  
TG: just how many of you fuckers are walking around in human cloaks  
CG: A STAGGERING NUMBER. PROBABLY MORE THAN YOUR WEAK HUMAN INTELLECT CAN ENVISION.  
TG: sweet  
TG: whats her superpower  
CG: SHE'S A CERULEAN BLOOD. THEY HAVE MIND-CONTROL ABILITIES.  
TG: great  
CG: WELL THE TROLL ONES DO. JOHN IS CERULEAN AND HE DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY ABILITIES AT ALL, BESIDES FONDLING HIS OWN AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES AND COMPLAINING ABOUT CAKE.  
TG: so basically were all fucking doomed  
CG: STRIDER, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. VRISKA DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT SHE *IS* A TROLL, MUCH LESS HOW TO *CONTROL* ONE. ANYWAY HER POWER DOESN'T WORK ON ANIMALS. YOU'RE SAFE.  
TG: you think humans are animals?  
CG: WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU BE. ARE YOU UNICELLULAR? DOES YOUR DNA HANG LOOSE? DO YOU HAVE CELL WALLS? DO YOU DO PHOTOSYNTHESIS? NO, THEN YOU'RE A FUCKING ANIMAL! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SPEND BIOLOGY CLASS TRYING TO THINK OF NEW WAYS TO TICKLE MY AGGRAVATION SPONGE, YOU'D KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR OWN ASSWIGGLING SPECIES.  
CG: THOUGH I ADMIT CALLING YOU A BEAST WAS TOO GENEROUS. AT MOST YOU'D MAKE A CUTE PET.  
CG: IF YOU DIDN'T TALK SO MUCH.  
TG: so you think im cute  
CG: IT WAS A FIGURE OF FUCKING SPEECH.  
TG: sure it was  
TG: anyway im not really into the whole bdsm master/pet thing i might as well tell you upfront  
CG: WHAT THE EVERDRIPPING MOTHER GRUB'S OVIPOSITOR IS BDSM.  
TG: google it bro  
TG: make sure safe search is off  
CG: IS THIS "UNSAFE" SEARCH GOING TO LAND ME IN THE PRINCIPALAVERER'S BLOCK AGAIN?  
TG: only if you get caught  
CG: FINE.  
CG: OH.  
CG: THAT'S IT? THIS IS JUST TYPICAL BLACKROM COURTSHIP.  
CG: IS A LITTLE FLOGGING OR SENSORY DEPRIVATION CONSIDERED SHOCKING TO YOUR SPECIES?  
TG: youre fucking with me right  
CG: HOLY SPARKLING NOOKFUNGUS! I KNEW YOU WERE CLUELESS ABOUT QUADRANTS, BUT I THOUGHT YOU HAD AT LEAST SOME BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF ROMANCE!  
TG: hey i can romance the socks off a hippo in a pompadour  
TG: i just dont typically do it in leather gear  
CG: SO ALL YOUR SPADES FLIRTING WAS JUST... ACCIDENTAL.  
TG: uh  
CG: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I KNOW YOU DON'T HATE ME THAT WAY.  
TG: dude i feel like you should come with subtitles  
TG: what are you talking about  
CG: SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT EQUIPPED TO UNDERSTAND, EVIDENTLY!  
TG: are you sulking because i dont have an s&m kink  
TG: did you expect me to go full dom on your ass  
CG: NO! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS. I'M NOT INTO YOU *THAT WAY*!!!  
TG: but you are into me  
CG: ARGH.  
CG: I *WISH* I WERE LOOKING FOR A KISMESIS. YOU CAN BE AGGRAVATING AS FUCK.  
TG: relax dude im just messing with you  
CG: WERE YOU ALSO MESSING WITH ME ABOUT THE ZOO THING?  
TG: uh  
CG: YOU NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION OF TAKING ME ANYWHERE.  
CG: IT'S FINE, I GET IT. MAKE FUN OF THE CLUELESS ALIEN! OUR CULTURES ARE DIFFERENT, HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS.  
TG: no wait look  
TG: we can totally go on a sweet animal-gazing manbro date i just didnt think youd be up for it  
TG: shit does washington even have zoos  
TG: i didnt check  
CG: COUGAR MOUNTAIN ZOO IS A 35 MINUTE DRIVE FROM HERE. NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING.  
TG: hey karkles my bro just got here  
TG: i need to sign off  
CG: HOW CONVENIENT!  
TG: no listen  
TG: dont flip out  
TG: ill come to school this afternoon alright?  
TG: we can talk then  
CG: I'D RATHER NOT DISCUSS OUR ROMANTIC INTENTIONS WITH ALL OF OUR ASSHOLE CLASSMATES LISTENING IN.  
TG: our  
TG: shit ok  
TG: look  
TG: meet me in the janitors closet just before third period  


turntechGodhead is now offline!

CG: WHAT, NO I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE, THAT PLACE IS FULL OF PAILS! THAT'S THE *WORST* PLACE TO HAVE THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION!  
CG: DAMMIT...


	30. Day 16 (Tuesday, Afternoon): Date-planning Date

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: is bro gone  
TT: Don't tell me you're hiding outside again. I really won't answer the door this time.  
TG: no  
TG: im at school  
TG: technically  
TT: ...  
TG: dont even ask im not telling you  
TG: youre just gonna run and tell bro  
TG: you traitor  
TT: You know you won't be able to resist telling me anyway.  
TG: true  
TG: im in the janitors closet  
TT: Oh, of course you are. Why do I even bother to act surprised anymore.  
TG: hey its still technically on school grounds  
TT: And what exactly are you hiding from?  
TG: im not hiding why would i be hiding  
TG: dave strider aint no cluckbeast  
TT: Cute term. Is it karkatian?  
TG: you know it  
TG: im waiting for him to show up  
TG: were having a closet date  
TG: uh by which i mean a secret meetup not an actual date  
TG: even though its a secret meetup to discuss plans for an actual date  
TG: which was also not meant to be a date except in the most ironic sense  
TG: i probably should stop referring to everything as dates  
TG: then i wouldnt be in this predicament  
TT: Let me get this straight. You, Dave Strider, self-proclaimed master of irony and heartbreaker extraordinaire, are having a secret fake date in a closet for the purpose of hammering out later unironic date plans?  
TG: apparently aliens dont understand irony  
TT: Does this mean you got caught at your joke-flirting game and ended up committing to an interspecies date by accident?  
TG: ...maybe  
TT: That is deliciously ironic in its own way.  
TG: i thought it was clear that i was joking  
TT: And of course you're too prideful to back out.  
TG: its not pride i just don't want to be that douche whos like "hey bro ive got the gay feels for you... just kidding"  
TT: Isn't that your modus operandi? With males and females alike, if I recall.  
TG: people dont usually take it seriously  
TG: normal people  
TG: non-karkat people  
TT: Do you even like this guy?  
TG: yeah i like him  
TG: hes funny  
TT: You know what I mean. Do you like him in a datey way?  
TG: i dont think so  
TG: maybe  
TG: if i forget he has a penis it would probably be ok  
TT: We don't know for sure that he does. It could be some kind of insect palpus.  
TG: well ive never jerked it to bugs so im probably not into... whatever that is  
TG: doesnt matter anyway its not like id try to get into his pants  
TG: im a southern gentleman  
TG: and i mean a date is mostly hanging out anyway right  
TG: maybe some awkward hand holding at the most  
TG: i can handle it  
TT: You know you don't have to go on this date if you really don't want to, right?  
TT: Sure you'll come off as a bit of a prick, but less so than if you take this game of gay cluckbeast all the way to the altar. Sooner or later the meowcreature will find its way out of the flexible paper container.  
TG: i didnt know you were fluent in troll  
TT: I've been taking lessons in my spare time.  
TG: anyway i never promised to have his babies or anything  
TG: we just talked about going to the zoo  
TT: How adorable! Cougar Mountain or Woodland Park?  
TG: cougar i guess  
TG: i dont know  
TG: which one is better  
TT: Depends on how you're planning to get there. Woodland Park is nicer and bigger, but it's a little far. I haven't been in a long time either... Maybe we could all go together next weekend?  
TG: oh yeah sure bring the whole family  
TG: nothing like failing at romance in front of a large audience  
TT: The alternative is taking three buses.  
TG: cool i can cross that off my bucket list  
TG: ive always wanted to get lost in seattle  
TT: You don't seem to be looking forward to this at all. At the risk of repeating myself, wouldn't you rather back out?  
TG: nah ill figure something out  
TT: I'm starting to think you're secretly enamored with this boy and your reticence is merely a front.  
TT: Either that or denial due to the social stigma attached to "the gay feels".  
TG: thats not what this is  
TG: i just feel bad  
TG: i made the guy think i was asking him out  
TG: i should at least own up to it  
TT: This is not what owning up to one's mistakes usually entails.  
TG: cant a guy just feel bad and decide to do something nice for another dude  
TT: By taking him out on a pity date?  
TG: hey i may be a self-absorbed asshole but im not THAT condescending  
TT: I'm having a hard time believing you would go this far simply out of guilt, especially since you're an expert at leading people on.  
TG: im not an expert at it  
TG: i only flirt when people cuss me out or something  
TG: it usually just pisses them off more  
TG: which tends to be the intended effect  
TG: it just doesnt work on karkat is all  
TT: Still, I've never known you to show much scrupule when it comes to toying with other people's emotions. Do you want me to believe that you are wracked with guilt over this one instance?  
TG: no  
TG: but its part of it  
TG: i mean obviously i cant blame the guy for falling for me when im so goddamn irresistible  
TT: Obviously.  
TG: and lets get real its not my fault im a hot piece of ass  
TT: Oh, the burden of a scorching posterior.  
TG: but i feel like i should have taken his... condition? into consideration  
TT: Hmm.  
TG: i just keep talking to him like hes a normal guy whos just making up a lot of fun bullshit  
TG: and i have fun playing along without thinking but i forget hes gonna take some of the shit i say literally  
TG: or like misunderstand some things completely  
TG: and thats on me cause i know whats up with him  
TT: I have to say, this is deeper thinking than I thought you were capable of.  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: im out of my element  
TG: is it fucked up that i feel guilty for not thinking of him as an alien?  
TT: Why would you? He's not an alien.  
TG: but he believes it  
TG: he really believes in alternia and trolls and all of their weird ass customs  
TG: they wouldnt have diagnosed him with a mental illness otherwise  
TT: Did you ever find out which illness that was?  
TG: no  
TG: should i ask him i dont know  
TG: does it matter  
TT: It might help you understand him better.  
TG: ive been talking to him for over two weeks now  
TG: and it just hit me today that he probably finds the things i tell him just as frustratingly confusing as i find the stuff he tells me  
TG: and probably a lot less hilarious  
TG: and now he tells me he wants to discuss feelings or whatever  
TG: "dating intentions"  
TG: how do i do that with someone who probably misinterprets everything i say  
TG: im terrible at talking about this stuff under the best of circumstances  
TT: You really are.  
TT: But since I admire your pure intentions, I will do my best to refrain from laughing at your discomfort.  
TG: thanks for that  
TG: honestly im nervous as hell  
TG: where the fuck is he


	31. Day 16 (Tuesday, Evening): Canned Peaches

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: hi baby  
TT: Hello, Mother.  
TG: hows everthing @ da stri house  
TT: Surprisingly commonplace. The decor is much less baffling than one would expect. There have been no porn puppets or indeed, puppets of any kind.  
TT: Though I have been warned not to venture into Dirk's bedroom if I wish to preserve what little innocence I still have.  
TG: what little???  
TT: Extensive use of the dark magics have thoroughly corrupted my black shriveled heart. There is little we can do but mourn my childhood naiveté at this point.  
TG: u want me 2 organize a funeral 4 it?  
TG: we can bury ur old barbies  
TT: Let's not.  
TG: w/e u say honey  
TG: *wonk*  
TT: Oh god.  
TG: *major wonkage*  
TT: No funeral!!!  
TG: lmao  
TG: so how r dem boys treatin ya?  
TT: They keep me fed and walk me twice a day. I have no complaints.  
TG: i guess thats ok  
TG: as long as they dont pet u  
TT: Mom, eww!  
TG: u started it  
TT: I most certainly did not!  
TG: how come u & dave get to make inappropriate sex jokes all the time and im not allowed?  
TT: Because I did not come into this world through his vagina.  
TG: lol   
TG: rose thats gross  
TT: Oh, is it? Consider this payback.  
TG: way 2 make fun of how i suffered 4 u  
TG: u got my v all torn up u ungrateful brat  
TG: i had 2 get stitches  
TG: couldnt walk 4 a WEEK bc of ur fat head  
TT: Omg stop! You win, I desist. You are the queen of cringe.  
TG: *humbly accepts sash & crown*  
TT: Can we speak seriously for a moment?  
TT: How are you holding up?  
TG: im ok  
TG: i havent had nothin 2 drink since u guys left  
TG: i mean unless u count shitty soda that stuff is atrocious  
TT: I'm proud of you.  
TG: its nuthin 2 b proud of  
TG: u guys dumped all my booze  
TG: + dk syphoned the gas out of my car so i couldnt get out of this shithole 2 buy more  
TT: He did? That sounds rather unsafe. What if zombies attack or the woods catch fire?  
TG: he didnt leave w/ it he just stashed the gas can in our safe & changed the combo  
TT: We have a safe?  
TG: duh  
TT: Where is it?  
TG: ...*wonk*  
TT: Fine, moving on. How do you feel?  
TG: ok i guess  
TG: hands r shakin & i got a headache but thats normal it will go away  
TG: didnt start to hallucinate or anything  
TG: & i cant sleep but that could just b stress  
TT: I'm sorry if my leaving with Dirk upset you.  
TG: its not that  
TG: i mean i was upset @ first when u said u wanted 2 leave but i get it  
TG: i know u wanted 2 b w/ dave  
TG: & things havent been v fun 4 u here  
TT: Not for you either, as far as I can tell.  
TG: u may b right  
TT: If you hate your new job so much, why can't we just go back to Washington?  
TG: its not that easy honey  
TG: i signed a contract  
TT: I'm sure your lawyer friend can get you out of it.  
TG: maybe he can maybe he cant  
TT: We could get our old house back. Dirk isn't even using it.  
TG: hes renting it out & he needs the $$$  
TT: He could move in with us. We do have four bedrooms. Then he wouldn't have rent to pay and all of his earnings could go towards his and Dave's regular expenses.  
TG: aw sweetie i wish it were that easy  
TT: But it is! You're the one making it needlessly complicated.  
TG: dk likes his independence  
TT: So? Give him the basement, that way he'll have a workspace and a place to hide from human interaction.  
TG: ive thought abt that  
TG: but im not sure hed be willing 2 go 4 it  
TG: + i dont know how much youd enjoy having him around full time  
TG: honestly im already worried abt you staying there 4 a few days  
TG: especially w/ all the weapons he keeps around the place  
TG: u didnt cut urself on anything did you?  
TT: Rest assured, I am perfectly unharmed.  
TG: promise me youll b careful  
TG: dont open any cabinets  
TG: pointy shit just tends 2 fall out  
TG: like maybe just steer clear of the kitchen entirely  
TT: Mom, I promise you I am in no danger. You're worrying over nothing. Dirk is not as irresponsible as you think, he has gotten rid of his entire collection of ill-crafted weapons since CPS came to visit.  
TG: wat  
TT: I can personally attest to the fact that the refrigerator is no longer booby-trapped. The most dangerous thing in there is an aging cauliflower, and even then it's still edible if you remove the brown bits.  
TG: cps???  
TT: Child Protective Services.  
TG: why would they visit??  
TT: To ascertain the safety of Dirk's ward and evaluate the advisability of his continued guardianship, I imagine.  
TG: ur serious  
TT: I wouldn't joke about something like this.  
TG: no  
TG: no no no no no  
TT: How did you not know about this?  
TG: nobody told me!!!  
TG: they cant take davey  
TG: dk worked so hard for this  
TG: it would wreck him  
TG: and us :c  
TG: omg rosie we cant let that happen  
TT: ...  
TG: how long ago?  
TT: It's been about two weeks now.  
TG: omg

\--------------------------------------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Where are you? I'm having an increasingly awkward conversation with my mother and I need you to bail me out.

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: this is such bullshit  
TG: they never showed up ONCE when he lived with his pos dad  
TG: why now when hes finally surrounded w/ ppl who care abt him  
TT: Murphy's Law?  
TG: is dk gonna lose custody? :c  
TT: I sincerely hope not.  
TG: why didnt he TELL me  
TT: I'm honestly quite surprised that he didn't. Don't you pride yourselves on being each other's confidante?

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: sorry i got cornered by john and sollux after class and now were all hanging out at johns  
TT: I'm only here for two weeks and you're going to ditch me to play shooting games with some boys you can see everyday?  
TG: hey youre the one who said to stop avoiding them  
TT: That's a separate issue. I'm your guest and I demand to be entertained.  
TG: so come hang with us  
TG: im sure john wouldnt mind  
TG: and you could meet karkat  
TT: As much as I look forward to my first conversation with an extraterrestrial being, it's a rather long walk from here to John's house.

\--------------------------------------------------

TT: Maybe he just mentioned it in such a roundabout way that you failed to grasp the situation? He does have a reputation for being inscrutable.  
TG: oh god  
TG: i think ur right  
TG: he said we had 2 brainstorm  
TG: ways 2 fix our fuckups  
TG: he was gonna lecture me abt drinking first and then  
TG: he wanted my advice on smth omg im the worst  
TT: What happened?  
TG: i ditched him (ToT)  
TT: Oh.

\--------------------------------------------------

TT: This is code red! She just switched to Japanese-style emoticons.

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: im his only support & i ignored him the ONE TIME he tried 2 ask me 4 help  
TT: That's bullshit, you've helped him plenty of times. You took him in when he had nowhere to go.  
TG: but i failed him this time ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡  
TT: Nobody's perfect. You have your own problems to deal with. I'm sure Dirk understands that.  
TG: i forced him to come to me  
TG: when he didnt have the money or time  
TG: to take care of ME when i shouldve been  
TG: ugh

\--------------------------------------------------

TG: john says hes gonna ask his dad if he can come pick you up  
TT: John's dad is there? Oh now I'm definitely going. I'll walk if I have to!  
TG: dont tell me you have a crush on johns dad  
TG: hes got to be at least 50  
TT: Society may frown upon us but the heart knows what it wants.  
TT: Or the mouth, in this case.  
TG: ew ew ew ew ew tmi  
TT: Hahaha.  
TG: why do you always find new ways to traumatize me  
TT: Because you make it so easy. But I promise, my infatuation only lies with the man's baking prowess.  
TG: ok i cant really fault you for that  
TG: i am head over heels for his desserts  
TG: and breakfasts  
TG: last time i slept over he made these chocolate pancakes that were out of this world  
TT: Can we please set him up with my mom?  
TG: only if i can move in  
TT: I want them to get married. I bet she'd get him to make us cat-shaped crêpes covered in whipped cream.  
TG: with a hello kitty bow made out of strawberries  
TT: And chocolate buttons for the eyes.  
TG: i would devour the fuck out of that icon of japanese consumerism  
TT: It needs to be a thing.

\--------------------------------------------------

TT: Mom, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to go soon. There is a get-together at John's and my presence is being requested.  
TG: dont worry abt it  
TG: i shouldnt go crying to my daughter in the first place  
TT: It's ok.  
TG: no its not  
TG: ur 15 u shouldnt have to shoulder all of my drama  
TT: I'm not really shouldering anything, I'm just giving you a chance to vent.  
TG: do u know ur the sweetest? ur like a frikkin can of peaches  
TT: I honestly can't tell if you're being sarcastic. I'm the underripe pineapple kind at best.  
TG: pshhh!  
TT: My ride is here. As the great Sun Tzu once said:  
TT: g2g

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


	32. Day 16 (Tuesday, Evening): Cake Fight

Day 16

Hi doc. It's only been one day since that last entry I wrote, but everything feels different somehow. I guess all the emo dripped off of me like cheap mascara in the rain. (Can't do emo without the mascara. It's a thing.)

I know I've told you many times that I didn't want friends, and it's obvious that you think it's BS. And you're right, in an ideal world where nobody ever stabs each other in the back, of course I'd want friends. Obviously being with people who have your back is more fun than being alone, I'm not an idiot! I just haven't met a whole lot of trustworthy people - that's not me being a drama queen, that's just a fact. My mom and my brother left me behind, my dad treated me like shit, and for the longest time I had nobody to turn to. Except Rose, but she was just a pen pal, you know? When we both got computers we started chatting online and she became more like a real person to me, but we still only got to see each other a few times a year for like Christmas and stuff. So I've been alone most of my life, and it's just my default now. I may not LIKE it, but it's the situation I feel safest in.

But now the thing is, these past two weeks I got to meet some of Rose's friends, and friends of her friends, and it was nice. They were nice. So I kept expecting things to go to shit. And I guess part of me was waiting for the excuse to run away. Back to safety, you know? So when the bullying started and I made the obvious choice. I stopped talking to the others. 

Except when I got home, guess who was sitting on my bed all smiling like the Cheshire cat? That's right, Rose. The person I trust most in the whole world, who's stuck by me through thick and thin. She flew from NY just to be with me. She even paid for the ticket herself, just totally emptied her bank account for my sake. And here I was being a huge cold flopping fish and basically telling all her friends to fuck off. She wasn't very happy about it once she figured out what was going on. We had an argument that didn't resolve anything, and it sucked because we hadn't seen each other in so long, yet we were wasting this precious time being angry at each other.

I managed to avoid the situation (and basically everyone) a bit longer by skipping school this morning, but then Karkat wrote to me and, well. We were going to meet to talk about... stuff. So I went to school and I hid in the janitor's closet which is kind of our thing, don't ask, it's embarrassing. Anyway, he wasn't able to meet me there, he got caught by a hallway monitor and escorted to class. At least he didn't kick and fuss this time, so the lady didn't send him to the principal. (I mean the principalaverer. I swear Karkat always comes up with the best names for everything. I had to look up the verb palaver, but man. It is just so PERFECT.)

So then I went to class and it was a bit awkward, but no one gave me any trouble. Mariska didn't even make eye contact, John must have really put her in her place! I'm actually kinda sad that I missed it. That'll teach me to skip class, I guess...

After school, John and Sollux ambushed me at my locker. John basically puppy dog eyed me into agreeing to go home with him, and Sollux pulled this totally obvious tsundere act that ended with him punching me in the shoulder way too hard. Then Karkat and Arcadia joined us, along with a bunch of people I vaguely recognized. They apologized for what happened with Mariska, and said they were all friends of Rose and if she's cool with me, they're cool with me and so on. That's when I realized that if I want to be there for Rose like she's been for me, I need to show her that I trust her, which that means trusting her judgment, which means trusting her friends too, even if it opens me up to disappointment. I'm just full of epiphanies these days, they're just flying left and right and buzzing around my face like freaking wasps trying to get into my apple juice. I blame you for that, btw. Every little move makes me question everything now. Is therapy supposed to be this exhausting?

Aaand now I forgot where I was.

Oh yeah. So I made an effort and hung out with everybody, and Rose came to join us and it was great. I got to see how happy she was to see everyone again. I never knew she had this many friends. No wonder she's so bored in NY. It was weird too, watching her get along with so many people, and share gossip and inside jokes and so on. Part of me was like "she has all these people, what did she ever need me for?" but at the same time it gave me some smug sense of satisfaction, knowing that no one understands Rose as well as I do. We've been friends for so long, sometimes it feels like we're two halves of the same person. Don't tell anyone I said that, I would never live it down (jk I know you're not allowed to tell. I couldn't tell you half the shit I do otherwise.)

Of course the fact that we know each other so well also makes her way too good at teasing me. I was glad when she got into the water and had to stop texting me little barbs. Why did I think it was a good idea to let her meet Karkat? Ugh.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that John has a pool. A really nice one, too. Not many people had brought their swimsuits, but John lent some to the guys, and Arcadia lives practically across the street so she lent some to the girls. Some people just swam in their shorts or underwear since it was such a ridiculously hot day. I can't swim (never went to a school with a pool that wasn't in total disrepair) so I just put my feet in the water for a while, but I'm not a huge fan of getting my ass wet and I didn't want to look uncool by sitting on a towel. Yes, I know it's dumb, you don't have to tell me.

And as it turns out, Karkat can't swim either, so we just retreated to our own private baking spot. I have the worst sunburn now, even though I put sunblock on. But it did give us a chance to talk. We never actually got to have "the conversation", though. There were too many people around, I guess we both kept chickening out. So we just kinda danced around the topic and talked about Alternia instead. I love that starry look in his eyes when I ask him about his "world". Does he get like that with you too? Alternia sounds like a really cool place. You know, if you ignore all the murdery bits.

Did he ever tell you about the seadwellers? I wouldn't want to venture into the water either, if it was full of fish supremacists! Karkat thinks some of our classmates are sea trolls who've lost their memories. They weren't there tonight, though, so I guess everyone who used the pool was safe.

Dinner was hot-dogs and of course cake, there's no visit to the Egberts that doesn't somehow end in cake. This time the cake turned into a cake fight, which I hear is also a common occurrence. His dad is the one who actually started it. You know, writing this just made me realize that this town is really full of oddballs. I wonder if it's a state-wide thing or just limited to the Seattle area. Maybe that's why the newspaper is called The Stranger, holy shit did I solve this mystery or what? This must be why Bro chose to move here, to this holy land of weirdos. You must make a pretty good living here, doc. 

Most people went home after the cake fight, but I just took a shower and borrowed some of John's clothes. The guy has a full walk-in closet, I kid you not. We ended up watching a movie, just me, Rose, John and Karkat. Rose and John excused themselves at some point and by the time they came back, Karkat was sleeping on my shoulder and drooling all over John's shirt and Rose snapped a picture. I'm sure she meant to hold onto it for blackmail purposes, but I don't care if the whole world sees it. It was super cute.

So that's how my Tuesday went. Somehow, I think everything is gonna be alright.

DS


	33. Day 17 (Wednesday, Afternoon): Computer-illiter8 Losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait! These irc chapters will be the death of me x_x
> 
> If you have a hard time making out Rose's lines towards the end because of the yellow highlighting, here's a nifty little trick: if you click outside of the window, the highlighting will switch to grey.

You have joined the board INTRO TO COMPUTER SCIENCE.

You have joined room #INTERMEDIARY GROUP as a computer-illiter8 loser.

Computer-illiter8 losers  
Felicity F. Peixe (@annoying8oatPuns)  
John Egbert (@dorkf8ce)  
Tereza P. Ropey (@8ffs4eva)  
Sheridan Ampora (@c8peDouche)  
Stavros Nitram (@l8meCry8a8y)  
Kareem Vantas (@goHomeET!!!!!!!!)  
David J. Strider (@redEyedA8omin8tion)

redEyedA8omin8tion: wtf  
c8peDouche: wwhat happened  
dorkf8ce: looks like mariska shenanigans!  
goHomeET!!!!!!!!: WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO LET SPIDERFACE NEAR A PROGRAMMABLE PIECE OF GRUBTECH? OR WHATEVER OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY YOU PRIMITIVE GLOBEFONDLERS EMPLOY TO POWER THESE RIDICULOUS SINGLE-STATE ELECTRON FLOW DEVICES.  
goHomeET!!!!!!!!: AND WHAT THE DOUCHEWRIGGLING FUCK IS AN "ET"?  
dorkf8ce: he's an adorable alien character from an 80s classic!  
redEyedA8omin8tion: dont lie to him egbert  
redEyedA8omin8tion: its about a penis monster trying to place an outrageously long distance phone call

Guest (@guest) has joined the room!

dorkf8ce: no it's not! it's a sweet and moving tale of interplanetary friendship.  
goHomeET!!!!!!!!: WTF IS THAT THING? IT LOOKS LIKE A DRIED OUT SHELLBEAST WITH THE SHELL REMOVED!  
Guest: Are we talking about Alf, ET or Mac and Me?  
goHomeET!!!!!!!!: HOLY BURNING CROTCHPIMPLE, YOU GUYS MADE MORE OF THESE ABOMINATIONS?!  
annoying8oatPuns: @guest, t)(ey're debaiting -ET's looks and cinematic value.  
Guest: I see. I would have described him as a hairless kangaroo with laryngitis and unique biking skills.  
dorkf8ce: hi rose!  
c8peDouche: wwhos the guest  
annoying8oatPuns: @guest: Cod, S)(eridan! T)(e teac)(er JUST got done carping aboat it. S)(e's Davit's cousin!  
l8meCry8a8y: sORRY BUT, hIS NAME IS DAVID, nOT DAVIT, oR DAVE AS HE LIKES TO BE CALLED,, uNLESS DAVIT WAS ONE OF YOUR ANNOYING BOAT PUNS, wHICH, aRE NOT ANNOYING, sO MUCH AS OBSCURE AND,, I GUESS, a LITTLE CONFUSING,  
Guest: Dirk has graciously agreed to let me sit in on his classes.  
l8meCry8a8y: aLSO, sHOULDN'T WE GET STARTED ON THIS ASSIGNMENT,,,  
Guest: Why am I listed among the "computer-illiter8"?  
Guest: And why do I have the only non-embarassing screen name?  
8ffs4eva: 1T LOOKS L1K3 M4R1SK4 FOUND TH3 SOLUT1ON TO L4ST W33KS H4CK1NG CH4LL3NG3  
8ffs4eva: SH3 CH4NG3D P3OPL3S N4M3S 1N TH3 OTH3R GROUPS 4LSO  
annoying8oatPuns: I t)(oug)(t she was all barque and no bight, but s)(e kaeps coaming up wit)( moor ways to )(arrass Davit and Karkat. S)(e mast )(ave some deep sea-ted anc)(or issues!  
c8peDouche: she wwont stop messin wwith me either  
8ffs4eva: YOU D3S3RV3 1T SO 1T DO3SNT COUNT  
annoying8oatPuns: @Stavros - a barque is a kind of boat, a big)(t is a kind of rope used on a boat, a kaep is ANOT)(ER type of boat, t)(e coaming is t)(e part t)(at serves as a railing and keeps t)(e water out, mooring means tying t)(e boat to somet)(ing, t)(e ways are t)(e wooden rails s)(ips are launc)(ed from or repaired on, a davit is a crane used to get t)(ings off t)(e boat, a mast is a post t)(at )(olds sails, an anc)(or keeps t)(e boat in one place, and deep sea is self-explanatory! *catc)(es breat)(*  
l8meCry8a8y: i DIDN'T, rEALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT,,,  
annoying8oatPuns: @S)(eridan - to be )(onest, your cape does make yaw look like a deck)(ead 38/  
c8peDouche: not that again  
c8peDouche: wwhy does evveryone keep hatin on the cape  
redEyedA8omin8tion: its just objectively awful bro  
redEyedA8omin8tion: and you dont have the irony cred to pull it off  
Guest: I'm sorry, but I have to concur.  
c8peDouche: none a ya guys understand fashion  
dorkf8ce: dude, we're both guilty of wearing hipster glasses but even i think the cape is taking the movement too far...  
l8meCry8a8y: i ALSO DON'T THINK, sHE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SAY WORDS LIKE, lAME, tO A DISABLED PERSON  
annoying8oatPuns: O)( my gas)(! I )(adn't noticed t)(at. I'm s)(ore s)(e didn't mean it that way! 38C  
8ffs4eva: HON3STLY, SH3 PROB4BLY D1D... >:[  
dorkf8ce: that's really mean! i think you should complain to the teacher.  
l8meCry8a8y: mAYBE I WILL, aFTER CLASS,  
annoying8oatPuns: Maybe you s)(ouldn't say any-fin. I know Mariska, s)(e )(ATES tattle tales... I as)(ore you she w)(eel retaliate!  
l8meCry8a8y: fOR NOW, i THINK WE SHOULD FOCUS ON GETTING THIS WORK DONE,,,  
goHomeET!!!!!!!!: THIS IS STUPID.

goHomeET!!!!!!!! set the room topic to VRISKA CAN SUCK OUR COLLECTIVE BONE BULGES

goHomeET!!!!!!!!'s nickname was changed to KARKAT!

dorkf8ce: sweet!  
l8meCry8a8y: hOW DID YOU DO THAT,  
8ffs4eva: Y34H T3LL US YOUR S3CR3TS >:]  
KARKAT: I ASKED SOLLUX AND HE UNLOCKED A BUNCH OF FUNCTIONS FOR US. JUST WRITE /NICK AND THEN THE USERNAME YOU WANT. YOU CAN ALSO START A PRIVATE CHAT WITH SOMEONE BY WRITING /CHAT AND THEN THEIR USERNAME.

guest's nickname was changed to Rose!  
dorkf8ce's nickname was changed to john!  
annoying8oatPuns's nickname was changed to boatPunsFTW!  
l8meCry8a8y's nickname was changed to sTAVROS!  
c8peDouche's nickname was changed to sheridan!  
8ffs4eva's nickname was changed to T3R3Z4!  
redEyedA8omin8tion's nickname was changed to ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem!

john: haha!  
Rose: That's quite a mouthful! I approve regardless.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: thats the way the ladies like it  
john: hidden behind shades / dave's irises have driven / mariska insane  
Rose: Well done, John! I never knew you had an artistic side.  
T3R3Z4: COOLK1D'S SW33T 3Y3B4LLS / L1K3 D3L1C1OUS CH3RRY P13 / G3T 1N MY B3LLY  
sheridan: that reads like fourth-grader garbage  
T3R3Z4: >:O  
sTAVROS: pICKING ON ME AND MY HOMIES, iT DON'T MATTER SHE DON'T GET TO SEE, tHE COLOR OF THOSE IRISES THAT ONLY THOSE WHO MASTER, iRONY CAN SPORT, tHAT MUST UPSET HER A LOT, uH, dAVE THINKS HE'S A HOT SHOT WITH HIS AVIATORS AND THE CLASS AGREES  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: damn son  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: look at them rhymes line up  
john: i must give you a reluctant tip of the hat! your poem blows mine out of the water  
boatPunsFTW!: 38D  
sTAVROS: tHANKS,, i GUESS BUT I'M NO POET, jUST CALL IT LIKE I SEE IT VRISKA'S OUT OF HER DEPTH IF SHE THINKS SHE CAN MESS WITH MY CREW, i'M GONNA STAND UP FOR YOU, fIGURATIVELY OF COURSE CAUSE MY ASS IS STUCK TO THIS CHAIR BUT THIS L8MER CAN KICK HER DERRIÈRE  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: *whistles* thats what im talkin bout  
T3R3Z4: Y34H Y34H, YOU GUYS C4N BOND OV3R SH1TTY R4P LYR1CS L4T3R  
T3R3Z4: YOU C4N'T T3LL M3 YOU H4V3N'T B33N CUR1OUS TO S33 D4V3'S 3Y3S!  
sheridan: wwhy wwould wwe be curious? evveryone already knows theyre red  
boatPunsFTW!: We don't know t)(at fore s)(ore!  
T3R3Z4: OF COURS3 TH3Y'R3 R3D. WHY 3LS3 WOULDN'T H3 3V3R T4K3 H1S SUNGL4SS3S OFF?  
john: i don't know, his shades are pretty sweet. i probably would want to wear them a lot, too.  
boatPunsFTW!: Maybe )(e's just koi?  
KARKAT: OR HE JUST LIKES TO PISS OFF NOSY FEMALES WHO CAN'T KEEP THEIR SQUAWKERS SHUT.  
T3R3Z4: >:P  
Rose: I know the answer, but I wouldn't want to spoil it for the rest of the audience.  
john: tease!  
john: (i'm just kidding.)  
sTAVROS: i THINK, wE ALL NEED TO SHUT UP ABOUT DAVE'S EYES AND DO THIS ASSIGNMENT, sO THAT WE'RE NOT THE ONES WHO END UP IN TROUBLE,,  
Rose: Good point. There are only twenty minutes left, you should really get started.  
sTAVROS: yOU'RE PARTICIPATING IN THE CLASS, sO YOU NEED TO HELP OUT AS WELL,  
KARKAT: NOW *TAVROS* IS GROWING A POSTURE POLE??? THIS HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN THE WEIRDEST WEEK.  
sTAVROS: }:)

\--------------------------------------------------

Rose began chatting with ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem

Rose: Don't laugh, ok? I need to ask you for advice.  
Rose: I'm sure it hasn't escaped your attention that the really hot girl I pointed out in your class photograph is LITERALLY SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: why are you writing in white  
Rose: So she doesn't read this over my shoulder!  
Rose: I haven't been able to utter a single word to her, help me! What do I do?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: i dunno  
Rose: You have to come over here and introduce me.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: i dont even know her  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: stop tweaking and just talk to her  
Rose: And say what?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: nice fangs  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: wanna fuck  
Rose: Vetoed.  
Rose: Also you do realize that if anyone reads over my shoulder now, it will look as though you just propositionned your cousin?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: so what  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: im from the south thats just how we roll over there  
Rose: You're just making it look worse and worse.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: it still weirds me out that youre drooling over this girl all of a sudden  
Rose: Shh! Could you try to not out me to the entire class?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: sorry  
Rose: And like you're one to talk! Did you have fun snuggling with Karkat last night?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: thats different  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: we werent snuggling his head just happened to land on my shoulder when he fell asleep and i couldnt move without waking him up  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: im not so rude as to interrupt a brothers sacred nap time  
Rose: You were sitting awfully close to him.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: so?  
Rose: I saw how you kept rubbing your thumb against his wrist.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: it makes him shiver  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: it's addictive  
Rose: You like him.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: shrug  
Rose: You _like-like_ him.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: maybe i just like having my splendor acknowledged  
Rose: You want to get married and have his babies.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: im not sure our species are compatible that way  
Rose: Ha! He admits it!  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: christ on a motherfucking cracker  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: can you be any more annoying  
Rose: Probably.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: ugh  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: if i help you with kanya will you shut up about me and karkat  
Rose: For a time.  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: compliment her clothes  
Rose: Is that all you've got?  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: she makes them herself  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: tell her about your knitting  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: and help her with her computer she really sucks at this  
Rose: You are the best cousin in the whole world. xx  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: yeah yeah i dont hate you either  
ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem: now get lost

Rose ceased chatting with ifYoureSoObsessedWithMyEyesWhyDontYouWriteMeAPoem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that the formatting is different than on the last group chat (which was on chapter 15, day 10, "Computer Science"). Let me know which version is easier to read.


	34. Day 17 (Wednesday, Afternoon): Suddenly Naked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few minutes in the future, but not many...

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose where are you  
TG: dont go home yet i need you  
TG: i dont know what to do  
TG: you there  
TG: fuck  
TT: Dirk dropped me off at the apartment just a minute ago. What's wrong?  
TG: everything  
TT: It's been 20 minutes since we've seen each other. How did you manage to completely mess up your life in that short period of time?  
TG: i didnt  
TG: mariska did  
TG: i guess its my fault for having this giant fucking weak spot in the first place  
TG: like a fucking target on my face  
TG: its almost amazing that this didnt happen sooner  
TG: but now im naked and hiding from the zombie hordes and karkat wont fucking speak to me  
TT: Whoa. Slow down. Start from the beginning. What happened?  
TG: remember how mariska changed tavs username  
TT: Tavs?  
TG: tav  
TG: stavros  
TT: Oh! Yes, of course I do. Did he stay after class and complain to Dirk?  
TG: yeah  
TG: werent you there for that  
TT: I was speaking with Kanya. Thanks for your help, by the way. I think we really hit it off. She is lovely, and not at all in the way I expected.  
TG: ok i dont know what that means but glad its working out for you  
TG: im not sure how youre hoping to pursue this when you live on opposite sides of the country but whatever  
TT: Don't be silly. We just had a conversation, it's not like I asked her to be my long distance girlfriend.   
TG: back to the issue at hand  
TT: Yes, I'm dying to know how you got yourself surrounded by zombies.  
TT: In your birthday suit, no less.  
TG: its a chilling tale  
TT: I bet it is. Let's hope your current hiding spot isn't too drafty!  
TT: You mentionned Mariska, so I presume Stavros's complaint got her in trouble.  
TG: yeah  
TG: she got called to the principals  
TG: along with equius who apparently got in trouble for using ethnic slurs  
TT: Who's Equius?  
TG: zack quies  
TG: he was in class with us earlier but you probably didnt notice him cause he was sitting in the back  
TG: hes on the advanced team with mariska and sollux  
TT: Oh I think I know who you mean. Tall guy, long hair? He always hangs out with Nikeeta.  
TG: i think so yeah  
TT: I'm not surprised. He always had a thing against immigrants.  
TG: cause "quies" sounds so typically american  
TT: A lot of prejudice stems from fear and feelings of inadequacy.  
TG: its only wednesday can we not talk about psychology  
TG: i get another three days of ignorant bliss before im forced to plunge fuck deep into the feelings pool  
TT: I'm curious. Why do you call him Equius?  
TG: i dunno i think everyone calls him that because his middle name starts with e and hes like obsessed with horses  
TT: I see. Doesn't it seem like each class has one kid who's obsessed with horses?  
TG: no? idk who cares  
TG: actually now that i think about it im pretty sure youre right  
TG: all of these people are secretly into horse dicks right  
TG: that would explain why the internet can never really be free of bestiality  
TG: talk about feelings of inadequacy right there  
TT: Focus, please.   
TG: right  
TG: im a little frazzled right now i havent been without my shades in so fucking long  
TT: Why, what happened to your shades?  
TG: mariska broke them  
TT: !!!  
TG: i know, fuck  
TG: theyre my babies i barely even go to sleep without them  
TT: I can't believe she did that. Wasn't she already in trouble?  
TG: she had some kind of fight with equius and she was pissed about being sent to the principals with him  
TG: and she knew it had to be because of our group  
TG: so she retaliated  
TG: just as felicity warned us she would  
TG: she threw johns stuff on the floor then she tore the sleeve off of tavs shirt and got a hold of my shades and fucking crumpled them  
TG: and then everyone froze because they could see my eyes  
TT: Dave, there's nothing wrong with your eyes.  
TG: i know  
TG: thats the point  
TT: I don't understand why you hide them in the first place. My eyes are my best feature and yours are even prettier.  
TG: no theyre not we have the same color  
TT: They may be the same blue but you have the longer eyelashes and the definition ring. I'm a little envious.  
TG: id trade with anyone  
TG: i hate how people flip out when they find out my eye color  
TG: they all think they know so much about how albinism works  
TG: like oh you cant be a real albino if you dont have red eyes  
TG: why dont you stop wearing contact lenses  
TG: or my favorite: real blue eyes are not THAT blue so yours are obviously fake  
TG: fucking ignorant assholes  
TT: Albinism isn't that common, Dave. It's not so suprising that most people don't know much about it.  
TG: its not that they dont KNOW about it that bugs me  
TG: its that they cant be bothered to type eight letters into wikipedia  
TG: and they have the gall to correct ME on how pigmentation should work  
TG: like how dare i have pretty blue eyes and mess up their idea of what albinism is  
TG: they do it with my skin too sometimes  
TG: you cant be an albino cause youre not white youre pink!  
TG: no shit im pink i still have blood vessels you fucking bulgeshrivelling puddle of malpighian tube juice!  
TT: What is that?  
TG: i dont know but it feels really fucking good to say  
TT: You said Karkat wasn't speaking to you. What happened?  
TG: thats the most fucked up part  
TG: everyone else was kinda just frozen in place and looking between mariska and i  
TG: trying to figure out what the fuck just happened and probably waiting to see if we were gonna strangle each other or what  
TG: karkat started fucking screaming  
TG: looking right at me and screaming like he was getting dunked in acid   
TG: and then he pushed everyone out of the way and ran off  
TG: and i wasnt able to go after him because everyone started crowding me and asking me questions and fucking TOUCHING ME like now that my eyes are on display its ok to grope me and shit  
TG: and now i cant find him  
TG: he blocked me on pesterchum and i have no other way of getting in contact with him  
TG: i even went to look in the fucking closet and now im hiding in there  
TG: actually hiding because i know the moment i get back to class all of these people will crowd me again and assault me with all sorts of stupid questions  
TG: and i feel so naked without the shades  
TG: i just want to go home  
TT: ...  
TT: *unhug*  
TG: thanks  
TT: Is there anything I can do?  
TG: can you make it as though the last 20 minutes never happened?  
TT: *waves magic wand*  
TT: Oh wait it was just a knitting needle, sorry. Magic continues to be fake.  
TG: sigh  
TT: Do you want me to call your brother?  
TG: ...no  
TT: Are you sure? Maybe he could help.  
TG: im 15 i cant go crying to him for shit like this  
TG: what could he even do  
TT: Well. Nothing at the moment, probably, since he was on his way to the university... But he might be open to buying you another pair of shades upon his return?  
TG: maybe  
TT: I'm really sorry about the way Karkat reacted. I can't presume to know what is going on inside his head, but I'm sure the situation will sort itself out in time.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i hope so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes!! Finally! I was dying to get to this part of the story. I used to have a friend with albinism in high school, and I've been wanting to clear up a few misconceptions about the condition. Looking forward to explaining more about Dave's pretty eyes in the next chapter!


	35. Day 18 (Thursday, Late Morning): Powerpoint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***tv announcer voice*** _Previously on Choosing Insanity:_ Dave's true eye color was revealed and Karkat ran away screaming. Is this the end of this intergalactic relationship? : O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! The semester has barely started and I'm behind on EVERYTHING (x_x)

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

TG: have you heard from karkat  
TA: oh 2hiit you made a trolliian account. KK owe2 me ten buck2.  
TG: why isnt he in school  
TA: he2 not comiing today.  
TA: diid you iin2tall trolliian ju2t 2o you could a2k me thii2?  
TG: is he ok  
TA: not really. he ran home cryiing ye2terday and told hii2 dad he want2 two get home2chooled agaiin.  
TG: fuck  
TG: how did things get this messed up  
TA: you tell me.  
TA: diid anythiing happen?  
TG: you were there bro he just took one look at my eyes and took off screaming  
TA: ii meant a2iide from that, obviiou2ly.  
TA: when we were all hangiing out at john2 the other niight you guy2 2eemed two have gotten clo2er.  
TG: for the last time we werent snuggling karkat just fell asleep that way  
TA: ii diidnt 2ay you were? ii wa2 talkiing about when you two were chattiing by the pool.  
TA: why, diid ii mi22 2omethiing? what happened after ii left?  
TG: i just told you it was nothing  
TA: doe2nt 2ound liike nothiing two me.  
TA: diid he put the move2 on you?  
TG: not really  
TA: he told me you a2ked hiim out the other day.  
TG: that wasnt  
TG: ugh  
TA: iit wa2 a mii22under2tandiing, riight?  
TG: sorry  
TG: i didnt mean to jerk him around i just didnt think hed take it that way  
TA: karkat2 common 2en2e can be a liittle off.  
TG: i know that  
TG: ill still take him if he wants to go  
TG: im a man of my word  
TG: uh that is if he still wants to hang out   
TG: or talk to me at all  
TA: ju2t 2o you know, there2 no concept of homo2exualiity on alterniia.  
TG: uh  
TA: 2omethiing two thiink about.  
TG: ...right  
TG: i dont know if thats even an issue anymore  
TA: have you triied talkiing two hiim?  
TG: he blocked me  
TA: thought 2o.  
TG: every time i think im starting to make sense of this whole alien thing he does something random and totally baffling  
TA: he2 probably feeliing betrayed.  
TG: why?  
TG: i never lied to him  
TG: i never told anybody i had red eyes you all just assumed on your own  
TA: well.  
TA: you do look liike an albiino, you know. miinu2 the eye2.  
TG: thats because i fucking am!  
TG: god you guys are so fucking obtuse  
TA: you can 2top bull2hiittiing me dude, weve all seen your blueberriie2.  
TG: ok first that sounds like the worlds most ridiculous euphemism for balls  
TG: and second, no  
TG: im not doing this  
TG: i will not be educating you fuckers one by one  
TG: get the whole class together and ill graciously consider making ONE fucking educational powerpoint  
TG: otherwise you can all suck my blueberries i am DONE repeating this to every new moron i encounter  
TG: the next time someone accuses me of wearing colored contacts im gonna triple sommersault off the handle SO HARD its gonna lodge itself in their goddamn spine and theyll have to start wearing adult diapers  
TA: damn, kiitten2 got claw2!  
TG: you better believe it bro   
TG: i may LOOK like a sweet little fuzzball but pet me against the grain and i will rip your fucking face off  
TA: ea2y on the piitchfliirting bro.  
TA: leave 2ome for KK, eheheheh.  
TG: yeah see every time one of you uses this term i just envision a farmer holding a pitchfork and like  
TG: trying to leer at me suggestively  
TA: hahahaha.  
TG: which is probably the least sexy thing in the universe  
TA: blackrom ii2 pretty weiird, not gonna liie. you can only fuck people you fiind repul2ive.  
TG: how does that even work???  
TA: heh, iit ju2t doe2.  
TG: you guys are all insane  
TA: alriight dont go anywhere iill ju2t be a miinute  
TG: what are you doing  
TA: a22embliing the cla22

\--------------------------------------------------

ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling trolltechGoghead [TG]

EB: hey bro! we're all getting together to talk about karkat and how we can convince him to come back to school. and also to get educated about powerpoints or something?  
TG: great  
TG: i can see were off to an amazing start

ectoBiologist [EB] invited you to join [ALIIEN IINTEGRATIION PROJECT AKA LET2 GET KK2 A22 BACK IIN 2CHOOL](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)

TG: argh  
TG: fuck you egbert this isnt 2008  
EB: hehehehe.

\--------------------------------------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] opened memo on board ALIIEN IINTEGRATIION PROJECT AKA LET2 GET KK2 A22 BACK IIN 2CHOOL

trolltechGoghead [TG] responded to memo.

TA: ok everyone2 here. let2 2cratch whatever retarded plan you all came up wiith iin the meantiime and 2tart fre2h.  
EB: but our plan was great!  
GC: 1T D1DNT 3V3N M4K3 S3NS3  
TG: rule #1: no serenades  
GA: Surprisingly Nobody Has Suggested That Yet  
AT: aND ALSO, wE DONT HAVE A GUITAR,  
EB: don't listen to dave, he's just sore because his prankster's gambit just took a savage beating!  
GC: H3H3H3 WH4T D1D YOU DO?  
EB: i reintroduced him to one of the 80's greatest musical classics :D  
TG: i got rick rolled right down a fucking CLIFF  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS KIND OF LIKE, hOW I LOST MY LEGS,,,  
AT: mINUS THE PART, wHERE A BABY-FACED REDHEAD SINGS A LOVE DECLARATION, iN A KIND OF SMUG AND INSULTING WAY,  
TC: I ThInK KaRbRo mIgHt aPpReCiAtE A MoThErFuCkEr gEtTiNg lYrIcAl aT HiM.  
TC: SiNcE He's aLl aT BeInG A MoThErFuCkIn eXpErT Of tHe wIcKeD RoMaNtIc sCiEnCeS.  
TG: since when is karkat an expert at romance  
TA: 2eriiou2ly?  
AA: h0w d0 y0u n0t kn0w that  
GC: H3 L1K3S TO T4LK 4BOUT TH3 TOP1C 4T L3NGTH  
EB: yeah, he's seen about a million romantic comedies!  
GA: I Think Its Fair To Say Hes No Stranger To Love  
TC: hOnK :o)  
GA: (Sorry)  
EB: hehe!  
AT: wE COULD, mAYBE TRY TO CONVINCE HIM USING SMOOTH RHYMES, aCCOMPANIED BY SOME TRULY UNDER THE WEATHER BEATS,  
TG: oh yeah lets just have a rap-off in front of his house im sure he would eat that shit up  
TC: RiGhT On, BrOtHeR!   
TA: he2 beiing 2arca2tiic, you riidiiculou2 clownpuppet.   
TC: aWw :o(  
EB: don't be so pessimistic, dave! i'm sure deep down karkat knows that we're never gonna give him up  
GC: N3V3R GONN4 L3T H1M DOWN  
EB: never gonna run arooound and  
AA: l0l   
GC: D3S3RT H1M!  
EB: DESERT YOU!  
EB: him, right. sorry!  
GC: >:O JOHN YOUR3 M3SS1NG UP TH3 SONG  
AA: y0ure lucky karkat isnt here 0r y0u w0uld b0th be banned fr0m the mem0   
CA: kar wwoulda banned us all from the beginnin and spent the rest a the time arguin wwith himself  
EB: haha, that sounds about right!

arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo.

AG: What are you nerds doing?

arachnidsGrip [AG] was banned from memo.

GC: WHY DONT WE JUST GO TO H1S HOUS3 4ND DR4G H1M B4CK BY FORCE?  
TC: LaSt i sPoKe aT HiM He wAs aLl sHaKeD Up lIkE A BoTtLe oF FaYgO. MiGhT WaNnA GiVe a bRoThEr sOmE TiMe tO UnFiZz.  
GC: >:?  
TC: SoMeTiMeS ThErE'S NeEd aS To lEt tHe cOnTeNtS SeTtLe bEfOrE YoU GeT YoUr cHuG On.  
AT: uHHH,  
TC: OtHeRwIsE ThInGs mIgHt gEt sTiCkY, kNoW WhAt i'm sAyIn?  
AT: tHAT ANALOGY IS, pRETTY TERRIBLE,,,  
AA: d0es any0ne kn0w why he just ran away screaming 0_0  
CC: Yea)(, w)(y did )(e flipper out like t)(at? 38C  
TA: ii a2ked hiim  
TA: two 2um up, he expected dave2 eye2 two look liike thii2: <http://i.imgur.com/GNls2c2.jpg>  
TA: and they turned out two look liike that: <http://i.imgur.com/8L6E2Ue.jpg>  
CC: But t)(at's w)(at we ALL expected!  
CA: i think hes right to be upset  
CA: its a case a false advvertisin  
GC: Y3S D4V3  
GC: 3XPL41N WHY YOU DONT LOOK L1K3 TH1S 4DOR4BL3 BUNNY R4BB1T >:[  
TA: ii wa2 ju2t gettiing two that, cant you hold your hoofbea2t2 for one gogdamn miinute?  
TA: dave ha2 graciiou2ly offered two educate our iignorant a22e2 on the topiic of albiino2.  
TA: 2o ii need you all two 2hut up for a miinute.  
TA: and 2iince you iidiiot2 cant be tru2ted two control your iimpul2e2 for that long iim mutiing all of you untiil he2 done talkiing.

twinArmageddons [TA] set mode/#ALIIEN IINTEGRATIION PROJECT AKA LET2 GET KK2 A22 BACK IIN 2CHOOL [-vvvvvvvvv adiosToreador [AT] apocalypseArisen [AA] arsenicCatnip [AC] caligulasAquarium [CA] cuttlefishCuddler [CC] ectoBiologist [EB] gallowsCallibrator [GC] grimAuxiliatrix [GA] terminallyCapricious [TC]]

TA: dave, you have the floor. knock your2elf out.  
TG: fine  
TG: im only gonna say this once and if you fuckers dont believe me after that i dont care  
TG: first off people can have partial or full albinism  
TG: full albinism comes in two flavors  
TG: it can be just in the eyes or it can be everywhere  
TG: ive got the full everywhere kind which is why my skin is so pale  
TG: thats PALE not WHITE because im actually a live human being with blood vessels and all  
TG: i know this is shocking but despite my amazing physique i am not a marble statue  
TG: im sorry that you wont be able to commission a copy for your living room but know that it would likely have been a pale imitation of the original  
TG: ...yeah  
TG: lets pretend i didnt just make that pun and move on  
TG: the reason im pale is that i dont produce melanin  
TG: melanin is a pigment responsible for the colors black, brown and only SOME shades of yellow  
TG: which is why my hair is a light blonde and not white like fucking inuyasha  
TG: ANIME ISNT REAL  
TG: also some albinos are redheads get over it  
TG: now i know your world just tilted on its axis already but listen closely  
TG: people with full albinism have BLUE EYES  
TG: even the black kids do  
TA: (you 2ure about that bro?)   
TA: (ii aiint never 2een no black kiid wiith blue eye2 ii2 all iim 2ayiing...)  
TG: well they exist  
TG: this isnt a strictly caucasian phenomenon  
TG: if it were there probably wouldnt be caucasians in the first place but you know what im not gonna start debating our evolutionary roots cause frankly i dont care enough  
TG: lets just dispel this fucking myth and call it a day we can do unicorns some other time  
TA: (can you not phra2e iit liike that, iim gettiing 2ome real uncomfortable iimagery iinvolviing equiiu2 and magiical hor2e2...)  
TG: ew gross no  
TG: shut up  
TA: (thii2 dii2cu22iion wiill be pretty moot iif we all end up gougiing out our fuckiing eye2)  
TG: thats why i need you to shut up  
TG: now i know youve seen photos of albinos with red eyes but guess what  
TG: YOU have also had red eyes in photos at some point  
TA: (oh 2nap! 2o many braiin2 explodiing.)  
TG: thats literally all the fucking rumors are based on  
TG: something that occasionally happens to EVERYBODY  
TG: our pigment layer is pretty thin so we red-eye in pictures more easily thats all  
TG: maybe if the sun is like directly in our eyes you might catch a glimpse of red but thats it  
TG: sorry to burst all of your precious little bubbles  
TG: try to contain your disappointment  
TA: (iim gonna cry my2elf two 2leep toniight.)  
TG: so yeah  
TG: im not wearing contacts this is my real color youre just gonna have to deal with the fact that im a gorgeous beast and all your girlfriends will want to fuck me now  
TG: the only thing that is true about our eyes being fucked up is that albinism comes with light sensitivity and all sorts of vision problems  
TG: my shades were prescription  
TG: and mariska owes me 500$  
TA: (oh 2hiit!)  
TG: the end  
TG: feel free to all gasp in shock or whatever  
TA: 2hiit, 2on. that wa2 a hell of a rant.  
TG: damn straight  
TG: i should charge you a speakers fee

twinArmageddons [TA] set mode/#ALIIEN IINTEGRATIION PROJECT AKA LET2 GET KK2 A22 BACK IIN 2CHOOL [+vvvvvvvvv adiosToreador [AT] apocalypseArisen [AA] arsenicCatnip [AC] caligulasAquarium [CA] cuttlefishCuddler [CC] ectoBiologist [EB] gallowsCallibrator [GC] grimAuxiliatrix [GA] terminallyCapricious [TC]]

TA: alriight all of you a22hole2 can talk now. try not two blow up the miic.   
EB: man. i feel pretty stupid right now!  
GA: I Am Feeling Rather Foolish As Well  
AC: :33 < *AC appurroaches dave with her ears down and offurs a contrite apawlogy.*  
TG: dont worry about it  
TG: dave awkwardly pats the cats head or whatever  
AC: :33 < purrrrrrrrrrrrr  
TG: nm i take it back that just got instantly uncomfortable  
GC: W3LL *1M* STILL D1S4PPO1NT3D TH4T YOUR 3Y3S DONT T4ST3 L1K3 CH3RRY >:[  
TG: you and karkat both apparently  
AC: :33 < *AC sniffs at GC's pawful catitude.*  
GC: H3Y! >:O  
CA: maybe kar is just upset because hes back to bein the only freak around  
GA: Neither One Of Them Is A Freak  
CA: then wwhy is terezas friend shovvin them into lockers and breakin all their shit   
GC: H3Y 1 D1DNT KNOW SH3 W4S GO1NG TO BULLY K4RK4T  
GC: UH  
GC: OR D4V3  
GC: SORRY D4V3 >:/  
TG: again dont worry about it  
TA: yeah? what about u2?  
EB: that's right, i was enjoying that lunch before it started dripping down my face!  
GC: NOBODY W4S SUPPOS3D TO G3T HURT  
AC: :33 < purrhaps you should have thought about that befur spurreading rumroars.  
GC: 1 B4R3LY 3V3N S41D 4NYTH1NG! 1T W4S MOSTLY M4R1SK4 4ND F3L1C1TY  
CC: It's not my fault! I just got -EXCIT-ED!  
TG: its fine whatever  
TG: water under the bridge  
TC: I DiDn't rEaLlY GeT My lIsTeN oN Of ThE ScIeNtIfIc eXpLaNaTiOn bUt i fEeL At cHiLl wItH YoUr pEePeRs aLl bEiNg mOtHeRfUcKiN CoLoRfUl aNd sHiT, bRo.  
TG: did you hear that folks everythings fine now ive got ramseys seal of chill as fuck approval  
TG: put that in your bong and smoke it  
TC: HaHa, AmEn tO ThAt, mY FrIeNd!  
GA: Dave I Must Admit That Part Of Me Also Enjoyed The Idea Of Having A Classmate With Supernatural Irises  
GA: But This Color Suits You As Well  
GA: You Look Very Handsome

\--------------------------------------------------

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: fyi your gf just called me handsome  
TT: Of course she did, since your looks marginally resemble mine. Did you really have to create a Trollian account for this feeble attempt at "trolling"?  
TG: oops gotta go bell just rang  
TT: How convenient.  


trolltechGoghead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

\--------------------------------------------------

GC: LUNCHT1M3!!! >:D  
TC: It's pIzZa dAy, We'd bEtTeR GeT OuR HuRrY On.  
AC: :33 < the mighty huntress bounds towards her ch33sy prey!

arsenicCatnip [AC] stopped responding to memo.

CC: W)(elk! Time to run.

gallowsCallibrator [GC] stopped responding to memo.  
cuttlefishCuddler [CC] stopped responding to memo.

AT: sO LONG, sUCKAS,,  
CA: fef wwait

caligulasAquarium [CA] stopped responding to memo.  
adiosToreador [AT] stopped responding to memo.  
terminallyCapricious [TC] stopped responding to memo.

TG: who all is left  
TG: john?  
EB: sorry bro, pizza calls!  
EB: i'll save you a seat.

ectoBiologist [EB] stopped responding to memo.

GA: Um  
GA: I Need To Hurry Up As Well Before They Run Out Of Vegetarian Slices  
TA: nobody eat2 that 2hiit except you.

grimAuxilliatrix [GA] stopped responding to memo.

AA: s0rry s0llux im g0ing t00  
AA: ill meet y0u at 0ur sp0t later  
TA: 2ure babe.  
AA: 0x0

apocalypseArisen [AA] stopped responding to memo.

TG: daww  
TA: look2 liike iit2 ju2t u2. arent you gonna ru2h off two?  
TG: heh i eat pizza at home more often than not  
TG: ill just get a sandwich or something  
TG: what about you  
TA: ii pack my own lunch  
TG: fancy  
TA: 2hut up.  
TA: 2o.  
TA: diid iit go the way you wanted?  
TG: what  
TA: we diidnt have tiime two fiigure out a way to briing KK back, but at lea2t you got your me22age out...  
TG: yeah  
TG: thanks for that i guess  
TG: i mean the priority was to get back on speaking terms with our resident troll but  
TG: you know  
TA: KK ii2 a huge drama queen. iif you giive hiim tiime two calm down iim 2ure hell come around.  
TA: probably.  
TG: wow im just brimming with confidence all of a sudden  
TA: hey iim ju2t telliing iit liike iit ii2.  
TG: i still dont understand what he got so upset about  
TG: why is my eye color such a big deal  
TA: he told you hii2 2ecret, diidnt he? dont you thiink he expected you two be upfront about your2?  
TG: the troll thing? bro, EVERYBODY knows about that  
TA: no.  
TA: the blood color thiing.  
TG: you mean the fact that his blood is exactly the same color as everone elses ever  
TA: 2iigh.  
TA: you 2tiill dont beliieve he2 a troll, do you.  
TG: of course i dont  
TA: then maybe thii2 i2 for the be2t.  
TG: i mean  
TG: i believe that HE believes it  
TG: thats what counts isnt it  
TA: iin what uniiver2e?  
TG: look im not gonna start pretending i see aliens everywhere when i dont  
TG: i dont know what you want from me bro  
TA: ii want you not two break hii2 blood-pu2her, you get me?  
TG: weve known each other for all of 18 days  
TA: you count them?  
TG: no  
TA: diid you hear that? that2 me quiirkiing an eyebrow at you so hard iit made a crackiing noii2e.  
TG: just  
TG: fuck  
TG: look i dont even know that we were heading in like  
TG: THAT direction  
TG: i just like hanging out with him and stuff  
TA: and 2tuff.  
TG: human bro stuff  
TG: not weird alien gaymance stuff  
TA: heh.  
TA: maybe YOU werent gonna go there, but ii know karkat.  
TG: whats that supposed to mean  
TA: iif you dont want hiim two get 2eriiou2, you miight wanna drop out of the race early on.  
TG: hey im not racing  
TG: im just moving at a leisurely pace  
TG: you cant even call it a jog  
TG: my sweat remains unbroken  
TA: you know what youre doiing.  
TA: ju2t 2top humoriing hiim, a22hat.  
TG: dont wanna  
TA: god youre 2o annoyiing  
TG: yup  
TG: it grows on you though  
TG: give it time  
TA: iid giive you the whole 2peech about how iif you hurt hiim iill make you regret iit, but youve already 2ent hiim runniing away iin tear2, 2o.  
TG: that wasnt my fault  
TA: ii dont care who2e fault iit wa2, ju2t FIIX IIT.  
TG: how  
TG: hes not talking to me remember  
TA: iill giive you a riide two hii2 place after 2chool.  
TG: you can drive?  
TA: duh.  
TG: and what do i do when we get there  
TA: you fiigure iit out, eiin2teiin.

twinArmageddon [TA] closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me at least ONE of you clicked on the video link! Haha.
> 
> For those who want to see more (at lot more) of Dave, I have started a second (dirtier) fic called Reaching God Tier. This one happens in-game so Dave has the canon red eyes. Here is the link (NSFW): <http://archiveofourown.org/works/7914937>


	36. Day 18 (Thursday, Late Afternoon): Acorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that classes are done for the day and everyone is fully briefed on the topic of albinism, Sollux drops off our blue-eyed Dave at one freaked-out alien's doorstep.

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

TG: get back here you dick  
TA: ii fiigured you could apologiize on your own liike a biig boy. diid you want me two 2tay and hold your hand?  
TG: no i want you to not take off at full speed the moment im out of your car like im some flaming bag of shit you just dropped on someones doorstep  
TA: at lea2t ii wa2 niice enough not two 2et you on fiire.  
TG: and im not gonna apologize to karkat ive got nothing to apologize for  
TA: whatever. iive got better thiings two do than watch you guy2 kii22 and make up.  
TG: you think im here for smoochies  
TG: do you see a dozen roses behind my back  
TA: iif you wanted to 2top by the florii2t2 you 2hould have 2aiid 2o earliier, ehehehehe.  
TG: yeah thats hilarious bro  
TG: how am i supposed to get home without a ride  
TA: gue22 youll have to 2uck up two KK untiil he let2 you 2tay over!  
TG: yeah thats totally a thing thats gonna happen  
TG: when a guy takes one look at you and runs away screaming thats almost always code for lets have a pajama party ill race you to my house  
TA: now youre gettiing iit!  
TG: ass  
TA: have fun braiidiing each other2 haiir.  


trolltechGoghead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

TG: hes not answering the door  
TA: knock harder.  
TG: bro if i knock any harder this doors gonna have me arrested for battery  
TG: hes probably not even home  
TA: he2 home.  
TG: then he clearly doesnt want to talk to me  
TA: no 2hiit.  
TG: this was a stupid idea  
TG: can i go home now  
TA: 2ure, iif you want two walk.  
TG: you suck  


trolltechGoghead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkles  
TG: open up  
TG: its the star quarterback  
TG: ive come to take you to the prom  


twinArmageddon [TA] began trolling trolltechGoghead [TG]

TA: you 2uck wor2e. you 2uck aliien ball2.  
TG: you would know  
TG: thats the kind of kinky porn youre into right  
TA: iim not watchiing anythiing that feature2 your ugly mug. thii2 ii2 ju2t common knowledge.  
TG: of course it is  
TG: my tongue skills are renowned throughout the galaxy  
TG: first thing aliens do after they park their spaceship is ask for the dave special  
TA: ii ju2t 2norted thii2 2hiitty 2oda everywhere. thank2 a lot.  
TG: how are you driving texting and drinking soda at the same time  
TA: ii have multiiple talent2. iim about to eat a sandwiich too.  
TG: ...  
TG: youre parked at the deli right around the corner arent you  
TA: fiine you got me iim at the 2tupiid place wiith the overpriiced 2andwiiche2.  
TG: aww were you secretly worried about me  
TA: more liike ii cant tru2t you not two fuck up.  
TG: thats adorable bro  
TA: iim about a2 adorable a2 a pe2tiilent alliigator 2o FUCK YOU.  
TG: theres actually a soft squishy heart under all those tsundere layers   
TA: fiine iim not a total diick, whatever. theyve got free wiifii here and there2 2omethiing ii want two fiiniish codiing 2o iim not comiing two re2cue you for at lea2t two hour2. patch thiing2 up wiith KK or dont, ii dont care.  
TG: youre sure hes home  
TA: ye2!  
TG: fine ill give it another shot  


trolltechGoghead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

trolltechGoghead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: come on man  
TG: youre making me look stupid out here  
TG: here i was all ready to take you to the school dance  
TG: i rented a tux and everything  
CG: I CAN SEE YOU FROM THE WINDOW, ASSHOLE.  
TG: oh great there you are  
TG: you gonna let me in any time soon  
CG: I WASN'T PLANNING ON IT, NO.  
TG: my fist is getting sore dude  
CG: THEN QUIT PUMPING YOUR OWN BULGE LIKE A QUADRANTLESS PILE OF PIMPLY CRAP STRUCK BY THE PUBERTY FAIRY.  
TG: haha ouch  
TG: baby why you gotta be so mean to me  
CG: WHY DON'T YOU LEAK DISMAY FLUID UNTIL A MOAT SURROUNDS MY HIVE.  
TG: would that make you happy  
TG: do you want to play princess in the castle  
TG: open the window rapunzel let me climb your hair  
CG: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! I'M DONE INDULGING YOUR INANE BLABBER. IF YOU'RE SO DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION, GO POST SHITTY SELFIES ON INSTAGRAM.  
TG: you dont know what a giraffe is but youve heard of instagram?  
CG: WHAT, YOU THINK YOUR SPECIES WAS THE FIRST TO COME UP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA? GET OVER YOURSELF. WE'VE PIONEERED PLENTY OF TERRIBLE IDEAS. OUR TECHNOLOGY IS SO FAR BEYOND YOURS, YOUR THINK SPONGE WOULD EXPLODE IF YOU COULD ONLY GRASP THE VASTNESS OF THE RIFT THAT SEPARATES US.  
TG: so close and yet so far  
TG: how about opening the door so we can start bridging the gap  
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF.  
TG: you just told me to stop jerking it  
TG: make up your mind bro  
CG: SIIIIIGH. WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GO AWAY?  
CG: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE. YOUR SCHEME FAILED, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT? IF YOU THINK I'LL FALL FOR YOUR ACT NOW, YOU ARE AS DUMB AS A WIGGLER ON HATCH DAY AND TWICE AS DELUSIONAL.  
TG: i just want to talk  
CG: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.  
TG: at least tell me what i did to piss you off this much  
CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW??? UNBELIEVABLE. I KNEW YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES WAS RETARDED BUT YOU MUST BE THE WORST OF THE LOT.  
TG: enlighten me then  
CG: WHY WOULD I WASTE MY BREATH!?  
TG: good point you hyperventilate enough as it is  
CG: OH SO YOU CAME TO MOCK ME, IS THAT IT?  
TG: look im just here to make sure youre ok  
CG: YOUR CONCERN IS SO TOUCHING. PLIP, PLOP. NOTE THE DRIPPING SARCASM.  
TG: believe it or not i actually care about people sometimes  
CG: I'M FINE. GO AWAY.  
TG: i need visual confirmation  
CG: NO, YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE PALE FOR ME SO I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.  
TG: wtf are you talking about  
TG: i am pale dude look at me  
TG: im the palest bro who ever paled on the pale end of the palest pail  
CG: OH MY GOG, ARE YOU AWARE OF THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? DID YOUR POOP CHUTE AND SHOUT TUNNEL SOMEHOW GET INVERTED DURING THE GROSS HATCHING RITUAL YOU CALL BIRTH?  
CG: FIRST OF ALL I KNOW YOU HAVE NEVER PAILED, NO ONE COULD WITHSTAND YOUR PRESENCE LONG ENOUGH TO TRADE GENETIC MATERIAL WITH YOU, LET ALONE FILL ANY KIND OF RECEPTACLE!  
TG: i have no idea what youre saying dude  
CG: YOU MAY NOT BE THE MUTANT YOU PRETENDED TO BE BUT YOU'RE STILL JUST AS MUCH OF A SOCIAL PARIAH AS I AM.  
TG: you dont have to feel sorry for me i like my pariahood just fine  
CG: I AM NOT PITYING YOU, YOU EGOTISTICAL BARFSACK!!!  
CG: I'M TELLING YOU THAT I NO LONGER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH YOU, NOW GET LOST.  
TG: youve been sticking to me like glue ever since i moved here  
CG: THAT WAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE YOU CLEARLY ARE NOT.  
TG: so youre saying the only reason youve been talking to me is that you thought we were mutation buddies  
TG: and now that im not messed up enough for you to commiserate with you dont need me anymore is that it  
CG: NO I'M SAYING YOU'RE A LIAR AND A FRAUD AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR YOUR PSEUDO-ROMANTIC, BOUNDARY-BLURRING ACT!  
TG: ok putting the romance accusations aside  
TG: like waaaay over there behind that house with the ugly yellow siding so no one will touch them  
TG: seriously i bet even their dog wouldnt take a piss in that yard  
TG: the mailman probably folds their letters into paper planes so he doesnt have to get close  
CG: DID YOU JUST COME HERE TO RANT ABOUT MY NEIGHBORS OR DOES THIS MONOLOGUE HAVE A POINT???  
TG: the point is  
TG: when did i lie  
CG: WHEN DIDN'T YOU?  
TG: i never said i had red eyes  
TG: people keep deciding that on their own  
CG: YOU PRETENDED TO HAVE RED BLOOD!  
TG: I DO HAVE RED FUCKING BLOOD  
TG: jesus christ why is that so hard for you to believe  
CG: YOU TRICKED ME INTO REVEALING ALL OF MY SECRETS. YOU MADE ME THINK YOU COULD *RELATE*.  
TG: sorry im not an alien bro  
CG: NOT ONLY DO YOU *HAVE* A PLACE ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM, YOU'RE A FUCKING *CYAN*!  
TG: so thats it  
TG: youre breaking up with me because of my eye color  
CG: WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER, ASSHOLE!!!  
TG: it was a joke  
TG: whats so bad about blue anyway  
TG: is this some kind of alien twist on racism  
CG: OH FUCK YOU, YOU DO NOT GET TO ACCUSE *ME* OF BEING DISCRIMINATORY!  
TG: do all the trolls have something against the particular shade im sporting or do you have some kind of personal trauma related to blue skies  
TG: or water  
TG: its water isnt it  
TG: did someone dunk you in a pool  
TG: are you afraid youll drown again if i stare at you too long  
CG:I'VE BEEN TAKING SHIT FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU MY ENTIRE LIFE.  
TG: humans? friends? people with good fashion sense?  
CG: FUCK YOU!!! WE WERE NEVER HATEFRIENDS AND WE NEVER WILL BE!  
TG: maybe we COULD be regular friends if you stopped being a drama queen and opened the door  
CG: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE TRYING TO KILL ME THE MOMENT I OPEN IT???  
TG: holy shit you are fucking insane  
CG: GET OFF MY LAWN RING.  
TG: i will as soon as i can confirm that youre alright  
CG: I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER! IT'S ALMOST AS IF I HADN'T BEEN SPILLING MY ALIMENTARY CANAL TO A FUCKING SPY WITH MIND-CONTROL POWERS! NOW GO AWAY.  
TG: you think i have mind control powers  
CG: WHY ELSE WOULD I LET YOU GET CLOSE TO ME?  
TG: good looks and charm  
CG: DON'T MAKE ME CHOKE ON MY OWN DIGUST CARTILAGE FLAP.  
TG: what makes you think im a spy  
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WON'T CALL YOUR HUMAN PUBLIC ORDER MAINTAINING FORCE AND TELL THEM THERE'S A BELLIGERENT TRESPASSER ON MY PROPERTY?  
TG: the fact that youre convinced theyre in with the mermaid queen or whatever  
CG: FINE. YOU GOT ME. CAN YOU LEAVE NOW? I PREFER TO BE BITTER IN PEACE.  
TG: open the window first  
CG: IF YOU INSIST.  
TG: ouch dude wtf  
CG: JUST DEMONSTRATING MY AIM.  
TG: was that an acorn  
TG: why do you keep acorns on your windowsill  
CG: YOU SEE THIS SICKLE? IT'S GONNA COME FLYING AT YOUR HEAD IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS.  
TG: fine come at me bro  
TG: do your worst  
CG: I'M NOT BLUFFING!  
TG: so do it  
TG: do it  
TG: DO IT  
TG: aiight  
TG: now watch this  
CG: WHAT ARE  
CG: OMG STOP  
CG: DAVE   
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO!?  
TG: du yoi believw mn now  
CG: FUCK  
CG: DON'T MOVE I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!  
CG: DON'T BOLT, OK? IF ANYONE ELSE SEES YOU LIKE THIS IT WILL BE REALLY BAD.  
TG: oon secind thouight tgis may have bewn a dumb move  
CG: NO SHIT!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! JUST STAY THERE, OK? I'M COMING TO GET THE DOOR.  
TG: ithink i miggt need an amulance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you waiting! My schedule is totally insane during the school year.


	37. Day 18 (Thursday, Late Afternoon): Fluid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: if you're not comfortable with suicide talk, please skip the second conversation.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: SOLLUX I NEED HELP.  
TA: 2triider ii2 your problem. iim not gettiing iinvolved.  
CG: YOU *MADE* HIM YOUR PROBLEM THE MOMENT YOU LET HIM INTO YOUR SELF-PROPELLED FOUR-WHEEL DEVICE, ASSHOLE! WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR THINK PAN WHEN YOU DROPPED HIM ON MY DOORSTEP? DID YOU EXPECT US TO REUNITE LIKE A PAIR OF STAR-CROSSED MOIRAILS RUNNING THROUGH A FIELD IN SLOW MOTION??  
TA: yeah, yeah. biitch at me all you want, ii wa2 doiing you both a favor.  
CG: HERE'S AN IDEA: THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO DO ME A FAVOR, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, PUT ON ONE OF YOUR SHITTY VIDEOGAMES AND WAIT FOR THE URGE TO PASS!   
TA: look, you obviiou2ly liike thii2 guy for 2ome fucked up rea2on. quiit beiing a wiiggler about iit.   
TA: whatever he diid two make you all 2ulky and mii2erable, he2 clearly all torn up about iit.  
CG: WELL CONGRATULATIONS, HE JUST WENT FROM TORN UP TO SLICED OPEN.  
TA: 2ay what?  
CG: HE CUT HIMSELF ON MY SICKLE AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
TA: 2hiit. you diidnt attack hiim, diid you?  
CG: NO!  
CG: WELL. I DIDN'T LAND ANY HITS.  
TA: KK.  
CG: I SWEAR! HE JUST DID IT HIMSELF TO PROVE A POINT!  
TA: what poiint would that be?  
CG: THAT HE'S A FUCKING MORON, OBVIOUSLY!!! WHO SLICES THEIR ARM OPEN JUST TO WIN AN ARGUMENT?!  
TA: p2ychopath2?  
CG: PEOPLE WHO FELL OUT OF THEIR COCOONS ONE TOO MANY TIMES, THAT'S WHO!!!  
TA: you know human2 dont actually pupate, riight?  
CG: WHAT DO I KNOW?! I'M JUST A STUPID ALIEN!   
TA: wow KK, calm down.  
CG: DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, THIS IS SERIOUS! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HUMAN BODIES WORK! HOW DO I REPAIR HIM???  
TA: you dont, he2 not a toa2ter.  
CG: WHAT THE NOOKSMOKING FUCK IS A TOASTER? ARE YOU TAKING ME SERIOUSLY HERE? I'M TELLING YOU I NEED HELP!  
TA: how bad ii2 iit?  
CG: HE'S BLEEDING ALL OVER MY FLOOR-COVERING FLUFF AND HIS FACE IS PALE AS A LUSUS. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO FAINT.  
TA: iif it2 really pii22iing blood you need two apply pre22ure.  
CG: HE'S DOING THAT. WHAT ELSE? IS IT GOING TO CLOT ON ITS OWN OR DO I NEED TO GRIND ONE OF MY HORNS?  
TA: dont you fuckiing dare! ii dont want two have two patch both of you up.  
CG: HEY! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? I KNOW HOW TO SAND DOWN A FUCKING HORN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. DID YOU THINK I WAS BORN WITH ROUNDED FUCKING NUBS?  
TA: ii know, ju2t tru2t me. dont do anythiing.  
CG: I'M PRACTICALLY AN EXPERT AT IT.  
TA: ju2t waiit for me. iill be riight over.  
CG: WAIT! BEFORE YOU COME OVER, I NEED YOU TO PROMISE ME SOMETHING.  
TA: what?  
CG: YOU'VE HAD MY BACK FOR A LONG TIME. I KNOW I CAN TRUST YOU WITH MY LIFE.  
TA: you got that riight.  
CG: CAN I ALSO TRUST YOU WITH HIS?  
TA: uh. where are you goiing wiith thii2? iim not a doctor, you know.  
CG: JUST... PROMISE ME YOU WOULDN'T TURN HIM IN. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAW.  
TA: oh.  
TA: that2 what youre worriied about? no one ii2 goiing two hurt hiim for haviing red blood, thii2 ii2nt alterniia. all the human2 bleed red, iit2 normal.  
CG: BULLSHIT. I'VE SEEN HIS VEINS BEFORE, THROUGH THE ABSURD PAPERY SKIN ON HIS WRISTS. I TRACED THEM WITH MY FINGERS, FOR THE MOTHER GRUB'S SAKE! THEY WERE *BLUE*. I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS A TRICK OF THE LIGHT AT THE TIME, BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT AT THE TIME, I WAS ACTING LIKE A PITY-DRUNK FOOL. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW DUMB I'VE BEEN. I DIDN'T GET TO SEVEN SWEEPS OLD BY IGNORING THE EVIDENCE IN FRONT OF MY OWN GANDERBULBS!  
TA: youre doiing iit riight now, fuckmunch. he2 not bleediing blue, ii2 he.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, HIS BLOOD TURNED OR SOMETHING! FUCK THIS ASSBACKWARDS SPECIES AND THE GIANT STINKING SPACE TURD THEY STRANDED US ON. JUST TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.   
TA: KK, lii2ten. human blood ii2 not liike troll blood. our2 wa2 more liike iinterstiitiial fluiid, liike iinsect blood. human2 are mammal2, ii mean miilkbea2t2 - iit2 diifferent for them. theiir blood ii2 more liike... iit ha2 dediicated channel2 and 2tuff. made to tran2port oxygen 2peciifiically. a2k harley, iim not good at explaiiniing thii2 2tuff.   
CG: HOW CAN IT BE NORMAL FOR HIM TO BLEED RED WHEN HIS PUPIL-SHIELDING DIAPHRAGMS ARE BLUER THAN A FUCKING BLUEBLOOD'S LEFT SHAME GLOBE?  
TA: thii2 ii2nt the tiime to dii2cu22 thii2.   
CG: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. SO YOU'RE COMING OVER?  
TA: iim pulliing iinto your driiveway riight now.  
CG: AND YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS?  
TA: iit wouldnt make a diifference but ye2, iif iit make2 you feel better, ii promii2e.  
TA: 2o you really are flu2h for thii2 guy?  
CG: WHO SAID THAT?  
TA: you, about 30 2econd2 ago.  
CG: WELL, PAST ME FROM 30 SECONDS AGO WAS AN IDIOT. THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND STRIDER, EXCEPT A RAPIDLY EXPANDING POOL OF FLUID THAT IS APPARENTLY ALMOST ENTIRELY UNLIKE BLOOD.  
TA: 2hiit. where are you?  
CG: UPSTAIRS ABLUTION BLOCK.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.  
TT: You have succumbed to klazomania.  
TG: WHAT? NO.  
TT: You have found a stray iPhone and wish to return it to the spoiled millenial it belongs to in exchange for some equitable financial compensation.  
TG: IS THIS THE ROSE HUMAN?  
TT: That depends. Are you searching for a person named Rose, or some kind of human-flower hybrid?  
TG: SOMETHING TELLS ME TRYING TO CONVERSE WITH A MARLBORO WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL.  
TT: I've been said to have a poisonous tongue on a number of occasions, but I must say this comparison is refreshingly novel.  
TG: YOU REALIZE I'M TALKING ABOUT AN UGLY TENTACLE MONSTER WITH PUTRID BREATH, RIGHT?  
TT: Certainly. I have a fond admiration for the zoologically dubious. Now what can I help you with, Karkat?  
TG: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THIS IS?   
TG: NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.  
TT: I was just randomly dusting off my crystal ball and your name popped up in purple glittery letters.  
TG: YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF BULLSHIT I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT.  
TT: Interesting choice of words. I wasn't aware that freudian stages applied to aliens as well.  
TG: YOU'RE DAVE'S WEIRD SORT OF ANCESTOR-BUT-NOT-REALLY, RIGHT? SOME KIND OF, WHAT. SISTER?  
TT: Not quite a sister, I'm afraid. Though I did witness some of the more embarrassing moments of his childhood. Shall I regale you with some Strider-Lalonde family tales?  
TG: BUT YOU *ARE* RELATED TO HIM, RIGHT? LIKE AN IMPERFECT CLONE?  
TT: As the term "family" implies, I do share some aspects of his genome. Hopefully the less obnoxious ones.  
TG: NOT LIKELY, FROM WHERE I'M STANDING.  
TT: Ha! Very well. I am indeed the person you meant to be contacting. May I ask to what end? Did my dear cousin's constant probing of the proverbial hornet's nest trigger some interplanetary diplomatic incident?  
TG: OF COURSE NOT! NOTHING HAPPENED! IT WAS A COMPLETELY UNEVENTFUL DAY. IN FACT IT WAS SO UNEVENTFUL, I'M UPSET AT ALL THE BOREDOM THAT IS GOING ON.  
TT: If I'm meant to be entertainment, I must warn you, I'm a little out of practice.  
TG: IF I WERE THAT DESPERATE I'D WATCH WALL-COATING SLIME DRY. NO, JUST. DAVE WANTED ME TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HE'S SLEEPING WITH ME TONIGHT.  
TT: ...Is he.  
TT: I must say, I wasn't expecting this particular admission. Does the abbreviation TMI mean anything on your planet?  
TG: I MEAN AT MY HIVE! HE'S SLEEPING WITH ME AT MY HIVE. NOT IN THE SAME RECUPERACOON OR ANYTHING.  
TT: I imagine not. No disrespect to your culture, but I don't think any member of my species could sleep restfully on a platform named after a raccoon.  
TG: WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A PLATFORM. AND WHAT IN TROLL JEGUS'S SEEDFLAP IS A RACCOON?  
TT: It's a kind of furry masked scavenger who is rather uncomfortable to sleep on.  
TG: EARTH CREATURES ARE THE WORST.  
TT: Aren't they just?  
TG: ANYWAY, DAVE IS STAYING OVER AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO IT, SO DON'T GET ANY FUNNY IDEAS.  
TT: Very well. I suppose I forgive him for abandoning me yet again. I'll just have to spend my evening rearranging his records out of alphabetical order.  
TG: HE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TOO.  
TT: I am not so petty as to begrudge my cousin a little intimacy with his alien paramour.  
TG: I ALREADY SAID THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS!!!  
TT: Oh, lighten up. I was only joking, in light of your earlier slip-up.  
TG: HA. HA. HA. LOOK AT ME, I'M MAKING SOUNDS OF MIRTH LIKE SOME DEMENTED JUGGALO IN RESPONSE TO WHAT YOUR SPECIES THINKS QUALIFIES AS HUMOR.  
TT: How very culturally sensitive of you. You can tell Dave I'll see him in the morning. I will be expecting pancakes.  
TG: WAIT. YOU HAVE TO COME OVER. SOLLUX IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY TO PICK YOU UP.  
TT: Your insistence is beginning to raise my suspicions. Unless this stranger keeps candy in his van, I'm afraid I'll have to decline.  
TG: DAVE NEEDS YOU HERE. YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON HE TRUSTS.  
TT: That's not ominous at all. If he needs help burying a body, tell him he's on his own. My hands are too delicate for the shovel.  
TG: IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. HE JUST NEEDS YOU TO BRING SOME THINGS.  
TT: Carrying objects around is what sylladices are for. I may be a small blond female but I do not work for Escargo Express.  
TG: ONE IS A SMALL BOX, LOCATED IN THE ABLUTION BLOCK. IT'S WHITE WITH A RED CROSS ON IT. THE OTHER IS HIS BROTHER'S SEWING KIT.  
TG: ROSE?  
TG: HELLO? ARE YOU GETTING THIS??  
TT: Karkat. Put Dave on.  
TG: HE CAN'T REALLY TYPE AT THE MOMENT.  
TT: Give David the phone RIGHT NOW.  
TG: FINE, WHATEVER! I'M NOT HIS SECRETERRORIST.  
TG: HAVE FUN DECIPHERING THIS GIBBERISH.  
TG: dup  
TG: sup  
TG: sorry hsve to type w my tight hand  
TG: lol tight  
TT: Don't lol me. What happened to your left hand?  
TG: nothin  
TG: i cut my arm doing somethingstupof  
TG: stupid  
TT: How stupid are we talking?  
TG: uoi know the whole down the road not across the street thing  
TT: ...Keep talking.  
TT: Dave?  
TG: oi wen t sown  
TT: If you're trying to freak me out, you're doing a really good job.  
TG: i went down the road  
TT: Please tell me this is a really, really bad joke.  
TG: relax i wasnt truing to kill myself of snuthing i just miscalculated  
TG: im used to fighting with dull seords and his sickle was fiucking sharp i just cut deeper yhan i meant to it was sn amateur mistake  
TG: did you underdtand any of that  
TT: Why were you fighting in the first place?   
TG: it wSnt a dight  
TG: fight  
TT: So you just down-the-roaded your left arm for no reason.  
TG: like i said o was being dumb  
TT: I'm inclined to accept this as fact, but it doesn't explain why you ended up at Karkat's house rather than the emergency room!  
TG: no hospitals  
TG: theyll think i wax trying to slit my fuckinc wrists  
TT: I wonder why!  
TG: they wont let me leave theyll keep me in observatoon  
TT: The worst type of morning cartoon.  
TG: can you insgine   
TG: imagine what will hapoen if cps finds out  
TT: I can. I just don't want to.  
TT: I hate to concede this point, but you're right. I'm so sorry, Dave.  
TG: what for  
TG: you didnt tekk me to make friends with karkats siclle  
TT: How bad is it really?  
TG: its first mnabe fune we judt need a ki stigcj it  
TT: Your typing is beginning to resemble my mother's.  
TG: its gonna be fine we just need to stitch it  
TT: That does not sound "fine". I hope you're not expecting me to do it. It's not like crocheting a scarf, you know!  
TG: bro does it all the time itcant be that hard  
TT: Dirk stitches wounds all the time.  
TG: yea  
TT: I have so many questions about this statement but it seems my personal chauffeur has arrived.  
TG: sweet  
TT: Expect to be thoroughly drilled when I arrive.  
TG: bring the stuff pls  
TG: well figure it out  
TT: Of course. One extended first aid kit coming up.  
TT: And Dave?  
TG: what  
TT: If you ever do attempt suicide, I will find you and personally finish the job. Should your attempts be successful, I swear on the flying spaghetti monster's holy giant meatballs, I will use my spooky black magicks and raise you from the dead just so I can kill you again myself. Possibly more than once. Understood?  
TG: yes maam


	38. Day 18 (Thursday, Early Evening): Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week's episode features a special guest, and yes, her Japanese is bad in every sense of the word.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: dk  
TG: dirk  
TG: little lord poopyhead  
TG: deejay whatshisface  
TG: dirk karson motherfuckin strider  
TG: dont u ignore me mister  
TG: oooooh  
TG: thats it ur in trouble  
TG: wait till i get my hands on u

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\----------------

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

GT: Hey I have the evening off. I know we just saw each other yesterday but you said you wanted to do this again soon so I figured...  
GT: Is this too soon?  
GT: ...  
GT: I guess youre still in the lab with the crummy reception. Dont you usually get off around this time?  
GT: Anyway. Hope the crazy scifi robot stuff is going well.  
GT: I uh. Was hoping to take you for out dinner or something maybe? Make a proper gentleman of myself.  
GT: Uh. Unless youd rather eat at home with the kid.  
GT: Sorry I did not think this proposition through. Considering the circumstances I should be encouraging you to spend more time with him and not the other way around.  
GT: Er. Now I feel like a boorish cad for bringing up the circumstances in question. I know youre doing your best and its not easy especially considering that you have no experience with children whatsoever and dont really know what youre doing!  
GT: Gadzooks I shouldnt have said that either. The longer you let me blab on the more feet are getting crammed into my mouth.  
GT: Sorry Im nervous this is uncharted territory for me. All of my previous experiences were with women so Im not sure about the proper way to court a gentleman.  
GT: Not that Im not up to challenge! Exploring uncharted territory is what makes a true adventurer.  
GT: Well uncharted is a bit of an exaggeration.  
GT: Its not like I havent gone spelunking before. Caverns do hold a certain appeal.  
GT: Boy is it hot in here or what.  
GT: Please come back soon. Otherwise Ill just keep on rambling like a complete dunderhead.  


golgothasTerror is now an idle chum!

\----------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: HEADS UP. I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM DAVE AND I DON'T CARE IF THIS ONE GOES TO THE WRONG PERSON, I AM NOT ENTERING INTO ANOTHER HEAD-SPLITTING CONVERSATION WITH ONE OF YOU SKULLFUCKERS TODAY.  
TG: HERE GOES: "HEY BRO IS IT COOL IF ROSE AND I SPEND THE NIGHT AT KARKAT'S PLEASE SAY YES I'M TIRED OF SLEEPING ON THE COUCH JAY QUAY NO JUST THE LETTERS FUCK."  
TG: HERE YOU GO, MY WORK IS FUCKING DONegive$&mcth6^t  
TG: that was supposed to say jk i love the couch  
TG: if i get hunggry i can just dig through the cushions for doritos crumbs  
TG: oh youre notr even on  
TG: nvm  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\-----------------------------------

asianTemptress [AT] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

AT: BIG BOY. YOU COME PARTY WITH US TONIGHT. YOU SLINK AWAY LAST TIME LIKE GIANT SLIPPERY SNAKE. NO MORE.  
AT: その蛇は今夜私のものです。  


asianTemptress [AT] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

\----------------

tentacleTherapist [TT1] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]

TT1: Dave and I have been invited to a sleepover.  
TT1: Shall I take this silence as assent?  
TT1: In actuality, I would much prefer if you replied. We have a bit of a situation on our hands.  
TT1: I really could use your expertise.  
TT1: I guess you're still engrossed in the task of imbuing metallic men with personality. Contact me when you emerge from the lab, please.

tentacleTherapist [TT1] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT2]

\----------------------

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

CT: D --> Mr. Strider  
CT: D --> This is Zack Quies from computer science class  
CT: D --> You said I could contact you privately to discuss roboti%  
TT: Jesus Christ. Take a number, kid.  
CT: D --> I know prostheti% are not your mane focus but did you have a chance to 100k at my b100prints  
TT: Give me a minute, will you? I'm getting more solicitations than a high street whore on Valentine's day.  
CT: D --> I beg you pardon?

\-----------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Congratulations on summoning the great Dirk Strider himself. Whatever this is about, I probably did it and feel no remorse.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

\-----------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: I'm starting to think you're trying to avoid me, kid. Yes you can sleep at a friend's house again, but I want all of you to get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep. I'm gonna have your home ec teacher measure the dark circles under your eyes with a ruler, and if I don't like what she tells me we will be strifing on the roof until your arms fall off. Got it?

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\------------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: Kids are off tonight. Counter-proposal: we skip dinner and get right to the good part.  
GT: You sure make it hard for a warm-blodded gent to honor his respectable upbringing.  
TT: Making it hard is the idea, yeah.  
GT: Give me at least a chance to woo you properly! How am I supposed to tame you if you wont let me feed you?  
TT: There's an interesting idea. Wanna come over right now and see if you can break this wild stallion?  
GT: Boy howdy!  
TT: Easy there, grandpa. Wouldn't want you to break a hip when I start to buck.  
GT: Watch that tone sonny. Dont make me pull out the riding crop!  
TT: I like where this is going.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

\-----------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering asianTemptress [AT]

TT: Get in line, princess. Everyone wants a piece of me tonight.  
AT: I ASK THE NICEST.  
TT: No amount of eyelash batting can compete with my boyfriend's cock.  
AT: BOYFRIEND CAN WAIT. FIRST COME FIRST SERVED.  
AT: あなたは良い奴隷のように私の必要を満たすことできます。それから私はあなたに他人を奉仕させます。  
TT: Sorry, he has you beat by about two minutes.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering asianTemptress [AT]

\-----------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT1] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT2]

TT1: Sorry. I was catching up on texts, my phone has been blowing up. What's the situation?  
TT2: A certain someone, who wishes to remain nameless, may or may not have inflicted harm upon one of the most bleed-happy parts of his dominant arm.  
TT1: Great. How did the little guy mangle himself this time?  
TT2: He was swinging a sharp-edged weapon around like a dumbass, the way boys are wont to do. I wonder what kind of role model he was trying to imitate?  
TT1: It's not like Dave hasn't cut himself before. He knows how to handle it.  
TT2: This isn't just a little scrape. He completely repainted Karkat's carpet.  
TT1: Rinse the wound with water, bandage it and put pressure on it until the bleeding stops.  
TT2: We did all of that.  
TT1: Raise his arm, that will help it stop faster.  
TT2: It's not bleeding anymore. This happened over 20 minutes ago.  
TT1: So what do you need me for?  
TT2: Reassurance, if at all possible? The wound looks pretty nasty and he's lost a fair amount of blood, judging by the state of Karkat's linens.  
TT1: That little shit. He could have mentioned that when he texted me.  
TT2: He didn't want you involved, for some reason. I do, so I'm going over his head. He isn't in any shape to protest.  
TT1: You are now the favorite. Tell your mother I'm not giving you back.  
TT2: In that case, I trust you'll also forgive me for borrowing your sewing kit? The out-of-favor child requested that his wound be dealt with in the "usual" manner.  
TT1: Do you even know how to use it?  
TT2: I haven't a clue, but I hear you're quite the expert. I'd like to know when you became the neighborhood's back alley practitioner, but I'm willing to leave that thought on the back burner for now, since we have other priorities.  
TT1: I can treat minor wounds. It's not like I'm sneaking off in the middle of the night to perform kidney transplants.  
TT2: Dave seems to think I could manage stitching with a quick tutorial, but I was rather hoping for a live demonstration. Is there any chance you can come over here and help me take care of this mess? I'm not trying to freak you out, but this place kind of looks like a slaughterhouse and I'm  
TT2: I don't know how to handle the situation.  
TT1: Hey. Deep breaths, Rose. It's gonna be okay.  
TT2: Karkat tore his bed sheets, there's blood everywhere, and Dave keeps insisting that he's okay but he's pale as a ghost. Everyone is panicking.  
TT1: I'll be there as fast as I can. Can you send me the address?  
TT2: I already emailed it to you.  
TT1: Got it. Don't do anything until I get there.  
TT2: Thank you.

timaeusTestified [TT1] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT2]

\-----------------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering asianTemptress [AT]

TT: Damara, I need a favor.  
AT: あなたの馬コックを私の中に押し入れるならば。 私はあなたの願いを実現させることができます。  
AT: I DO ANYTHING YOU LIKE. 警官くんに伝える必要はない。  
TT: I forwarded you an address by email, did you get it?  
AT: YES. ヌードはありません。 興味を失った。  
TT: How soon can you meet me there? Bring your work equipment.  
AT: FROM NIGHT JOB. OR DAY.  
TT: Day job. I'm gonna need you to keep shit PG.  
AT: あなたは普通の看護師か セクシー 看護師が欲しいですか？ 私はあなたに余分なサービスを提供します。  
TT: My brother may need a transfusion.  
AT: I CAN BE THERE MAYBE 10 MINUTES.  
TT: Thanks, babe. You're the best.  
AT: あなたは私の価格をが知ているよ、 ビッグ ボーイ 。  
TT: I'll set you up with the hottest stud in the nation.  
AT: ありえない。 彼は私よりもチンポが好きです。SECOND BEST IS FINE.  
TT: If any girl could turn me straight it would be you, sweet cheeks.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering asianTemptress [AT]

\------------------------------------

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: when were u gonna tell me???  
TT: Not now, please.  
TG: not ever ap'arently  
TT: I'm driving, can we do this later? Or not at all, if you're going to be in a mood.  
TG: driving rihght  
TG: god forvbid you crassh that piece if jyunk you callk a car  
TT: Are you fucking drunk right now? Goddammit, Roxy.  
TG: do U know  
TG: how bad it suckkks 2 have 2 find out thru ur *daughter*  
TG: that bad ppl r tryin to take ur nephew away while ur a whole 9 states away n powerless 2 do anything about it???  
TT: They're not "bad people", they're professionals doing their jobs.  
TG: way 2 miss the point, drik!!!  
TT: Protecting innocent children from "bad people", as it were.  
TG: u couldve talked 2 mee  
TT: Like you said, there's nothing you could have done about it.  
TG: maybe i coulve !  
TG: i couldve   
TG: not been such a fuckup  
TT: Let's not do this. I seriously cannot do this right now.  
TG: ucant let them take him away  
TT: Maybe they should.  
TG: dirk!! m  
TT: I'm obviously a shitty parent. Let's face it, this barely counts as an improvement over his previous living situation.  
TG: no dont u say that  
TG: ur nothin like that monster  
TT: "That monster" is where half of my DNA comes from. Maybe I was just predestined to fuck this up.  
TG: nuu  
TG: ur not allowed 2 hv a pity party im the one hoasting the party dmmit  
TG: thats why i get the kuquor  
TG: liquor  
TT: Whatever. Let's do this later. I have a kid to go stitch up.  
TG: wha ?  
TT: Like I said - shitty parent.  
TG: i diont understand  
TT: We'll talk, ok? Just let me take care of this situation first.   
TG: what happend  
TG: is rosie ok  
TT: Rose is fine.   
TG: dirj  
TG: dork  
TG: dirk!!!  
TG: u canr say sometghing like that anxd just peace out  
TT: Kinda need to concentrate on the road.  
TG: usuck!!!!!  
TT: Yeah.  
TG: dork cmon  
TG: dirkk  
TT: Rox, listen I really gotta go. How about you switch your drink for some juice, take a nice hot shower, and I'll tell you everything when you get back. Ok?   
TG: ok :c  
TG: its not fair  
TG: im the one who shoulf be sayin stuff like that 2 u  
TT: You have, plenty of times.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [AT]


	39. Day 18 (Thursday, Early Evening): Stains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roxy almost gets to learn what's going on.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: ok  
TG: im all squralkly clean  
TG: squeaky  
TG: squirrely?  
TG: im a squearky squirrel whos clean  
TG: i got a towel on my head and a martini glass full of pineapple juice  
TG: talsk 2 me  
TT: Hey Roxy.  
TG: wut r u doin  
TT: Getting blood drawn.  
TG: ?????  
TT: It's a long story.  
TG: u owe me a long story so  
TG: shoot  
TT: Which one do you want to hear?  
TG: all of em i wanna b up to date  
TG: imma b all up in that dates FACE  
TG: like whos tall now bitch  
TG: thas right im up here starin into your pypilws  
TG: *pupils   
TG: now SPILL  
TG: the motherfuckin beans  
TT: All of them?  
TG: all of da beans  
TT: Fine I'm dropping all of those nasty-ass beans right there on the floor. It's gonna leave a stain, don't say I didn't warn you.  
TG: idc ill just tell ppl you took a shit on the crapet  
TG: lol *carpet  
TG: no wait crapet was fine  
TT: I might as well have. And the carpet over here is fucking ruined in any case, I'm probably gonna have to pay for that.  
TG: uh  
TT: That wasn't a metaphor.  
TG: so what happened  
TT: I fucked up. Again.

\--------------------

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

GT: Uh. Dirk?  
GT: Ive been waiting in front of your house for the past 20 minutes.  
GT: Are you stuck in traffic or something?  
GT: Im starting to worry that I may have misinterpreted our last conversation.  
TT: Shit! Jake.   
TT: No, you haven't.

\--------------------

TT: Holy fucking shit I forgot about Jake.  
TG: . wow  
TG: dodmt know that was possible  
TT: We had a date and I totally ditched him. He's going to hate me.  
TG: omfg dirk  
TT: I need to do some damage control, I'll be back.  
TG: go go go!!!!

\--------------------

GT: Is everything ok mate?  
GT: Hello??  
TT: Something came up. Sorry man, I should have called.  
GT: Right. I guess Ill head home then.  
TT: You don't have to. Can you wait a little longer?   
GT: I dont know Dirk... How much longer are we talking?  
TT: It's only a five minute drive, I just need to get all of these kids in the damn car first. I can't let them sleep here, it's... It's not an appropriate environment.  
GT: This coming from the bloke who used to hide weapons all over his kitchen?  
TT: It's not like that. There's been an incident, and now the place is unusable. Unsanitary, for one.  
GT: What kind of incident?  
TT: Let's just say it's lucky that Damara happened to be available.  
GT: Anything we need to alert my collegues over?  
TT: God no. That's the last thing this situation needs.  
GT: Wait. Isnt Damara the name of that stripper you used to work with?  
TT: She's a friend. She's also an in-home nurse, so she was able to patch Dave up.  
GT: Why what happened? How is he?  
TT: He's fine now. He's lost his pointy weapons privilege for a while, though.  
GT: I told you youd be better off sticking to fistkind.  
TT: Yeah, yeah. You were right, I'm an irresponsible asshole.  
GT: I never said that.   
TT: So are you gonna wait or what?  
GT: Well it sounds like you need to have a conversation with your brother so I should probably give the two of you some space.  
TT: That's not gonna happen tonight in any case. His friends are gonna be around.  
GT: Be that as it may I dont think theyll be very happy to have the neighborhood cop sitting in on their slumber party.  
TT: Alright, fair enough.  
GT: You owe me a date though.  
TT: Yeah. Sorry.

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\--------------------

TT: Back.  
TG: howd ir= gop  
TG: *it  
TG: *goo  
TT: I blew it.  
TG: oh n0es  
TT: Here talk to Karkat while I drive all these brats to a place that's not soaking in blood and peroxide.  
TG: wait wat   
TG: no  
TG: get your punk assd back here  
TT: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP HANDING ME THEIR PERSONAL COMMUNICATION DEVICES TONIGHT.


	40. Day 18 (Thursday, Night):  Insomnia

Day 18

Where do I even start. It's been a crazy couple of days, but I think today takes the cake. Well no, yesterday was pretty batshit too. But I need to keep this entry short because it kinda stings when I type, so I'll just give you a broad outline of the insanity that has become my life.

So I mentioned that there was some bullying at school. I don't remember if I talked about Mariska in particular, but all you need to know is that she's pretty much the worst. She broke my shades, and everyone saw my eyes and flipped out, especially Karkat, and then he wouldn't talk to me anymore. So I had to explain to the whole class that the whole "albinos have red eyes" is a myth, and I bet you'll make me repeat the whole damn speech on Sunday so I'm not gonna get into it here. Anyway the point is it was a pain in the ass, and Karkat skipped school to avoid me so he didn't get to hear the explanation... So I went to his house. Mostly to make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid, cause y'know. Drama.

This is where shit gets fucked up. I'll say this outright, I was the one acting stupid. It's embarrassing. I wasn't even gonna mention it, because I don't want this to get blown out of proportion and I sure as hell don't want it to reflect badly on my bro. I figure Karkat's probably gonna bring it up next time you meet, though, and I don't want him to give you the wrong idea. I know I scared him a lot, but it wasn't as bad as it looked. I swear I was NOT trying to kill myself. I just cut a little deeper than I meant to, is all. Fuck, that makes it sound like I have a cutting habit. I just wanted to show Karkat my blood color because he thought I had lied about it, and it's a _really fucking big deal_ to him. Like, until I showed him, he legit thought I was some alternian spy who was out to kill him. Whereas now... Well, I wouldn't say we're friends again, but he's sleeping just a couple feet away from me right now so he must at least trust me this much.

Right, I need to get to the sleepover part. So I was bleeding like a stuffed pig (wow that saying makes no sense, unless the stuffing is made of blood, and now I'm thinking of blood sausage and black pudding and all the blood I've seen today and I think I'm gonna puke)

Ok. I'm ok.

For the record: not a fan of blood, or needles. I almost passed out earlier from the sight but I swear I wasn't hurt that bad, it just happened to be a spot that bleeds a lot so it looked worse than it was. Anyway Karkat called Sollux and Rose, then Rose called my bro who called his nurse friend Damara, and everyone came over to fuss over me and try to get the blood out of the carpet and then my bro didn't want us around all the peroxide fumes and that's how everyone ended up at our place. Damara hung out for a while and we ordered chicken and watched movies and it was nice. My bro and I dragged our mattresses into the living room so Sollux and Karkat could stay the night, they're sharing a mattress right now and I'm sharing the other one with Rose, but I can't sleep. I can't stop going over everything that's happened, and some things that my bro said.

The thing is, before Damara left, my bro offered her the couch, which meant that he wasn't going to have anywhere to sleep, but he was like "I don't care I'm used to sleeping on the floor" which got everyone asking questions. So they learned that my bro was basically homeless from age 14 to 18, and sometimes he would live on the actual street even though most of the time he went to a shelter, or people he knew would let him stay with them for a while. I mean I knew he'd been homeless but I didn't know any of the details, we've just never talked about it. Turns out he's never even gone to high school! Yet now he has an apartment and two jobs and a car and a degree in robotics??? I don't understand. It kind of pissed me off that he was answering other people's questions so easily, like it was nothing, because he hasn't even said anything to me... And it's my fault, I can't even ASK the questions. I don't want to know the details, I don't want to think about it, I'm just not ready, you know?

I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I wouldn't hear the rest, and thankfully they had changed the subject by the time I was back. I know eventually I'll have to

HOLY SHIT I just turned around and Karkat was staring at me in the dark I just about jumped out of my skin

what is wrong with me I am so off my game

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WHY AREN'T YOU SLEEPING?  
TG: why arent you  
CG: I ASKED FIRST, FUCKMUNCH.  
TG: arm is stinging like a swarm of really pissed-off hornets  
TG: like my veins just insulted their queen or whatever  
TG: compared her ass to the back of a school bus maybe  
TG: you know what that actually makes sense what with it being yellow and all  
TG: dredging up feelings of dread in the hearts of children everywhere  
CG: ALRIGHT SHUT UP, JEGUS. SORRY I ASKED.  
TG: you ever take a school bus on alternia karkles  
CG: CAN YOU NOT CALL ME THAT?  
TG: why its cute  
CG: TROLLS ARE NOT "CUTE". WE ARE A RACE OF BLOODTHIRSTY GALACTIC CONQUERORS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
TG: so what happened then  
TG: did you come here to conquer earth and like  
TG: get distracted watching seinfeld  
CG: FUCK YOU, NO. THE ONLY THING REMARKABLE ABOUT YOUR ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA IS HOW UNIFORMLY MEDIOCRE IT IS.  
TG: so what is it then  
TG: did your leader stop for a quick ice cream before blowing us up and decide he had to try every flavor first  
CG: SHE.  
TG: oh shit  
TG: forgive the assumption i come from a paternalistic culture  
CG: YEAH, NO KIDDING.  
CG: ALSO YOUR ICE CREAM IS SUBPAR AND IF OUR GOAL WAS ANNIHILATION YOU WOULD ALREADY HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO INDIVIDUAL ATOMS, IDIOT.  
TG: so what  
TG: you all decided we were too adorable to obliterate  
CG: DO YOU GENUINELY WANT TO KNOW OR ARE YOU JUST EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW WAYS TO TICKLE MY AGGRAVATION SPONGE?  
TG: im just curious dude  
CG: WE CAME HERE FOR RECON.   
TG: what like evaluate our defenses   
CG: THAT'S "CUTE". AS THOUGH YOU WOULD STAND A CHANCE AGAINST OUR TECHNOLOGY.  
CG: WE CAME TO EVALUATE YOUR RESOURCES. WE DON'T JUST GO AROUND BLOWING RANDOM PLANETS TO BITS FOR THE HELL OF IT. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXORBITANT THE COSTS WOULD BE???  
CG: WHAT AM I SAYING. OF COURSE YOU DON'T.  
TG: im guessing astronomical  
CG: MOST PLACES THAT CAN SUPPORT OCEANS GET ASSIMILATED INTO OUR TRADE NETWORK. WATER IS A VALUABLE COMMODITY IN SPACE. WE WERE GOING TO MELT YOUR ICE CAPS AND USE THIS PLACE AS A MILITARY OUTPOST.  
TG: but then something went wrong  
CG: GEE, I WONDER WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF? IS IT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ON BEGRUDGINGLY FRIENDLY TERMS WITH A FUCKING IMPERIAL THRESHECUTIONER OR THE FACT THAT HOUSTON IS NOT YET UNDERWATER?  
TG: how did you know im from houston  
CG: YOU TOLD ME ONCE. I ACTUALLY LISTEN TO YOUR ENDLESS BLATHER, EVEN THOUGH MOST OF IT IS FUCKING INANE.  
TG: so  
TG: were friends?  
CG: YOU'VE INFECTED ME WITH THIS REVOLTING HUMAN DISEASE CALLED FRIENDSHIP. DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD.  
TG: sweet  
TG: hey  
TG: do you still want to go to the zoo  
CG: IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?  
TG: its fairly straightforward dude  
TG: were over the whole blood color/eye color thing right  
CG: YES, WE'RE OVER IT. CONSIDER ME FIRMLY SCHOOLFED ON THE MATTER OF HUMANITY'S UNIFORMLY ABHORRENT BLOOD COLOR AND OTHER AREAS OF UNRELATED PIGMENTATION.  
TG: so do you wanna come watch our weird-ass animals sit around in cages or what  
CG: WELL WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.  
CG: WHEN?  
TG: this weekend? hang on im gonna ask my bro

\--------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: hey bro are you still up or did you fall asleep with the lights on  
TT: I'm up.  
TG: you know you can join us in the living room right  
TG: both mattresses are taken but the couch is still available   
TG: not that you need it cause youre tough shit or whatever  
TT: I'll join you in a little while. I'm busy educating your aunt on everything that's happened since the day she moved.  
TG: shes your aunt too bro  
TT: Why aren't you asleep?  
TG: shrug  
TG: its been a day  
TT: It sure has, kiddo.  
TG: so rose karkat and i were talking about going to woodland park zoo this weekend   
TT: Are you asking for permission to go out with your friends or are you asking me for a ride?  
TG: im asking if you want to come with  
TG: rose is probably gonna ask kanya  
TG: you can bring jake or whatever  
TT: Is this a family outing or a triple date?  
TG: idk  
TG: can it be both

\--------------------

CG: WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?  
TG: shhh

\--------------------

TG: bro?  
TT: I'm thinking.  
TT: Are we all gonna hang out for a bit and then split into groups?  
TG: something like that yeah  
TG: so  
TG: you in  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I owe Jake a "normal" date, so yeah. This is perfect.  
TG: awesome  
TT: Is Saturday ok? Jake works on Sunday and I've got an early DJ gig.  
TG: sure  
TG: thanks man  
TT: Tell your friends to be ready at 11. And be prepared to get squished in the back seat.

\--------------------

TG: operation heckle the lions is a go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaah we finally made it through day 18 you guys!!


	41. Day 19 (Friday, Afternoon): Animalia

asianTemptress [AT] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

AT: HOW YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS DOING TODAY?  
TT: He was well enough to go to school. I wrote him a note to skip gym, though.  
AT: YOU CHANGE BANDAGE THIS MORNING? HOW IT LOOKS?  
TT: Not bad. I don't think it got infected.  
AT: CLEAN BLADE. HE LUCKY. TELL HIM BE CAREFUL, KEEP WOUND FROM GETTING DIRTY. しばらくの間、彼は反対側の手で自慰するべきです。  
TT: Will do. Sage advice as always.  
TT: Kids these days receive tetanus shots, right?   
AT: NORMALLY RECEIVE TDAP VACCINE AT AGE 12. NEED BOOSTER AT AGE 22.  
TT: I don't have his immunization records. Christ, I can't believe I've been fighting him with rusted swords and the risks are only occuring to me now. This whole thing has been one hell of an eye opener.  
AT: WHAT ABOUT YOU, SEXY SAMURAI? YOU GET POKED BY THE BIG NEEDLE?  
AT: 私はすべてあなたの暗いフェチを知っています。あなたは痛みを引き起こすのに十分な大きさのときだけ満足します。  
TT: Well, I don't remember if I got any shots as a teen, but I ran away from home early on, so probably not? Either way I'm 23, so I must be due for a repeat.  
TT: And I'm no samurai. I'd be a rounin, if anything.  
AT: タフガイは主人がいないと主張しますが、秘密裏に、あなたは提出したいと思います。  
AT: じゃ、私があなたを命じる。YOU GO TO CLINIC SOON. TELL THEM USED TO LIVE ON THE STREETS, GET FULL HEALTH CHECK-UP.  
TT: Yes ma'am.  
AT: THIS WEEKEND, YES?  
TT: Can't. I promised the little guy I'd take him and his friends to the zoo on Saturday, and then I have two DJ gigs and a shitload of homework to correct.  
AT: I LIKE YOUR BROTHER'S FRIENDS. SHOUTY ONE IS VERY FUNNY. HE HAS 中二病?  
TT: Middle two disease? I don't know what that is.   
AT: CHUUNIBYOU. REACT WEIRD TO PUBERTY. ESCAPE TO FANTASY WORLD?  
TT: I didn't realize this was common enough to have a name.  
AT: DIDN'T THINK PUBERTY WAS DIFFICULT? GIRLS USUALLY HAVE TROUBLE.  
TT: Sure it was difficult. I had to up my game, couldn't rely on cute to get fed.  
AT: STILL CUTE. WOULD FEED.  
TT: You basically have, considering you got me two of the last three jobs I've had.  
AT: WE MISS YOU AT THE CLUB. ANY CHANCE YOU WILL RECONSIDER? NEW BOUNCER IS NO FUN. ALL MUSCLE AND NO BRAIN. 私の股が燃焼したら、そして彼の ホース が水を噴霧しとしても、私は彼を ファックしません。  
TT: I can't. It just wouldn't look good to Dave's case worker. I'm on thin ice as it is... I don't want to lose him, Dam.  
AT: I UNDERSTAND. HE IS VERY CUTE. LIKE INNOCENT MINIATURE DIRK STRIDER.  
TT: I don't think I've ever been characterized as innocent. Not at his age, that's for damn sure.  
AT: 彼の年齢で私はすでに巨乳を持っていて、お金のために年上の男性と付き合っていました。  
TT: Same. Minus the boob part.  
AT: HA! DIRK STRIDER, YOU ARE SO BAD.  
TT: Yeah, I'm pretty much the worst.

\--------------------

Day 19

Sup, doc.

They're playing basketball in gym today, but I'm benched because of my arm. Bro was worried that I'd get hit by a ball or something and tear the stitches. It sucks, I hate having to sit still. My leg won't stop bouncing and it gets to a point where I start to annoy myself.

I tried drawing SBaHJ for a bit, since thats like the one thing I can do with my right hand, but I couldn't think of any suitably shitty jokes. So I've just been watching the others play. Karkat is surprisingly good at this, for a chibi. Everyone else is at least a head taller but he just charges in there like a little bulldozer. He's mostly in charge of hassling other players, he rarely gets to catch a pass but when he does, damn. Kid's got some arm on him. Good aim, too. Makes me think that his sickle missed me on purpose.

Blehhh. I'm so bored. One more class, and then I get to go home. I'm super tired today. I have a hard time sleeping when other people are in the house, much less in the same room with me. Karkat probably didn't sleep much either, he's got those dark circles under his eyes again. I wonder if he thinks he needs to keep watch for the drones or something. I bet he normally sleeps with that sickle under his pillow.

We're going to the zoo tomorrow. I'm gonna make it my mission to get him to relax.

DS

\--------------------

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: dude. you thiink you and 2triider can 2top 2tariing at each other for fiive fuckiing miinute2?

carcinoGeneticist is an idle chump!

TA: no 2urprii2e there.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: WHY DON'T YOU BRING THAT UP WITH *HIM*. IT WAS THROWING ME OFF MY GAME.  
CG: AND DID YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT ME TO CHECK MY TEXTS DURING A GAME OF THROW THE SPHERE INTO THE WOVEN RECEPTACLE?  
TA: oh plea2e. liike you werent 2tealiing wii2tfull liittle glance2 iin hii2 diirectiion every few 2econd2.  
CG: WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNICATION DEVICE IN YOUR METALLIC SAFEKEEPING COMPARTMENT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?  
TA: ii love how youre 2chooliing me on what2 normal.  
TA: youre gonna get bulliied agaiin iif people fiind out you have the hot2 for hiim, you know.  
CG: UGHHH.  
CG: IS IT REALLY THAT OBVIOUS?  
TA: wiith the way youre blu2hiing every tiime he talk2 two you? ye2 bro, iit2 obviiou2.  
CG: FUCK!!! I'VE BEEN BLUSHING??????  
TA: relax, all the2e other fucker2 have red blood, remember? everyone blu2he2 the 2ame, iit2 not a biig deal.  
CG: OH. YEAH. THAT'S... GONNA TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO.  
TA: breathe, man.  
CG: YEAH. SHIT, MY PUSHER ALMOST BURST THROUGH MY CHEST PLATE. GONNA NEED A MINUTE FOR ALL THE CHAMBERS TO REALIGN.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT... DISGUSTED WITH ME, ARE YOU?  
TA: why would ii be?  
CG: HE'S FROM A DIFFERENT SPECIES! THIS IS LIKE... BESTIALITY.  
TA: meh. the two of you are phy2iically, iintellectually, and developmentally compatiible.  
CG: ...WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING INSULTED.  
TA: ii dont 2ee what the biig deal ii2.  
CG: HE'S FROM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMAL KINGDOM!  
TA: youre iin the 2ame kiingdom, dumba22. iit2 called aniimaliia.  
CG: YEAH? WELL SO ARE SEA SPONGES, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME TRYING TO STICK MY BULGE INTO ONE!  
TA: gro22.  
CG: YOU SEE?  
TA: tho2e 2ucker2 are probably fiilled wiith diige2tiive juiice2. youd burn your junk off, dude. 2triider ii2 a much 2afer choiice.  
CG: OH MY GOG.  
TA: eheheheh.  
CG: I CANNOT *BELIEVE* WE ARE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.  
TA: where are you riight now?  
CG: IN THE COMMUNAL UNLOADING BLOCK. BANGING MY HEAD ON QUESTIONABLY CLEAN TILES.  
TA: you know youre late for home ec, riight? people are 2tartiing two paiir off iinto team2.  
CG: FUUUUCK.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

\--------------------

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT]

GG: Your little brother is adorable!  
TT: It's all a front. Wait until he sets your classroom on fire.  
GG: He very well might, we're cooking bechamel today :B  
TT: What for? I assumed you'd at least make them bake some cookies.  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo! We're starting with the basics, I'm saving the best for last!  
TT: If you have them make a multi-tiered cake, please put a Ken doll and a small alien action figure on top.  
GG: My prankster sense is tingling!  
TT: Make sure to take a picture so I can stick it in the family album.  
GG: You have a family album?  
TT: I'll start one just for this.


	42. Day 19 (Friday, Early Evening): Apologies

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Sup lil bro. Where are you?  
TG: still at school just talking to some friends  
TT: Didn't school end a half-hour ago?  
TG: yeah were just hanging out in the parking lot  
TG: loitering like delinquents  
TG: bet theyre gonna start playing that mosquito tone soon  
TT: Clearly you kids are the scourge of humanity.  
TG: yeah bro little old ladies better hold onto their clear plastic rain hats  
TT: And how were you planning on getting home?  
TG: sollux offered to give us a ride   
TG: why whats up  
TT: Who's "us"?  
TG: me karkat john terezi  
TT: Perfect. Ask Sollux to drop you off at Karkat's.  
TG: ok  
TG: why  
TT: We're all going over there to apologize to his dad for turning part of his house into a horror movie set and kidnapping his child for the night. I suggest you also use this opportunity to apologize to your cousin and friends for what you put them through, if you haven't already.   
TG: no were cool i did that last night they said not to worry about it  
TG: tbh i completely forgot about karkats dad... he must be pissed  
TT: He did sound pretty cranky when I spoke to him on the phone.   
TT: Then again he's a Vantas, maybe that's just their natural tone.  
TG: yeah i was gonna say  
TT: So Rose and I will meet you there in what, fifteen minutes?  
TG: sounds good ill tell the others  
TG: and hey  
TG: before you go  
TG: i havent really had a chance to thank you for you know   
TG: rushing to my rescue and all that  
TG: so... thanks  
TG: i owe you one  
TG: damara too  
TG: even though i dont think it was necessary to call her over i mean im pretty sure i would have been fine without her help  
TT: You'd been bleeding like a stuck pig for god knows how long. You wouldn't have been fine, dude.  
TG: wait stuck i thought it was stuffed  
TG: huh that does make marginally more sense  
TT: You're damn lucky that Dam was on her way home from a shift and still had the necessary supplies in her car. I really hope you're aware of that.  
TG: i mean  
TG: dont you think the blood transfusion was a little overkill  
TT: Kid, you know the blood needs to be _inside_ your body to keep you alive, right?  
TG: i know that  
TT: Do you even realize how lucky you were to have a compatible donor nearby?  
TG: uh  
TT: You have no fucking clue, do you.  
TG: why whats wrong with my blood  
TT: Nothing, man. We're both O-. Universal donors. Can only receive blood from other O-s. I can't believe you didn't know that.  
TT: Our shit's in high demand bro, this is straight-up liquid gold you've been splashing around. Even hospitals frequently run out. It's the kind of thing you wanna mention to them upfront!  
TG: how would i have known  
TG: how do you even know  
TT: Mom made sure to drill it into my head in case something happened.  
TG: mom  
TT: You know, the chick we came out of.  
TG: yeah  
TG: do you think shes dead  
TT: Why would you even say that?  
TG: no reason  
TG: hey so were still going to the zoo tomorrow right  
TT: Seriously?  
TG: what  
TG: i promised karkat we could go so its kind of important  
TT: Sure, that sounds way more important than the possible death of the woman who wiped our asses for two years each...  
TT: Maybe I was being too hasty when I agreed to this zoo thing. Part of me thinks I should be grounding you after the stunt you pulled yesterday.  
TG: what no  
TG: dont do that  
TT: I wasn't going to, but you just don't seem to realize that you could have _died._  
TG: im sorry  
TG: i know i fucked up  
TT: You know what, if you need to thank anyone, thank Rose. She's the one who alerted me, even though you stupidly asked her not to.  
TG: i wasnt thinking straight!  
TT: I get that. But next time something like this happens, I need you to fucking call 911.  
TG: but  
TG: what about cps  
TT: Screw CPS! Let me worry about that shit. Worry about your goddamn health!  
TG: you cant seriously expect me to stop thinking about that  
TG: i could be sent off god knows where  
TT: You won't be.  
TG: no offense bro but thats not really a promise you can make  
TT: Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence.  
TG: thats not what i meant

\--------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?  
TG: fucking peachy  
CG: YOU'RE MAKING A WEIRD FACE.  
TG: no im not

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------

TG: are you mad at me  
TG: bro come on  
TT: No Dave, I'm not mad at you.  
TT: You scared the hell out of me last night, that's all.  
TG: i really am sorry  
TT: Yeah. Me too.  
TG: what do you even have to be sorry about  
TG: you just came in and saved the day  
TT: Nevermind.  
TT: I'll see you at Karkat's.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


	43. Day 19 (Friday, Night): Stick

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: are you sleeping  
TT: Not yet.   
TG: why is the door closed  
TG: are you naked  
TT: Seriously?  
TG: you close the door while you change its a reasonable assumption  
TT: I'm not naked.  
TG: ok  
TG: so what are you wearing  
TT: Dave!  
TG: what  
TG: maybe its something embarrassing  
TT: Oh my god. I'm wearing perfectly normal pajamas. If you value this friendship, please don't ask me that ever again.  
TG: yeesh youre so touchy  
TT: Why must your speech always be frilled with cringe-worthy innuendos?  
TG: maybe your mind is just projecting its own incestuous desires onto my innocent words have you thought of that  
TG: i wonder what your friend freud would have to say about this  
TT: Obviously, he would congratulate me on maintaining my sanity in this highly unconducive environment! I can't believe I signed up to live here for two whole weeks. It will be a miracle if I don't develop PTSD after all the disturbing visuals you're forcing me to conjure up!  
TG: i bet hed give me a high five while smoking from the biggest most phallic-shaped pipe  
TT: Perhaps, but he would need to sanitize his hands afterwards.  
TG: i love how you think im filthier than an honest-to-god cadaver  
TT: That's because you are.  
TG: fine if youre so prim and proper tell me what youre doing in my room that requires keeping me out  
TT: Getting ready to initiate a private conversation.  
TG: thats not code for watching porn on my computer is it  
TT: Rest assured, I wouldn't go near your computer. I don't need to touch it to know that the keyboard is sticky.  
TG: uh  
TT: Oh, ew! I meant from all the Doritos! There are enough orange fingerprints on here to fill out several police records.   
TG: if youre using your laptop why cant you just hang out in the living room  
TT: Because, as previously stated, the conversation I am about to engage in is meant to be private. Why does this bother you so much?  
TG: i cant come bug you when the door is closed  
TT: What are you, a cat?  
TG: who are you pestering  
TG: is it kanya  
TG: have you invited her yet  
TT: It is, and I haven't.  
TG: thats really last minute  
TT: I'm aware of that. If you stopped trying to monopolize my attention for a second, I might have a chance of getting around to it.  
TG: guess ill go play tony hawk for a bit  
TT: You do that.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

\--------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: no idea how i managed it but ive got tonys legs sticking out of the ground with the board intersecting his foot and a mysterious hand reaching out of the concrete  
TT: Congratulations. It's more than I have been able to achieve.  
TG: why what did she say  
TT: Nothing. I haven't messaged her yet.  
TG: what are you waiting for  
TT: I don't know. I'm just not sure how to approach her.   
TG: just say hey whats up wanna go to the zoo with me tomorrow  
TT: It's awkward! We've had a grand total of one conversation, and even that was superficial at best. I can't just pester her out of the blue and ask her to hop into a car full of almost-strangers.  
TG: you havent even pestered her once? dude  
TG: cuz  
TG: rosemuffin mcsweetums  
TG: when a hot chick gives you her chum handle you need to hop on that shit right away  
TG: channel the little kid in you and pretend shes a filthy water puddle  
TG: jump right the fuck in and splash the hell out of your clothes   
TT: Are you implying that same-sex attraction is "dirty"?  
TG: no im saying you need to be on that like white on gloppy bechamel sauce   
TT: So you admit that she is attractive.  
TG: shes alright i guess just not really my type  
TT: You have a type? And here I just assumed you only cared about whether lipstick marks might ruin your carefully crafted impassive look.   
TG: theres that but shes also skinny as a rail  
TT: Being thin is bad?  
TG: sure a girl needs curves i aint munching on sticks  
TT: Unless it's Karkat's stick!  
TG: hey now  
TG: were going on a family-friendly educational tour of the animal kingdom  
TG: boarding the mini-train with all the other grandpas  
TG: aint nobody gonna be driving shift is what im saying   
TG: shits gonna be as platonic as Plato himself  
TT: Interestingly enough, I'm fairly sure Plato was boinking Aristotle.  
TG: you girls and your yaois  
TG: if i didnt know you better id say you were trying to draw attention away from the fact that youve failed to secure your own date for tomorrow  
TT: Busted.  
TG: so you gonna ask her or what  
TT: I will when I'm ready.  
TG: ok but were leaving in like 12 hours  
TG: did you plan on third-wheeling it  
TT: If I do, how painful will you make it for me?  
TG: ill sic you onto bro and jake  
TG: youll be watching sloppy makeouts all day  
TG: inappropriately handsy makeouts  
TG: featuring two scruffy old men and a shitload of slurping noises  
TT: Honestly, I'll consider myself lucky as long as they don't start grinding against a chainlink fence.  
TG: probably right when all the little kids are watching  
TT: Those children will be traumatized for life.  
TG: parents be like hot DAMN that shit was educational  
TG: i gotta get me a man on the side  
TG: before we know it theres gonna be a goddamn orgy in the parking lot  
TG: all that middle-aged chub swinging left and right as the children watch on in horror and contemplate ending their lives  
TT: We must avoid this scenario at all costs.  
TT: Can't I just stick with you and Karkat?  
TG: no way man  
TG: dave strider dont need no chaperone  
TT: It's not like you're even planning on doing anything remotely romantic on this "date".  
TG: Sit down, Rose. Let me teach you about irony and the importance of being a smooth motherfucker no matter the circumstances.  
TT: No thanks!  
TG: hey you should be jumping at the opportunity  
TG: how often do you get to learn straight from the master  
TT: Oh, I'm sure it would be a riveting lecture. Unfortunately, I happen to have a rather attractive stick to pester. I'm afraid the matter simply cannot wait any longer.  
TG: atta girl  
TT: Wish me luck?  
TG: you got this

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\--------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: Hello Kanya. This is Rose, Dave's cousin from computer science class.  
GA: Oh Hello  
TT: I apologize for contacting you this late. I hope I'm not catching you at an inopportune moment.  
GA: Not At All  
GA: Its A Pleasure To Hear From You Again  
TT: Likewise.  
GA: Are You Still In Town Or Have You Already Flown Home  
TT: I will be here for another week. My cousins and I are planning a trip to Woodland Park Zoo tomorrow.  
GA: Lovely  
GA: I Havent Been There At All Since The Fire  
GA: They Must Have Rebuilt The Reptile House Since  
TT: Oh, that's right! I had completely forgotten about that incident.  
GA: It Was A While Ago  
GA: Fortunately I Think They Were Able To Relocate Most Of The Animals  
GA: Please Take Some Pictures Of The Amphibians For Me  
TT: Perhaps you can take them yourself.  
GA: Um  
TT: I realize this is very last minute, but I was wondering if you would like to accompany me.  
GA: Oh  
GA: That Sounds Nice  
GA: But If Youre Going With Your Family I Dont Want To Intrude  
TT: Actually, both Dave and Dirk will be bringing dates, and I would rather not spend the day animal-gazing by myself.  
GA: In This Case  
GA: I Will Have To Ask My Mother In The Morning As She Has Already Gone To Bed  
GA: But I Dont Think She Will Have A Problem With It  
GA: Unless She Was Planning On Making Me Watch My Younger Siblings  
GA: Which Is Certainly A Possibility  
TT: Well, let me know. We probably won't leave until noon. Dirk tends to wake up at the crack of dawn, but Dave needs his beauty sleep.  
GA: I Hope I Can Make It  
GA: I Really Want To See The Butterfly Exhibit  
TT: So do I.  
GA: See You Tomorrow Maybe  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Great!  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Good night.

\--------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: The deed is done.  
TG: howd it go  
TT: I was about as smooth as a gravel road. _Roughly_ as smooth. I actually used the word "actually".  
TG: you used it just now  
TT: With you, it doesn't count.  
TG: so is she gonna come  
TT: I got a definite "maybe".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the date, I promise!


	44. Day 20 (Saturday, Late Morning): Date, part 1

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: Good morning.  
TT: Or perhaps not? I can't help but notice that you have set your mood to "rancorous".  
GA: Did I  
GA: Sorry I Am Still Trying To Figure Out This Trollian Business  
TT: I see. I would help if I could, but I'm firmly ensconced in the Persterchum camp.  
GA: I Do Not Suppose There Is A Setting For "Mildly Aggravated"  
TT: Probably not. May I ask what happened?  
GA: I Asked My Mother If I Could Go To The Zoo  
GA: She Was More Reticent Than I Had Expected  
TT: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.  
GA: We Had A Long And Exhausting Argument  
TT: I'm familiar with the experience. What scruples did she have?  
GA: That Is The Most Frustrating Part  
GA: Her Reasons Kept Changing  
GA: First It Was "Who Is This Girl And Why Have I Not Heard About Her Before"  
GA: Then When I Told Her You Were The Classmate Who Helped Me With Computer Science She Turned Her Suspicions Onto Your Cousins  
TT: Aw, I didn't do much... I'm not even technically a classmate.  
GA: She Really Does Not Need To Know That  
TT: Then I shall take the secret to my grave. And what did she suspect my dear cousins of?  
GA: Um  
GA: She Gave Me The "What If They Turn Out To Be Serial Killers" Speech  
TT: Ha! I assure you, they aren't. Dave is far too lazy for the amount of work it would require. Tracking his victims, luring them into a trap, disposing of them without drawing attention, covering his tracks...  
GA: It Does Sound Rather Time Consuming  
TT: Besides, he couldn't resist leaving a signature. Killers who can't keep their narcissism in check get caught in no time. I learned that from television.  
GA: That Settles It Then  
TT: Dirk, on the other hand, would be clever and twisted enough to succeed. He knows when to stand out and when to fly under the radar. He also works tirelessly when he has a goal in mind.  
GA: Well That Is A Problem   
GA: I Am Afraid My Funeral Prearrangements Are Not Yet Finalized  
TT: Fortunately for his potential enemies, he is currently busy working three jobs, pursuing higher studies, and caring for two teenagers. Even given how little he sleeps, there is simply no room to cram a few murders into his schedule.  
GA: Somehow I Do Not Think These Arguments Would Reassure My Mother  
TT: What would easing her mind require?  
GA: I Believe Her Wariness Would Fade If She Were To Meet Them Both Face To Face  
GA: Which Is Ridiculous To Me Because The Term "Serial Killer" Implies Some Measure Of Skill In The Act Of Concealing Their Murderous Nature  
GA: It Blows My Mind That She Believes Herself Qualified To Determine Whether Someone Has Committed Such Crimes After A Few Minutes Of Interaction  
GA: I Love My Mom But She Is No Jessica Fletcher  
TT: Who?  
GA: Murder She Wrote  
TT: Ah. I have never seen the show.  
GA: I Used To Watch It With Jane  
GA: My Former Babysitter  
GA: You May Know Her As Ms Crocker She Also Teaches At Our School  
GA: She Used To Want To Be A Detective  
TT: I have never had her as a teacher, but she is one of my mother's oldest friends. She used to come over a lot when I was little. She gave me a bunny for my ninth birthday. A plush one, of course.  
GA: In Any Case It Irks Me That My Mother Does Not Trust Me To Be A Good Judge Of Character  
GA: You Are Not Strangers Trying To Lure Me Into Your Van With Candy  
GA: I May Not Have Known You For A Very Long Time But You Are Clearly A Very Intelligent And Caring Person  
GA: I Will Admit That I Have Not Had Much Of An Opportunity To Speak With Dave But I Feel Like I Already Know A Lot About Him Since He Tends To Stand Out In Class  
GA: And Mr Strider Is A Little Intimidating But He Seems Like The Kind Of Teacher Who Understands Teenagers  
GA: Although Pointing This Out Was A Tactical Error On My Part  
TT: How so?  
GA: My Mother Thinks Hanging Out With A Teacher Outside Of School Is Immoral And Dangerous  
GA: She Is Convinced He Is Going To Try To Do Something Inappropriate  
TT: Dirk would never put the moves on a student, let alone a female one.  
TT: Which brings me to something I probably should have mentioned earlier: both Dave and Dirk's dates are male. I hope this isn't something you are uncomfortable with.  
GA: Not At All  
GA: My Older Sister Porrim Is Bisexual  
TT: Porrim is an unusual name.  
GA: She Is An Unusual Person  
GA: The Thought Of Having To Fill Her Shoes Can Be Intimidating At Times  
TT: Perhaps you can tell me more about her next time we meet?   
TT: It really is unfortunate that you won't be able to join us today. I was looking forward to spending time with you.  
GA: No No I Can Go  
GA: I Did Manage To Convince My Mother Eventually  
TT: Oh! Sorry, I just assumed...  
GA: Sorry I Should Have Mentioned That First Instead Of Complaining About The Argument  
TT: Regardless, this is great news! May I ask how you finally managed to persuade her?  
GA: Well  
GA: I Told Her That Mr Strider Would Be On A Date And That We Would Part Ways Once We Arrived At The Zoo  
GA: She Was Not Thrilled About Sending Me Off Without Adult Supervision But I Reminded Her That I Am 15 And This Is A Zoo Not A Night Club  
GA: A Tiring Argument Ensued But She Finally Agreed To Let Me Go On The Condition That I Keep My Cell Phone With Me At All Times  
TT: What self-respecting teenager doesn't?  
GA: Exactly  
GA: Besides Which I Will Need It To Take Pictures  
TT: We certainly won't be lacking subjects to photograph!  
GA: Do You Also Dabble In Photography  
TT: Only as a way to create mementos. Most of the photographs I have taken over the years have ended up pell-mell inside a shoebox which is hidden away in my closet. Somehow, the thought of having them nearby is a comforting one. If nostalgia ever strikes, I will be prepared. Although in all likeliness, they will never see the light of day again.   
GA: I Understand  
GA: I Have Been Using A Scrapbook In A Similar Fashion  
TT: Either way, I'm not skilled enough to pursue photography as an artistic endeavor. I prefer to leave that up to Dave.  
GA: Really  
GA: I Would Not Have Pegged Him As An Artist  
TT: z h jh, j hub,,k   


\--------------------

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Kanya just told me that she "would not have pegged [you]", and now this is all I can picture. What have you done to me?!  
TG: bwahaha  
TG: welcome to the family rose youre a real strider now  
TG: have fun being just as fucked up as the rest of us  
TT: Curse this surname and the perversion it instills!  
TG: it probably IS cursed is the problem  
TG: maybe curses arent time-linear and you basically just doomed our entire bloodline throughout the ages  
TG: meaning that the rampant insanity weaving itself through our family tree is in fact your fault   
TG: good going rose  
TG: a+ job  


\--------------------

TT: Sorry,that was me banging my head on the keyboard.  
GA: Is Everything Okay  
TT: Yes. Great. Just family matters. What were we saying?  
GA: I Was Expressing My Surprise Upon Hearing Of The Artistic Talent Your Cousin Is Blessed With  
GA: Forgive Me But I Have Seen A Few Of His Drawings And They Were  
GA: How Do I Say This  
TT: Shoddy? Subpar? Disturbingly inappropriate?  
GA: Pretty Much  
TT: Right. He is in fact really good at his craft, when he isn't trying to be terrible.  
GA: Why Would Anyone Try To Suck On Purpose  
TT: I can't speak from experience, but I'm told it can be a pleasant activity.  
GA: Um  


\--------------------

TT: I just made an oral sex joke. Please kill me.  
TG: nah im busy  
TG: you dont have time to start a ritual to sacrifice your soul to the horrorterrors either  
TG: we need to go  
TG: the clock is ticking  
TG: the lions are waiting and believe me you dont want to disappoint them

\--------------------

TT: I was just informed that we are on the verge of departure. Your carriage shall arrive shortly, milady.  
GA: Dont You Need My Address First  
TT: I do not! I have seer powers.  
GA: Ooh Spooky  
TT: By which I mean, Dave's date has already informed us. Apparently the two of you are next-door neighbors, which certainly is convenient for today's purposes.  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Dave And Karkat  
GA: They Are A Thing  
GA: That Is What You Are Saying  
TT: Not in so many words, but yes, I suppose they are. Exactly what kind of "thing" remains to be seen, however.  
GA: Holy Behemoth Leaving  
TT: Sorry, I probably should have mentioned that his date was also a classmate. Will this be awkward for you?  
GA: No Just  
GA: Wow  
GA: I Did Not Expect That  
TT: If it helps, I don't think they're quite as serious as whatever you are imagining. Dave does many random and incomprehensible things just for irony's sake. I think he is genuinely fond of our resident alien, however. He seems to have adopted him as one adopts a slightly beaten up stray cat. Perhaps one with mismatched eyes who's never learned to meow quite right.  
GA: I Mean I Figured It Had To Be Someone From School Because Dave Just Moved Here  
GA: Who Else Does He Even Know  
GA: Its Just That When You Said His Date Was Male I Was Thinking More Along The Lines Of   
GA: Sheridan  
GA: Maybe Sollux  
GA: But I Shouldnt Be Making Assumptions Just Because They Both Fit Certain Stereotypes  
GA: And It Was Silly Of Me To Assume Karkat Was Straight Just Because He Has Had A Girlfriend In The Past  
GA: I Really Should Know Better  
TT: Karkat used to have a girlfriend?  
GA: Technically Two  
GA: But Nikeeta Was In Elementary School So She Probably Does Not Count  
TT: Interesting! Dave has never dated before, as far as I know.   
TT: By the way, Sollux is dating Arcadia, and I believe both he and Sheridan identify as straight.  
GA: Oh My God  
GA: My Gaydar Is The Worst

\--------------------

TG: rooooose what are you doing  
TT: Enjoying a pleasant conversation with someone who isn't related to me, for a change. Don't tell me you're already jealous?  
TG: im sitting in the car and youre still up there flirting  
TG: do you even care that im overheating like a dog in the sun  
TT: Ew. Please tell me you aren't panting.  
TG: well what else am i supposed to do when my owner leaves to get groceries and forgets to crack open a window  
TG: i dont know how long i can survive  
TG: its hotter than satans asshole in here  
TT: You're a Texan. I'm sure you'll survive.  
TG: youd better hope so  
TG: otherwise youll have peta after your ass  
TT: They will need to wait in line. My ass is in high demand.

\--------------------

TT1: Yo, kid. If you don't hurry up we'll have to leave without you.  
TT2: I will be right there, just give me one minute! My date is a fashionista, I need to look the part.  
TT1: The countdown starts now. You have exactly 60 seconds.

\--------------------

TT: I need to go, the boys are being melodramatic. We will be at your house in just a few minutes.  
GA: Oh  
TT: Is there a problem with that time frame?  
GA: No I Just   
GA: Need To Hurry Up And Decide What To Wear  
TT: You're not currently wearing anything???  
GA: I Meant That I Am Still In My Sleep Attire  
TT: Oh god... Please pretend I didn't write that!  
GA: Haha

\--------------------

TT: Being a Strider is the worst! How do I rescind my affiliation?  
TG: tick tock tick tock tick tock  
TT: Urgh, I know. I'm coming right now!  
TG: tmi man  
TT: ...?  
TG: good for you i guess but ew  
TG: why would you tell your cousin about that shit  
TT: Oh my god! You just never stop, do you?  
TG: nope  
TG: nothing can stop this filth from gushing out  
TT: One day I will find your off switch.  
TG: doubt it  
TG: if you havent found it by now its probably in a place youll never want to reach  
TT: I'm _really_ looking forward to Karkat becoming the target of your verbal bukkake for the next few hours.  
TG: me too lets go get him  
TT: Yes. Let's.  


\--------------------

TG: hey were on our way  
TG: hope youre ready to witness the majesty of mother nature and/or her sick twisted sense of humor  
CG: MOTHER WHO??? I THOUGHT YOU ALL HATCHED STRAIGHT FROM YOUR ANCESTORS' NOOKS!  
CG: I SWEAR TO ALL OF THE BULLSHIT GODS YOUR PLANET HAS, IF I FIND OUT EVERYONE HAS BEEN FEEDING ME GARBAGE THIS WHOLE TIME I'M GONNA SCREAM SO LOUD, YOUR AURICULAR SPONGES WILL BLEED INTO YOUR THROATS UNTIL YOU ALL CHOKE AND DROWN IN YOUR OWN DISGUSTING FLUIDS!  
TG: you seem to be in rare form today  
TG: this is gonna be fun  
CG: YOUR IDEA OF FUN IS MAKING ME CONFUSED OR ANGRY OR FLUSTERED OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.  
TG: you know it boo  
CG: I SHOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE SHAME GLOBES. WHAT THE GRUB-SPLATTERING NOOKFART IS A BOO???  
TG: its a kind of ghost who likes to chase people  
TG: dont worry though they can only move while youre looking away  
CG: GREAT. EVEN THE *GHOSTS* STALK PEOPLE HERE? NOW I GET WHY IT'S BEEN SO HARD TO SHAKE YOU OFF.  
TG: yeah speaking of which  
TG: guess whos in front of your house  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you waiting! My first draft for this chapter was boring, so I tweaked and tweaked until it turned into something completely different. I promise this fic isn't getting dropped! Several future chapters are already written, including the ending, so... Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this!


End file.
